Dear James,
Thank you very much for your detailed reply. I really appreciate you writing to me personally even though you are so busy. I am honoring all of your advice for my inquiry. I had read somewhere on your website that it is important to also reveal something personal when asking questions. This, and your comment that you like stories, then led me to perhaps go a bit overboard in describing my experiences. I could have made it much shorter. So maybe you got too much the impression that these experiences still mean a lot to me.
Actually I only wanted to write that I knew from that time that what I am cannot die, was not born and that this is valid for all beings. It was only partial knowledge, of course. I never made much fuss about these experiences and there is still one missing, but I will be very brief about it now. And I describe it for the reason that you can see where exactly I stand and whether my conclusions regarding my practice are appropriate and correct. I have never questioned a teacher regarding my experiences because the insights that have come from them have never been questioned by me. I question you as the Self, acknowledging your authority and in an attempt to overcome my tendency to want to deal with everything in life on my own(speaking as Joe). And I gladly acknowledge that without Vedanta I have not progressed one step.
So the last experience a few years ago happened with a so-called Advaita master (from the Papaji lineage) who asked me, Papaji-style, the question: Who are you? Without wanting to make a story out of it now: I “saw” in a kind of introspection that I am that which is the essence of everything perceived, that this “I” is everything there is. That the so-called world is only a kind of self-creating hologram, including Joe, and “I”, if it can be put into words at all, is pure indefinable being.
With this revelation it became clear that there is no cause and effect, although I could not explain this with my mind. Further, that relationships are something very strange, because it is always the same “I” that is in relationship with it self. Thirdly, it became clear that the whole world is free of meaning and fourthly, that it makes no sense to insist on a personal point of view, because “I” stand on all points of view. And with this experience the knowledge of my immortality became much more present (to check if there is still fear I went parachute jumping :-).This vision didn’t cause any nice feelings, but first of all heavy confusion. But then great calmness returned to the mind.
Of course, all this did not remain without effect on the body-mind-system and the spiritual search and the attendance of Satsangs was over. The personal things lost more and more their importance and an ever increasing non-attachment set in. Since then, it has hardly mattered how things turn out.
But fortunately (or unfortunately?), there always remained the feeling that there was still something to be done, I just didn’t know what. Three years after that event, I finally found your book translated into German and realized the value of the teaching. In truth, this book came to me shortly after that last experience, only I had not immediately recognized the value. It seems that I first had to be somewhat confused by the teachings of Nisargadatta and Ranjit Maharaj, which I read first. With the knowledge imparted by you and through Vedanta, respectively, I have come to understand them.
Of course, what was completely missing from this experience was the understanding of mithya and ishvara, without which no real discrimination is possible.
Now I have made so many words again. In the end, I just wanted to say that because of this experience, I have no doubt about who or what I am. But I also understand that all this is not enough and that I am now asked to discriminate diligently, to confirm again and again my identity as awareness, and to expose myself again and again to the teachings. What I am neglecting is meditations. Would you recommend that I meditate more often?
Another question is what moksa really consists of. Sometimes I have the impression that moksa is equated with self-actualization, but then again with self-realization. Maybe I am too scientific in some aspects.
All love,
Joe
Hi Joe,
Thank you for sharing your story. It is clear and succinct. I had my red pencil out to mark the mistakes in your thinking but I couldn’t find any. The most important fact is your realization that doubt-free knowledge is not the end of the story. Usually people stop there. They went through a lot of experiences to get rid of the Who am I doubt and when it’s over they are happy. But as the saying goes, “It isn’t over until it’s over,” which means that one’s work is only done when the mind dies. The death of the mind is doesn’t mean that the mind stops working. It means that you…existence shining as consciousness, knows that Isvara is doing all the thinking or that thinking isn’t real. When that is doubt-free knowledge there is no longer a sense of being a person. It’s during the nididhyasana phase that this happens. Your statement that “without the understand of mithya and Isvara no real discrimination is possible” is true, but discrimination for whom?”
It must be Joe because existence shining as awareness wouldn’t ask that question because non-duality means that there is nothing to discriminate. Discrimination is mithya, a thought process. If it’s present due to the habit of discrimination you picked up when you were a doer but is not supported by you, then the personal self is gone and everything is over and whatever was real before is clearly a dream and the Joe actor is as Shakespeare says, “a poor player who struts and frets his hour on the stage and then is heard no more.” There is only silence, peace, bliss. So this is moksa from moksa. Nothing ever happened. One’s whole life is just a cock and bull story, “a tale told by an idiot signifying nothing” to quote the poet again. Arriving here is not a good thing or a bad thing. There is no way to say what it is because it is beyond words. That’s the meaning of silence.
One shouldn’t wait for this to happen. You will notice when it does. If you make a goal out of it, you keep the personal self alive. Just do what you do. You are absolutely on the right path and you are doing everything right for the right reasons. I could see that from our recent chat. Yes, sometimes moksa is equated with doubt free knowledge (Self realization) and sometimes with the end of Self actualization. But there is no moksa or no actualization because you were never born to realize or actualize. You can only say, “I am” and stop.
But maybe this has already happened? You say, “This vision didn’t cause any nice feelings, but first of all heavy confusion. But then great calmness returned to the mind.” As for meditation, meditate on these words. Or, if the “great calmness” is still present take it as meditation and don’t worry.
Love,
James
