Shining World

What’s All The Fuss About?

Cintra: Self knowledge along with some very deep self-inquiry has enabled me to see the whole experience of what you call God’s sledgehammer with clarity so that it does not feel like a trigger any more. As a child, my upbringing was strict and disciplined in a post war British way, but always loving – my parents were kind, loving people with good morals. If I was punished (never physically abused) I trusted that my parents knew what was best for me and I understood that I was to learn from any wrongdoing. However there were occasions where I was wrongly accused and punished – mostly by my grandmother or a teacher at school – and those accusations left me with a vasana of sensitivity to accusation and criticism and self-doubt about my culpability. I felt as if my motivation was in question and so self-doubt took root.

Sundari: This is true for so many adults.  Unfortunately, as important as it is to be parented (or taught) by people who give strong and strict boundaries, many parents (and teachers) are the products of parents/teachers who did not know how to do that in a healthy way. So shaming becomes part of the conditioning, and of course, with that, comes self-doubt.  As if humans are not endowed with enough reasons to feel ashamed and to doubt themselves! As harmful are parents or those in authority we trust as children, who never put up any healthy boundaries. The result is the same.  So I think we can take the problem of shame and self-doubt to be endemic to being ‘human’.

Cintra: Due to my predominantly sattvic nature, I have been compelled to understand this aspect and to find out for sure what was the truth – was I a bad person as I was told? I thought that I could determine the truth for myself – all of course from the jiva’s perspective and I developed a strong “virtue vasana” to compensate. 

Sundari: We all have those ‘voices of diminishment’ inside our heads thanks what we were told or thought we heard as children. As a result, the virtue vasana is so common for many, though more so in the spiritual world. The tough part here is that it is very hard if not impossible for the jiva to deduce the truth about itself or anything else with the means of knowledge available to it.  While therapy helps a lot of people, it does not get to the root of the problem, which is that only nondual Self-knowledge can objectify the jiva. This is the main issue we had with Paul  and also, with Sandra – though she understands and has assimilated nondual knowledge more so than Paul and Sarah have.

Cintra: Fast forward to my time with AC. He was a perceptive man, albeit very misguided, so often what he saw in people’s behavior was an accurate assessment of their egoic tendencies. He was always able to justify the imposition of “sadhanas” as he called them  – which were sometimes helpful ( I certainly learned some things about my ego!) but more and more became abusive and so fear and shame inducing that he ended up shooting himself in the foot by imposing them as they usually resulted in people leaving. In the early years I trusted him implicitly and believed that what he was seeing and acting upon was for our liberation as his students (aka crazy wisdom). Of course I did not have discrimination and relied upon my mind to try to figure it out. Slowly over time my doubt grew as I could not justify what I saw was happening to others and myself. More and more he said that we his students did not really want moksha because if we did we would change. In the end it was my doubt of him that caused me to leave but it took me another couple of years of agonizing self-doubt combined with persistence to find out the truth before I knew for sure that my trust in him had been misguided.

Sundari: Thank goodness Isvara gave you enough discrimination to know that what AC said and did was adharmic, and not the way to anything except bondage to him.

Cintra: Subsequently I inevitably took the position that gurus were untrustworthy – but I was still a seeker. Big problem since I intuitively knew that I needed a teacher but could not trust one. This is a common problem now in the spiritual world as you know. Meeting James changed that for me but still it took some time for that core fear to resolve. Several times I doubted him, and it tortured me, especially when Harold left but I again was persistent in determining the truth. Although James had never treated me with anything but love, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop and for it to be my turn to receive the “sledgehammer.”

Sundari: I can totally understand why you would have such resistance to teachers after AC.  I too had not found one I could trust before James. We were certainly blessed to find, and more so to not give up on him.

Cintra: This all changed, as I wrote to James at the time, through the jiva identity shifting to unborn consciousness. Then everything, including the self-created ego identity was seen through a different lens altogether. I wanted to be free of any binding fear and if I needed a sledgehammer to see it- bring it on! I stopped relating to James as a person and saw him as Isvara’s messenger. Isvara has dealt this jiva many blows and I accept all of it with gratitude, however painful or unpleasant it may be, because that is where freedom for the jiva lies. Although this seems to be a trust in James (and it is) what it actually is is trust in myself as non-separate from Consciousness, with a mind that can discriminate satya from mithya. 

Sundari:  This is really the crux of the matter, as I stressed in the satsangs I posted.  If you are lucky enough to find the real thing, and James is, then without surrender to the teacher, the ego will never surrender to the teachings. That is the problem with anyone who has a problem with James. It always comes down to qualifications. Harold is a case in point, and so are Paul and Sarah and anyone else who has a beef with him.

Cintra: All of that said, I know from experience that when the core jiva identity persists in some way, having to face it can seem devastating to the personality – and often feels too difficult to face- as in the case of the teacher you mention. Facing it is the test of the assimilation of non duality as the only reality – otherwise we remain painfully separate samsaris.

Sundari: So true. I really do sympathize as it is extremely hard for the fragile  ego to face up to what it is and isn’t. So much judgement, shame and blame there. Which of course, when the ego gets triggered. all gets projected onto the teacher. It’s sad, but what to do.

Cintra: I do not envy the role of a teacher to have to convey such ego clarifying messages to a person whose relationship with the teacher is such that it cannot be avoided. I see it is necessary for the purity of the lineage to be upheld and is done not only for the person themselves but for the whole. It is a huge responsibility for you and James to deal with the results but I know you deal with it through karma yoga and following dharma impeccably.

Sundari: It is not much fun.  This is why most Indian gurus are not accessible to inquirers on a personal basis. A teacher’s job is really only to unfold the teachings, that’s it. They cannot ‘enlighten’ anyone nor make the teachings assimilate if the inquirer is not qualified. We are the exception here, not the rule as we are so accessible. By far the majority of people who have come to James for teaching only ever received love from him, as did you – no hard blows. Most of the people who got the ‘sledgehammer’ from James have been those he endorsed to teach. While assimilation is the same for everyone, the bar is higher if you are going to teach Vedanta because it is a big responsibility, especially in my case.  And yes, keeping teachers in line is James’ duty as the lineage holder.

Cintra: I am ever grateful to the Vedanta teachings and to James, and to you my dear friend for your honesty and openness about your own journey. I hope that if I ever do need sledgehammering that I can face it with similar humility!!!

Sundari: As I am of you and yours. When you truly are free of the jiva identity, it really is of no importance what anyone knows or thinks about you as a person.  Who cares? We are all flawed and in the same boat as a jiva – with all more or less the same challenges, strengths and weaknesses. Who has the right to cast a stone?

And most importantly, we are the same Self, so what’s the fuss about?!

As you say, and the heading of my satsang says: Aren’t you tired of the ego, yet?

With much love

Sundari

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