Dear Sundari,
After our last communication it’s been a tough road, but the ego had it coming. I always knew there were things I, as the ego, could not face. I have known since early years. Even then, I mistook the joy of being a baby, in ignorance, as freedom. The little ego was fully there, it had just not yet interacted with the world.
Since our last communication, my ego fears have come up. Nothing new, just come into stark light differently, where I also know I can’t fix them. Even complete retreat, to be a hermit, would simply mean being in a cave with them. Even if all this were reversed, a different life: admired by peers, loving partners, true friends where we “understand each other” – everything perfect – it would be the same. Iswara has been most merciful in not providing as the ego wanted – or I would not know this now, nor be able to face it as the Self.
In facing these fears, the ego feels trapped, like getting consumed knowing at the same time this is inevitable. Facing brings up panic, but these fears look like they are – an ego just not getting what it wanted, that’s all. Just Mithya. As I write, there is vertigo but, at the same time clear understanding there is no going back, and a deep peace.
Thank you
Sundari: As I read your email at first I got the distinct feeling of regression, almost like in going forwards, the ego dragged you backwards quite a ways. The difference this time is that it is also clear that ‘you’ were wide awake during the process, certainly very soon anyway. So it’s not backwards at all, just the shedding that comes with nididhysana, and par for the course in the process of Self-actualization that the ego will stage its most intense counter-attack. After all, it is about to get demoted, where’s the fun in that?
So, at this point, Isvara must use a jackhammer to break up the hard core of the “Duryodhana Factor”. This is almost without fail the adaptive child program we all must neutralize. The thrashing that tends to come with this can be devastating—and of course, demoralizing for the ego. Nididhysana is after all, a requalifying, which means revisiting and neutralizing remaining stubborn binding emotional/mental programs and tendencies. As an inquirer it can feel like nothing has assimilated and you are back to square one, only worse. But that is often not the case. Whatever triggered the process you have been through, as unpleasant as it was, the upside is that it is clear to you that ignorance can no longer stick. Hopefully, the revelation that you are the witness, of who you really are, is more powerful and firmer than ever.
Coming to terms with the fact that the ego (person) cannot be perfected and is fine regardless of its make-up is the first big step. That you are ok. The second is having the confidence to silence the infernal and relentless voices of diminishment by reclaiming your true status as Awareness. Who cares that the jiva/ego is a crazy mixture of good and bad ‘stuff’? It will always be that way. Make peace with it, love it anyway. And stop worrying about perfecting it. Cannot be done. The jiva’s past is just an idea in you, no more real than the clouds passing the sun, and just as changeable. Keep cognizance of any stubborn tendencies that can block access to Self-knowledge without self-recrimination. Apply the knowledge.
I gather you got this much, reading your ending statement. It is ‘just mithya’, and all perfect You cannot unravel Maya’s mysteries because as soon as you try to grab anything in mithya, it dissolves. Like trying to grab a handful of mist. Endlessly going over the jiva’s failings is so boring, and about as psychologically nutritious and satisfying as is eating candy floss is for the body
One of the most difficult things for most people to overcome is that there really is only one jiva program. All vasanas are universal and not personal, and uniqueness is really an ego fantasy. Yet what all jivas crave is to be different, to matter. To be relevant, unique. Many souls achieve great fame, money or power. But so what if the jiva gains all the recognition, glory and honour possible on this earthly plane? Even just having a brilliant, important or much loved but ‘ordinary’ existence, it always ends. All mithya relevance ends when the jiva ends. Another big hurdle for everyone to get their heads around is that life in mithya truly is zero sum.
It’s even harder for those of us with strong spiritual vasanas. Though we want freedom most of all, and the nondual teachings are the only true balm to calm the afflicted, they are also what is guaranteed to afflict the comfortable. And who would that be? The ego of course. All egos cling to being comfortable by protecting the adaptive child persona at all costs. Even if it is just being comfortable with suffering, shame and self-hatred. At least it’s known, and it’s mine. Go figure. Maya is a wonder indeed.
So Isvara will use whatever is required to shake up the ego and free you from that clinging, suffocating, limited thought. You singed on for it, right? There is no other way. Moksa is freedom from and for the jiva idea, remember. No wonder there are so few who are truly qualified and committed to moksa. It’s no walk in the park. Until it is, of course. Once you have the ego on a (very) short leash.
As I said to you: the only really important fact, apart from the fact that you cannot perfect the jiva:
You are the revelation. You are the only ‘thing’ that is relevant or lends relevance to anything. You cannot be augmented or diminished, ever. Not possible.
You are just fine as you are. How could you not be?
Much love
Sundari
