I do believe in God/Iswara as some collective or singular force that guides us and responds to our thoughts, intentions and actions, and perhaps ultimately runs/controls Maya.
Yes.
But I don’t understand why I have to make choices throughout the day though there is no “me” as such. I don’t understand why I must do all the work involved in living.
As long as you think you are Joe you have to make choices. You don’t understand because you are lazy. If you don’t want to make choices, let Isvara choose for you. This is called Isvara bhakti and take what happens as a gift from Isvara. It gets Joe in harmony with Isvara’s will. The next step is to identify as effortless awareness, which has no karma, so life is choice-free and very blissful, since awareness is bliss (the self is sat-chit-ananda).
I don’t understand what Iswara wants of me.
Isvara is not a wanting person with likes and dislikes. It delivers the results of Joe’s actions. All this (and more) is carefully explained in the first six chapters of the Bhagavad Gita and in hundreds of satsangs on the website, books and videos. If you know what karma yoga is and lived it every day, you wouldn’t have these questions and expect me to answer them. I think you just do your sadhana when it suits you. If you lived your life as sadhana, you would be doubt-free.
I would rather not exist at all than go through life with all its demands. I seem to not have a choice in this and that makes me sad.
You are just feeling sorry for yourself. Man up, mighty Arjuna! Do what has to be done with a cheerful heart.
All the “experiences” I wanted as a kid I have now got many times and I just feel “done”.
Now you want to be free of experiences? You will be free of experiences the day your body dies, not before. You have a bad attitude. Karma yoga is right action and right attitude. You need to start over with your spirituality. Otherwise, just let Maya/Isvara teach you, which is what is happening now. You are generating this miserable karma by the way you think.
I am awareness that illuminates existence itself, but existence (life/the universe) seems overrated.
How is life different from you, awareness? Yes, it’s not the same but it’s not different either. Think about it, get off your lazy butt and do proper sadhana. Sign up for the jnani’s class on you tube and/or go to the website, click “New to Vedanta” and follow the recommendations. I will help you if you learn what is required. Otherwise, you’re wasting my time. There are many excellent resources available on ShiningWorld.
Love,
Ram
