Thank you for this beautiful testimonial, it is much appreciated. Indeed, having James as a teacher of Vedanta is much like having a kind loving hand on your shoulder, guiding your path. He shows everyone with unfailing steadfastness what it means to be an ordinary person as the Self. Anyone who comes to Vedanta and has him as a friend, a role model, and teacher is very blessed indeed, though not everyone is aware of just how much.
Your story is beautiful and poignant in its honesty and humanity, thank you for sharing it. What stands out so perfectly is the fact that the nondual teachings of Vedanta put everything into perspective. They do not take away our human ordeal, but by viewing our life as the Self, it changes everything and makes all our trials and tribulations possible to bear with dignity and humility. May Self-knowledge always be your guiding light and refuge.
With much love
Sundari
Mila: I hope you and James are both doing well. I’d planned to attend the Campout three years ago, after I was done with the joys of chemotherapy for colon cancer. I seized up, started to doubt my knowledge and commitment. Isvara had lead me to the station marked Vedanta but I balked at leaving all my bags behind and climb “naked” on board the train. I’d felt so ready, all fired up after cancer – and I hesitated. Something to do with fear arising from the deep grooves of inadequacy, and stubbornly giving most of my care and attention to the “voices of diminishment”. I was also numb with grief, pulling inward after both my parents died within a month of each other that year. I was convinced my vulnerability would be met again with more suffering and judgment.
In 2015 I came across a video James’ video series on Practicing Vedanta (Westerwald Retreat 2014) and committed to understand and make this teaching a priority in my life ever since. I remember listening to him, becoming still and open and experiencing a deep sense of relief. It’s as if there were a strong, gentle hand on my shoulder encouraging me to sit absolutely still and listen. I didn’t want to move.
Having listened to many teachers and teachings in my life what I saw was a man conveying the truth and his love of the truth – nothing else. No hint of an invitation to be mesmerized and become devoted to a personality.
For many years I’d restlessly chased peace and freedom in alcohol, casual sex, Tibetan Buddhism, Naqshbandi Sufism, AA, The Diamond Approach, Neo Advaita and at age 34, when I broke up with the man who later became my current husband, flirted with becoming a Roman Catholic after reading Thomas Merton. I wanted to forget myself, the world and spend my life in prayer. I’d also chased security by moving from city to city, job to job for a couple of decades after leaving home, before meeting my husband and seeking treatment for alcohol abuse.
Now I want to close the door on hesitation, no more seeking peace and security where it never was or could be. Through the haze and noise of samsara I can hear, not criticism, admonishing or punishment for “failure” but the clear, strong voice that says “I will take care of your getting and keeping.” (BG Ch. 9, Verse 2).
I am taking stock of where my mind is engaged and where it gets stuck – to take a stand more firmly and claim identity with the Self. My husband and I are both retired and live a quiet life together. As has been true since we first met in 1987, we are always together. Tom suffers from chronic pain in his hip (from a motorcycle accident when he was 20), his legs, his back and knees sometimes. The pain seems to move through him, sometimes appearing out of the blue and sometimes related to his level of activity. His life has become smaller over the past few years. He has to be lying down a lot and despite being an innately cheerful and positive person, has dark moments of despair. He is my loving, generous, smart, considerate, playful, feisty and sceptical life-partner. It’s been an important part of my practice not to meet his frustration and despair with my triggered emotions bubbling up from inadequacy or abandonment vasanas. Thankfully the number, duration and intensity of emotion of these episodes is dissolving over time.
We are both less likely to believe the painful stories of our pasts and can get on with the job of loving and caring for each other.
I spend a part of each day reading your and James’ satsangs, meditate, read Shankacharya’s commentaries on the scriptures, Swami Paramarthananda’s commentaries on the Bhagavad Gita and recently watched the 108 discourses on Vivekachoodamani by Br. Ved Chaitanya and the 18 Discourses on Atma Bodha by Swami Advayananda (Chinmaya Mission). I meet with a friend who is a pastor at an Anglican Chuch here in Victoria once a month. She and I share the same goal of finding completeness, healing and freedom in this life through devotion to God. As Krishna promises in the Baghavad Gita (18.65):
You will come to Me without fail. I promise you this because you are My very dear friend.
She’s also lets me practice the pipe organ in her church once a week which has become a form of prayer.
With gratitude, deep respect and affection,
Liam
