Randy: Dear Ramji, everything is revealed by awareness. I realized that projection and denial are the usual way I deal with the world. Desires/fears-likes/dislikes are running this show but with Self-inquiry more and more there is a gradual switch from subjectivity to objectivity. I’m starting to see my personal self as it is. It is both painful and liberating look at the vasanas that are flavouring my thinking patterns and affecting my actions. Some are easy to see and some, especially these really deep rooted nasty ones from childhood are so close and natural to me that it’s hard to recognise them. But in the light of awareness – myself – everything is seen.
In my case I grew for some years of my childhood away from my parents in a family who didn’t give me much love/attention. And all my life I struggled to be a good guy and tried to please everybody. But this longing for love was a prison. It was a painful shock when I recognized it but at the same time I realized I don’t have to like everybody or be liked by everybody. There is still some longing but things are changing. I know now it’s a program given by God and not “my” program. I didn’t choose it. Nobody chooses their programming. I see it’s fine now that Vedanta has revealed the projection/denial mechanism.
And there is more freedom. I’m okay. I’m good. I am love and I am lovable. I don’t need to crave it anymore, because I have accepted myself as I am. I don’t need to crave for love. My body and mind belong to the Lord, who has given me the greatest gift of Self-knowledge.
~ With gratitude, hari Om, Randy
