Dear Ramji:
Something strange seems to be happening to me. No avenues that I would normally run to seem viable anymore. Everything seems pointless but not in a bad way. I have really lost all sense of caring what the spiritual community I have served for so long thinks or expects of me. It’s just nothing but positioning and desire motivated activity with the exception of the rare sincere seeker God places in front of me asking for help. Anyone else in my position who has acquired the level of reputation I have would be reveling in it. Creating a following and just having a grand old time. I’m bored shitless with it all. My wife’s affair would have normally sent me right out the door looking for a new conquest. I need a new romantic partner like I need a hole in the head. At the same time I see our little dance too. An endless list of goals we set for ourselves and for each other. I thought to myself recently, I could sell everything pay off all my debts give her half and be gone. I’d like to do that but then I thought it doesn’t matter. Stay or go, it’s all the same. I feel like something is coming to a close but I don’t know what.
Ramji: Jason is coming to a close.
If it the marriage so be it. I have fulfilled my duty as a father. But its more than that. There is nothing left that I want. The prospect of letting everything go has forced me to face my fears too. Fear of losing standing in the community. Fear of emotional and financial insecurity. There never was anything permanent anyway. There never was much control. Only over myself. Who even knows what it feels like to live life where you are not constantly prodded around like a Cow by your fears and desires.
Ramji: I do. It’s called freedom. You’re free. You’ve been doing your inquiry for years now and it’s paid off. I’ve noticed the dispassion developing. It’s ripe and the fruit is falling off the tree. The snake sheds its skin. You are what you were before the Jason entity was born. Staying and going are non-different. There are no gains or losses forthcoming.
I feel ready. If God opens a door for me that feels right I might just walk through it. If that makes any sense. It’s feels like a type of catharsis. Deep sense of humility and love. I can’t be the person I was. He was just too full of shit. I think I am just ready to really be myself.
Ramji: You are an already accomplished fact. You can stop pretending you are a human being named Jason. It’s all just memories…my wife, my kids, my community, etc. Jeremy is a name of Existence shinings as Blissful Awareness aka YOU. There isn’t anyone else.
Something occurred to me after writing my last question ” can I actually stand in that place (of non attachment) and refuse to move?” The “place” isn’t a place at all. It’s me! I AM the “place!” If I’m not experiencing it as myself then it it’s only because I am identified with the attachments. Why was that so hard to get ??? I’ve been asleep this whole fucking time !! OMG embarrassing!!! Hahaha!!!!Can’t help but laugh at myself. What a set up!!
Ramji: Jason is a name of Existence shining as Blissful Awareness aka YOU. There isn’t anyone else.
