The past few days have seen the recurrence of a particularly angry thought ‘about’ someone else. I could see that the mind was in total denial that the source of the bad feelings was me. This morning, I could happily admit to myself, “I’m a dissatisfied, unhappy, harsh, critical, whining, complaining jerk. I’m the problem.” And a sense of acceptance and relief came. I had a laugh about it.
Anyway, today I was in bedroom and a little voice told me to get up and go to the mirror. It said strip to my waist so. I looked into the mirror at my face, and I saw all this darkness. pain and misery and anger. Then it started morphing and changing into all these different entities, some so demonic I want to recoil. The voice say stay put and watch. To just witness the corruption, arrogance, manipulation, greed, rage and phoniness. All these different entities passed through me. Some had no eyes; others’ faces were melting away from the bones. One, with eyes like laser beams that looked like they could burn your face off with a single glance said with a demonic grind, “I’d slit your throat and enjoy
watching you die.” For a moment it scared me, but somehow, I knew that this entity was only a part of me and something in me loved the idea of killing/destroying things. And I was OK with it because I was the one witnessing all these different beings so I couldn’t be any of them. I didn’t need to fight them, I just needed to watch. And at the end of it, I saw myself naked, vulnerable, beautiful even. Untouched by the good and the bad.
It feels like a positive experience. Like the jiva stuff I have been trying to avoid coming into sharp focus and being integrated. I’ve heard you describe a similar experience, so I wondered if you have any thoughts on this? No worries if you don’t have time. It’s not super urgent or anything. I think I understand but if you have anything to add I’d love to hear it.
Ramji: I’d say, it was a glorious experience. It was the same type of experience that turned my life around 180 degrees back in the day. It didn’t solve the problem that needed to be solved but it showed me what was possible and I took up the challenge. You’re a blessed person. Thanks to your dedication, Isvara made a dramatic statement in technicolor. It is very useful practical knowledge. You can count on it. When one of those emotions raises its ugly head, stare at it until you see how funny it is and revel in your status as the only observer. Now, you can start the process of moving your “jiva I” to the position of the observer, if you wish. If not, you will have to wait for another similar experience to gain the confidence necessary to convince yourself completely that the witnessing awareness is yourself as Ramana did when he had his famous epiphany. He spent 20 years apart from society working on cementing the knowledge “I am the unborn observer” after his epiphany. When that work was finished, Isvara built him an an ashram so he could sit alone in public in silence to demonstrate that the ever-present unborn observer is bliss. Many people experienced it by proximity with his body but that’s where it stayed for most. Freedom isn’t that free if you can’t do or not do or do something else. Thanks for sharing. I will post it as a reminder that if you constantly invoke God with your thoughts, feelings and actions, It will speak back.
Lots of love,
Ramji
