Seeker: Hello, James.
I accidentally came upon pornography as a young teen and over the years eventually became addicted. After my family moved and my girlfriend broke up with me, I fell away from Christianity and became an atheist. Existential questions persisted. I became depressed.
I dabbled a little with meditation for a few years for its therapeutic value. A few years later I began learning about Eastern religions and eventually found my way to Advaita Vedanta as taught by Swami Sarvapriyananda. Around this time I also hit rock bottom. I was severely depressed, anxious and had no more desire to live. I had tried to quit porn unsuccessfully. I had been having almost daily diarrhea for about three years. I was made aware of the carnivore diet as a means of getting rid of depression.
I suspected “leaky gut” was causing depression and diarrhea. As a last-ditch effort, I went on the carnivore diet. It was promising, it helped a little so I continued with that diet. Over the months I found myself with more willpower. Whatever the cause was, diet or something else, I was able to quit looking at porn. After a few months without porn, the depression and anxiety had almost completely gone. Not counting the occasional instances where a user inserts porn images into non-porn websites/forums, I haven’t looked at or indulged in porn for nearly a year now.
The road has still been bumpy. According to other recovering porn addicts, it can take several years to truly recover from porn addiction and the associated withdrawal symptoms. I struggle with fatigue, moodiness and certain desires, but overall the future is looking brighter.
I’m trying to learn more about Vedanta and especially karma yoga. I’m still in the early stages. Incorporating karma yoga into daily life is a challenge. I go to work and before I know it I’m in the wheel of life (Vedanta forgotten), identifying with thoughts and emotions. I don’t remember exactly how I heard about you, probably Advaita forums or YouTube comments recommending your books. Thank you for reading about my wasted years.
James: Interesting story. It makes sense that you got some willpower that you attribute to increased energy from the keto diet, but I think the whole downward spiral was caused by a love issue. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that your girlfriend left you, probably due to the porn. Addicts of all kinds are selfish people, which makes them difficult to love. Anyway, you have come to the right place because Self-inquiry, i.e. Vedanta, gives you the confidence to view your desires objectively. Probably part of the reason you started to heal is due to the fact that you discovered the zero-sum nature of pleasure-seeking, which is just an attempt to make oneself feel good, which is understandable but misguided insofar as if you had inquired into why you felt bad you might have been able to break through and contact the Self, which may have given you the confidence to manage your rajas.
Anyway, that’s neither here nor there, because Isvara has got you on the right track now. I suggest that you read my book The Yoga of Love. Probably you lost contact with God owing to issues with your parents? The fundamentalist view of God is pretty narrow because most fundamentalists don’t realize that they are not separate from God. They have it that God is very remote, when in fact God is always present. Vedanta doesn’t say there is no God or that there is one God or many gods; it proves that there is only God. Anyway, one’s relationship with God is the primary relationship of all human beings and needs to be squared away before you can really grow to your full potential.
~ Much love, James
