Maurice: I’ve been doing what you told me to do…take a Stand in Awareness. I read the satsang you posted a few days ago on how tricky that can be, and it helped a lot. From what I deduced from that satsang is that the inquirer involved had an idea of what it means to be enlightened but her knowledge flickers between direct and indirect knowledge, is this correct?
Sundari: Yes, that is correct. That is all part of self-inquiry and quite normal for most inquirers, even the highly dedicated ones, which this person is. But sometimes even the dedicated inquirers who have no doubt about their true nature as the Self do not always fully understand all the stages of self-inquiry, or ideas from other teachings still stand in the way of assimilation. Like you, this inquirer knows this and continues their sadhana religiously, which is what it takes.
Maurice: I know I exist as reflected awareness and my true nature is pure Awareness. But I find myself confused at times with who the ‘I’ is. The knowledge does not always seem to be available to me when I am with other people, or even when I am alone. Discrimination is hard! Why bother with going further?
Sundari: The ‘I” always refers to the Self; even when we are speaking of the jiva, because the jiva is the Self, though the Self is not the jiva. Negating identification with jiva or ego is not for the faint of heart, which is what makes Vedanta not so appealing unless you have a burning desire for freedom from limitation. In this case, there is no avoiding the fact that identification with the jiva is what stands in the way. This is where the rubber hits the road, as Ramji often says. The ‘journey’ (it is not a journey, but I used that word to illustrate a point) from indirect to direct knowledge happens in stages for everyone, unless you are highly qualified, which is very rare indeed. It involves being ruthlessly honest about who the jiva is and isn’t, which is not pleasant. Who wants to challenge the good opinion they have of themselves? Egos are fragile things, easily ‘hurt’. Being completely free of identification with the jiva is especially tough in the last stage of self-inquiry, nididhysana, or Self-actualization, to use an easier term. Therefore, all the stages of self-inquiry must be completed, all the qualifications for moksa must be present and you need a competent teacher to unfold the teachings. You cannot do it alone.
Even with advanced inquirers, residual ignorance takes as long as it takes to be destroyed by Self Knowledge after Self-realization. Self-realization is not moksa because it is experiential. Until Self-knowledge is firm (assimilates) it can come and go because the jiva program is still in play. Self-realization is where the work of self-inquiry begins. While nobody needs ‘enlightenment’ because everyone is the Self until ignorance is removed by Self-knowledge, duality (Maya) covers the mind. Negating the jiva is the litmus test for assimilation and Self-actualization. If the jiva is as good as non-existent 24/7, you are home free. As I said, it is not easy, which is why so few stay the distance. It is one thing to be ‘enlightened’ as the Self and quite another to be ‘enlightened’ as an ego, a fact I mentioned in my satsang on standing in Awareness.
Yet, it is important to remember that no matter at what stage of jiva negation one is at you are no less the Self, how can you be? Nobody is enlightened or unenlightened because this is a nondual reality; everyone is the Self. There are only people who think they are people under the spell of Maya who do not know this. The next stage is those who do know this but have not fully negated the jiva yet, so the knowledge is indirect, or partially indirect. We call this the ‘firefly’ stage because the knowledge flickers on and off. This is par for the course. You are on the path to direct knowledge and serious about your sadhana, so keep up the good work, stay humble and especially, stick to karma yoga. The latter is perfectly designed to destroy the identification with the jiva and to surrender to Isvara. You are on the Vedanta bus, so trust it to get you where you are ‘going’, not that you are going anywhere because you are already the Self. My favorite saying on this is the steps to get ‘there’ are the qualities of being ‘there’.
Maurice: When I face the fact that nothing in life has any real meaning or reality, that makes me feel depressed. It feels like the syllogisms of deductive reasoning, you know? Or the idea of infinite regress, there is just nothing there. That makes me want to curl up somewhere and find safety from all that, to just enjoy knowing I am the Self, that’s it. I mean, I am happy enough just with that, so why go further?
Sundari: Yes, it’s true, deductive reasoning can only get you so far because the logic is all in mithya. Luckily, Vedanta is the map to take you out of mithya. You can take refuge in just living a dharmic life with karma yoga knowing you are the Self, which is beautiful and enough for many. Who cares if there is still a jiva if the jiva is the Self? If sattva is your main aim and a residual jiva does not cause any distress, just be happy. If the residual jiva does cause distress, and the fire of knowledge burns hot, then this is not enough and you will not be happy. There is no right or wrong. There is nothing to gain in Vedanta, only something to lose. You do not end up with great grades, top of the class, and a degree. What remains once Self-knowledge removes the ignorance (identification with the jiva) is just who you always were minus the detritus: avidya, personal ignorance.
It sounds like you have fallen into the pit of the void. It happens to many qualified inquirers who are Self-realized but not Self-actualized when the truth of life being zero-sum sinks in. Self-knowledge is not firm yet. They ‘hit the wall’ so to speak and they realize that there really is ‘nothing out ‘there’. We call it ‘the void’ because all objects are seen to be devoid of substance and meaning, which of course, they are. In particular, when the person they once took themselves to be is revealed to be no more than a construct, a mirage, a guna-generated program. What to ‘do’ when you realize the pointlessness of all doing and you are not the doer? Knowing that we are the Self does not magically translate into the disappearance of the jiva with all its stuff. That can take years and years for some in the last stages of self-inquiry. Nididhysana is the purification of the remaining vestiges of mental/emotional patterns once Self-realization has taken place. Only when this stage is complete does Self-actualization take place naturally.
The ‘all is emptiness’ stage is created by tamas, which presents another Self-actualization problem that usually, but not always, affects older Self-realized people who have had families and/or careers. Many younger people experience this too. Jobs and families solve the problem of financial and emotional security, but they don’t take care of the doer problem, so the tendency to act has no place to go when you realize the zero-sum nature of life. The risk here is that the doer slips into a depression because you cannot in good faith distract it with the mindless samsaric pursuits that previously occupied it, i.e., jobs, entertainment, sex, or endless family events, etc. Recently the pandemic has made this much worse because the mind is forced to face itself and has nowhere to hide or seek distraction. Things on the world stage can seem pretty gloomy looked at through the lens of tamas.
What all serious inquirers dedicated to the last stage of self-inquiry, nididhysana, are aiming for is to transition directly to perfect satisfaction – tripti. Unfortunately, this can only take place if you are totally qualified when Self-realization takes place. I.e., all the jiva’s binding conditioning (mental and emotional patterns) have been transformed into devotion to the Self, meaning rendered non-binding. This is seldom the case when Self-realization takes place, which is why nididhysana, is for most inquirers, the most difficult and the longest stage.
Swami Paramarthananda, calls nididyasana ‘requalifying.’ You never know when, during the manana phase, firm Self-knowledge will take place and you never know how long nididyasana will take. In fact, if Self-knowledge makes you a perfect spontaneous karma yogi, it doesn’t matter because time doesn’t exist for you. So, if you don’t experience perfect jiva satisfaction when Self-knowledge is unshakable, you need to remain humble and keep up the practices that qualified you for understanding as they will eventually remove the obstacles to limitless bliss.
Jivas are a flawed bunch and there’s not much that can be done about it. We are all a mixed bag on that level knowing how the gunas work conditioning the mind. Nobody is doing anything, so there is no blame, either. Our jiva program plays out the way it does, and we are either tied to it or not. At the same time, being free of it does not mean we stop thinking and feeling; all that changes is the import we give to our thoughts and feelings, and how they impact us. To be truly free I must be free to be sad, upset, disappointed, angry, etc., as well as happy and peaceful.
But if negative feelings loom large and take up residence in the real estate of my mind for longer than it takes to recognize that they are there, I am clearly, not that free. Freedom means I see my thoughts and feelings as they arise and the knowledge kicks in instantly to dissolve them. It is good that you seem to be objective about the repetitive bad feelings appearing in your mind and thinking the opposite thought, even though they keep returning. Nobody said freedom from and for the jiva is easy which is why faith in the teachings is such an important qualification. If that fails you, Maya is right there waiting to take over the mind.
Hold fast to the knowledge and keep discriminating. This stage passes when you finally realize that you are the fullness observing the apparent void, and the apparent emptiness. Life under the spell of duality, Maya, is hard and heartbreaking, relentless in its daily grind. Nothing is permanent, everything in life is always in the process of decay, of entropy, of leaving us, which is why freedom from dependence on objects for happiness is the only true salvation. When you are free then you can see that life is actually benign and inherently beautiful because you are. You never change, your fullness never begins or ends. Then, there is nothing to fear or be sad about.
As my Italian mom used to say, forza e coraggio. Be strong and have courage. You have the only security that matters in this life, and that is Self-knowledge. You can trust it.
Much love
Sundari
