Dear Ramji and Sundari,
Thank you for the beautiful satsang last Sunday. Teaching together and opening up the floor for the deep stuff touched my heart.
I’ve been at Vedanta for around six years with all the support, care and attention from the scripture and you personally that anyone could ever want or need. When I came to visit you in Spain I imagined that we would have a fun and funny, goofy happy time together. But Isvara had other plans and exposed the “horror” place in me that, in retrospect, I was most afraid anyone would see, much less my beloved friends and teachers.
Ram: We saw it all along but didn’t relate to it because…well… it’s not you. Everyone has “stuff” but so what?
I was so ashamed and embarrassed because I thought that surely by now, with all the help I have received, I should have had this stuff in hand or at least have been more aware of it.
ems you forget that “should have” is a bad word, bsweetheart.
When it appeared out of the blue, I was shocked and dismayed. Isvara took my idea of myself right down to the basics, smashing everything non-essential. It was very painful to see such a viscous, malicious, needy, toxic little mouse firsthand. To think that I had been keeping company with it all my life. Seeing it there side by side with the sattvic, good, kind and caring person that I imagined myself to be. The one always trying to get it “right”, be perfect and appear to “others” as my own self-authored fictional persona. It’s draining and a burden to uphold that positive image whilst trying to keep a lid on the other, not to mention how ridiculous it was to expose you, friends who love me for who I am to it. I’m so grateful that Isvara caught me off guard enough that this deep stuff was able to come to light, smashing to bits the pretentious shield of authenticity and righteousness that goes along with a sattvic sense of self.
I love you dearly and love this open-hearted and generous invitation to cop to and acknowledge/understand the jiva firsthand so that the teachings of Vedanta will “anchor” – as Sundari puts it- in a way that gives real happiness and satisfaction in my life.
Big Love and hugs to you both,
S…..
