Mary: I read your email carefully again. Do you mean the doubt whether it is my vasana projecting or my teacher’s vasana, not the projection itself?
But is that now a new vasana upon the old vasana? Because as I said before, the projection mechanism happened before with another teacher. So, as it repeated itself, this also must be a vasana or not? I am not in love with the idea that I am Mary. I want to get rid of it.
James: The projection itself. It doesn’t matter who projects it. We say Isvara, Beautiful Intelligent Ignorance, projects. Vasanas are Isvara. They are mithya. They are not real. Why waste your time on something that is not real? So far you are assuming that projections are real. They are only real if you think you are Mary, a jiva. If you have faith (shraddha) in Vedanta’s view, you will take them as mithya,seemingly real.
Mary: So what to do? Take it as prasad? I took it as prasad last time but now it happened again. This is why I am so obsessed with the understanding of it, as I have a feeling that only full understanding will eliminate this shit altogether.
James: The problem here is that you think that one application of knowledge is enough to get rid of a vasana. You have to apply the knowledge and take the vasana as prasad over and over again, day in and day out until you break the tendency to identify with Mary. It can take years to get over it. There is no easy way. I explained the three levels of vasanas previously, according to the Gita. The “I am Mary” vasana fits into the third, most difficult to remove, category. I explained the 5/10/15 year rule also.
Mary: I don’t want to go through another cycle of experience if understanding can eliminate the bastard altogether and root it out completely.
James: Of course you don’t. But Isvara doesn’t care what you want. So you have to do what it takes or you will keep going around and around in samsara until you do.
Mary: As there is no time, it should be possible to break the cycle of experience and work with what already happened. No need for yet another experience. Or not?
James: Not (see above).
Mary: Well doubt/mistrust is a childhood issue I have, but this I know already since many many years, even before my spiritual path. The only difference is to call it a vasana instead of childhood shit. So how to outroot it once and for all?
James: You do your karma yoga and take a stand in awareness and leave the result to Isvara. There is no other way. Samsara is like cancer. You don’t want it but it goes away if you do the right therapy. Or not. It is out of your hands. I think you must be German. They tend to believe that trust is good but control is better. They are wrong. A qualified person is a mature person. Children want what they want when they want it the way they want it. Theirs is an unrealistic view. It is a waste of time to listen to Mandukya and Karika until you accept the idea that Mary, the non-eternal jiva, is mithya.
~ Much love, James
