Thank you for your thoughtful words. It really helps to keep the mind working in the right direction. It’s tough sledding sometimes when no one sees things from the Vedanta point of view. In my mind, John’s symptoms are under control of his mind but he says they’re not and that they are real. My saying they may seem real but are not doesn’t go over well.
Sundari: I really feel for you – it must be tough going with John in that headspace. I had hoped that Vedanta would help him manage his mind, but you cannot blame him. It must be very tough taking the nondual perspective to the body when its karma so deeply affects the mind and vice versa. Self-knowledge is not a magic pill, though without it, things would be incalculably worse. One can only pray that he sticks with the teachings and learns to apply them to the thoughts that overwhelm the mind with fear and anxiety.
Carol: I understand totally how sometimes you just want to hang on to the wobbles. I know I really want to just feel crappy for a while even though I know I can let Isvara turn it around.
Sundari: It’s OK to feel shitty and not have to get down on yourself for feeling that way – when you know it is your ‘not’ self feeling shitty! As we are the Self/Isvara, we always have the option of turning it around. The whole point of being OK if the mind wobbles is because you are not your mind and NOT hanging on to the wobbles, just observing them. If you do hang on, you are in trouble because Self-knowledge is not working on the mind. Being the observer of the wobbly mind means you can still be indifferent to it. So what if it’s wobbling a bit?
It’s just doing what the mind tends to do, which is to have the odd wobble. If the wobble continues much longer than your acknowledgment of the source or increases in intensity because it is the result of an underlying fear samskara, then you are not indifferent to it, and identification (ignorance) has taken over. There is no way to escape seeing and negating all of the jiva’s conditioning in light of the teachings.
As long as you remain in Self-observation mode, whatever is manifesting in the mind is an object known to you. Obviously, the aim of Self-knowledge is to have a peaceful mind, not just sometimes but all of the time. So the best option is for the mind not to wobble, ever. But that is a tall order for most jivas, mithya being what it is. Nondual vision means seeing no difference, yet it also expresses through each jiva according to its nature. We all have an Isvara given svabhava (inborn nature) with its less than fabulous parts. I have come to terms with my jiva’s temperament – it is what it is.
Moksa does not change the way it is made, and not all of us can be as detached and as neutral as James is, he has that kind of character and mind. Being the Self means you are free to feel your feelings, good or bad, but not to indulge them so that the mind capsizes. Peace of mind, sattva, is the nature of the mind, and it is what dominates when Self-knowledge operates, keeping rajas and tamas in check, and in balance. If rajas and tamas are strong, mind management means knowing that no guna affects you as the Self. I am the Self regardless of what’s going on in the mind.
Carol: I think James has spent so much of his life practicing dispassion and unattachment, maybe he really can just not feel loss. I do totally see him as fully Self-actualized though I still know & love his jiva too, even when I think he’s off base. You’re a brave woman to take him on!
Sundari: Yes, he has been this way most of his life, certainly since moksa obtained, but it is also his jiva nature to be that detached. It has been a challenge for (jiva) me at times to live with him, but I had a lot to learn, too. There have been the hard parts of the jiva that had to go and I am very grateful that they have. I like her a whole lot more now, and her life has improved immeasurably as a result.
I have no doubt that James is Self-actualized. People love him or hate him, some admire or fear him. To call what he has charisma is actually reductive because he is such an elemental force of nature. It is hard to put a label to him as a jiva, and he really does not care how anyone sees him. The nondual Self is never bothered because no label applies to it. It does not see anything as real – be it loss or gain, illness or good health, life or death! Those who understand the value of what James gives love him as the Self, and accept the jiva bits as just mithya.
Carol: I was a little surprised that he seemed to imply that I should just dump John somewhere since he was making my life uncomfortable, or at least that’s the impression I got.
Sundari: James loves and respects you both, his advice is not personal but pragmatic. It may seem shocking (from the mithya perspective), but one has to take the nondual view, which is really the only one that ultimately matters. He left his first wife when she was going mad and threatening to commit suicide, which was a threat to him and his world, at that time – he was living alone in the mountains with her.
Sacrificing ourselves for another does not help them with their karma, and it certainly will not benefit us. He couldn’t stop her from killing herself or cure her madness, and staying with her meant possible injury to himself. He has that ‘look after number one’ mentality – and in this case, it was the right decision for him. As the Self, there is only number one! So it was not adharmic for him to leave her in the care of her mother. I think I would have probably done the same in the same circumstances.
Carol: I guess I don’t understand how life commitments made should be viewed from the “enlightened” point of view.
Sundari: In Vedanta, there is no confusion about how an enlightened person deals with their karma in the form of life commitments – by following dharma, both universal and personal. Though non-injury is the essence of universal dharma and underwrites personal dharma, visesa dharma, which is how universal dharma applies to us as individuals, differs for everyone. For James, his life karma was to be a man of destiny, a Mahatma, and a great benefit to the world. A mentally ill and suicidal wife was beyond his help and his love.
There is no definite rule about dharma on this score. Who knows what results any action will bring. His ex-wife did not kill herself after he left her. There is always an upside for every downside. An enlightened person is not bound by any commitment other than to living as the Self, and being true to their svadharma as a jiva. Yet, living with anyone requires sacrifice and compromise. Human love has rules of its own. We must make decisions we can live with.
Is love enough, is what we sacrifice and compromise in keeping with our values, or not? To remain in any relationship we all make these choices. Are we ultimately responsible for another person’s karma? No, we are not – and we cannot change it. Do we remain loyal no matter what because we love the person even if our love cannot help them and their love for us is subsumed by their karma? Only we can decide and do what is right for us. Isvara takes care of everyone no matter what – according to their karma.
No-one has the right to judge another on their choices. In many cases, love makes the hardest things possible. If our lives are very difficult due to someone else’s difficult karma, but leaving is not an option for us, then we take the karma yoga attitude and live with it. At other times, in order to be true to ourselves, we must be ‘untrue’ to someone we have made a life commitment to. I have made that choice in leaving my first husband and was called ‘unfaithful’. But I was not unfaithful to myself, and it was definitely the best decision for me.
Much love
Sundari
