Jeremy: Ramji, this is the strange thing, I guess I have to admit. I can discern the thoughts and emotions, perception and body. But I can’t seem to discern the jiva. Hence the thought that vasanasmust be the issue. Then if vasanas are not the issue but ignorance that I am the Self is the issue, then there really is no such thing as a jiva?
Ramji: Yes. There seems to be one when you include the body-mind-sense complex with the “I,” ever-present awareness. Subtracting it when you think the word “I” and act behind it is jnana yoga, sometimes called nididhyasana. You see action, the doer and the idea of doership as generated by the gunas.
Jeremy: If I go by experience, I think of myself as a person, but when I try to view the person Jeremy as an object, it seems to disappear.
Ramji: Anything that doesn’t hold up upon inquiry should be dismissed as not real. Jeremy is not always present – think deep sleep – so how real is he?
Jeremy: So if I am understanding what you are saying, then the awareness that I am is the end of the line.
Ramji: Yes. There’s no reason to wait in the queue. Claim your only identity and enjoy!
Jeremy: A microcosm of the absolute made of the same essence.
Ramji: Yes.
Jeremy: I keep looking for this doer, but it’s not there. But if there is no doer, then how do we solve the issue of volition? What is willpower? Is willpower just another word for vasanas as in I think I am making a decision to choose an action but really the thought is arising on its own? If that is true, then willpower is a false notion from the vantage point of the Self. When we apply that thought to an apparent individual, is it even possible to make conscious change? I say I am making a change to stop smoking, but then again, am I really? Or did my particular guna constitution initiate the change as well as the habit in the first place?
Ramji: The gunas initiated it. Insofar as it disturbs you, you use willpower (rajas) backed by the need to conform to dharma (sattva) to extirpate it. Yes, apparent change is possible for a jiva, but is apparent change actually change?
Jeremy: Upon deeper contemplation it seems that the question of willpower is a moot point. I have been applying a variation of the thought “the I does not feel,” which amounts to “the I does not want.” In this context it seems the question of willpower is moot. The body will do its thing as it needs to, although centering myself on the reality that I didn’t come up with whatever desire that arises seems to negate the need to act on desire. It’s like all-day meditation.
Ramji: Yes. Meditation in action. Desire is zero-sum. It is painful in itself so you act to get rid of it, which reinforces it.
In the first stage of karma you think of yourself as a jiva with desires that need to be worked out so you reduce them by taking them in the karma yoga spirit. In the second stage you take yourself as a jiva with the willpower to stand up to your desires and dismiss them without working them out. Yes, from the Self’s point of view there is no need for willpower, but at this stage you don’t accept yourself as the Self so you sublimate the will to succeed in the world into the will to succeed in your Vedanta practice. We call it “burning desire for liberation.” The practice eats up desire and eventually itself.
Jeremy: The curiosity about what the subtle body will be up to after being ejected from the physical still persists but seems secondary to the reality of Self in the present. I just wanted to share this with you. My study continues, but more in earnest now.
Ramji: It will be up to what it was up to before. Desire is subtle; it survives the death of the body. The gross body and the subtle body are in different orders of the apparent reality. The earnestness is willpower brought on by desire for freedom.
