Ramji,
As you know I have been struggling the whole time with vasanas. Mainly food and sex. I long since gave up smoking and drinking, even though I tried them out again for a brief time after my divorce to make sure they still suck, and they do. I have given up gambling and seeking approval. Every now and then FB reminds me of old posts I made, even long after my so called “realizing the self”. I can read behind the words a person still needing love and attention.
That’s ok. I was still absorbing the teaching. I can clearly see the benefit of sadhana. Meditation makes me calm and sattvic. But it is still temporary.
The Self Doesn’t Change
I remember my out of body experience. You’re right, the essence of the awareness that witnessed the loss of the location known as Joe is exactly the same entity no matter what kind of experience happens. Awareness is awareness if Joe is pooping or fishing. I have tried to eliminate the last vasanas thinking that it will alleviate my anxiety and feeling of being a small person endlessly pining for the next experience, like a squirrel following a row of bread crumbs.
Chicken or Egg Came First?
But now I am thinking, maybe it’s the anxiety I need to eliminate first. Yes, vasanas can come up looking for appeasement during times of happiness, but the times when I feel I act them out against my will are always on the heels of stressful days, or lonely days, or sad days. And all those feelings are supported by the idea that Joe is a doer trying to accomplish something to be happy. Either that, or he is a rebel trying to avoid action because he feels despondent that he won’t get his way any way. I don’t know what came first, the vasanas or the neediness. But it doesn’t matter.
The World is Apparently Real
Reading your commentary below about removing non-essential variables makes me think that the only thing supporting my sense of being a small needy individual is the idea that the world is real and can give me what I want and that the feelings are me. It seems the only thing left to do would be to relax? Not avoid action out of rebellion, and not do action out of need. This morning in meditation I remembered my uncle standing up in ceremony in front of everyone and announcing “one day my nephew here is gonna take a stand (as who he really is). He doesn’t know it yet, but he will.” My Uncle was a sort of clairvoyant with certain siddhi powers he acquired through fasting. I was only 19 or 20 and had no clue what he meant. But the memory brought tears to my eyes. I don’t have anything left Ramji. You’re right. Joe has gone as far as he can go.
Love
Good thinking, Joe. Karma Yoga is offloading the anxiety first. Now you can start over. Joe is Joe, nothing to be done about it. Unborn unachieved bliss/happiness is always present because you, ordinary unborn non-dual awareness, is always present. Anxiety just obscures it. Monitor for anxiety and give it to Isvara. And while you are at it give Joe to Isvara too. Love you!
