Hello James,
I recently came across your work.. This question has to do with my spiritual path and, specifically, about an experience that occurred when I was 54. I’m now 67.
I worked in a hospital department of Psychiatry for most of my career. Meditation (primarily vipassana ) was a large part of my professional life and my personal life. I attended many retreats over the years and lead mindfulness groups in clinical settings for much of my career.
From a young age, whenever I doodled on paper, I would often doodle the number 54 without knowing why. This occurred until my teens and then it stopped and I didn’t give it any thought.
At age 54 I was engaging in mostly non-duality related practices.
One morning I was walking to work. As I passed a large cemetery I had walked by each morning, out of nowhere my nervous system became very activated. A very unpleasant energy moved up my body and it was as if the feeling of “I or me” seemed to exit and expand in all directions. I no longer felt like who I was, was in my body. I was everywhere. It was quite overwhelming and unpleasant.
I was also hyper sensitive to any stimuli like sound and light and this persisted for approximately 3 to 4 weeks. It felt like a pot of water that was persistently boiling and didn’t settle down into a “simmer” for a number of weeks. Since then I haven’t felt like my primary residence is in my body. It’s like you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube once it’s out.
**Non-local Agent**
My body often feels more like an action figure but the agency resides outside and everywhere. There is also a sense of “presence” that is just there. And it seems like everything is kind of shot through with awareness or god or something . If I hear an airplane in the distance it seems self evident that awareness is Velcro-ed to it and everything else. I don’t really have the language to describe this.
**Fear of Death**
While the thought of dying doesn’t appeal to me, most of my fear of death dissipated with this experience. I have become less interested in formally meditating and more interested in communing with god or spirit (this presence) or reading wisdom texts/writings and seeing how they are all kind of pointing to this but in their unique way based on time and culture. They all seem to make sense now. I generally feel less inclined to speak since this experience and I use the word god now which would have been unthinkable prior to this experience.
***First Freedom *From* the I, then Freedom *For the I****
As I said, I’ve never shared this with a teacher and thought that a Vedanta framework may be able to provide some explanation and insight as to what this was all about. I’m wondering if the next step might be focussing on acquiring self knowledge at this point in my journey. That said, I’m very grateful for having had this experience. I can’t say I’m happy all the time and the term bliss doesn’t really describe it. But there is a background of joy (sort of) that is there most of the time even during seemingly difficult and even unpleasant circumstances. I’m sorry for this long email. Given that this is the first time I’ve disclosed this to a teacher , I wanted to not leave anything out .
J….
Hi J…,
Not only did I read to the end of your email, I immensely enjoyed every word. It’s a valuable document, leave you and me out of it. It’s the non-local agent’s will, eloquently channeled through the local agent, the reflected self. The event you described is more or less a quotidian “non-dual” epiphany and J…’s reaction to it is also typical for a certain type of person aka one who enjoys a certain fondness for Self ignorance. The opposite reaction…”thank God I’m not that J…self”…is an equally common reaction of the local agent.
As I read it to Sundari she said, “*Isvara* (the conscious non-dual agent) is more or less begging J… to relocate.” Or words to that effect. And it so happens that *Isvara*…*God* if you prefer…has already laid out J…’s path, “going forward” to use an over-used Americanism. To whit: seen to it that the J… self, such as it is, came to the right place for the next chapter in his spiritual journey. In a way, all the seeking so far qualified him to begin the most important and enjoyable…some say difficult depending on the degree of attachment to J… stage beyond which there are no stages. First, freedom *from* the individual and then freedom *for* the individual.
Which is Self inquiry, the application of Self knowledge. Formal Vedanta teaching can just as well reveal the existence of the non-local agent, which is the key to freedom and non-dual love, but since *Isvara* already orchestrated that revelation, It is now suggesting that traditional Vedanta, will transfer your identity from the Paul guy to the guyless guy, unborn non-dual ordinary existence shining as bliss-full awareness, or consciousness if you prefer. Assuming that you feel you can relegate him to second fiddle, or no fiddle at all as the case may be. It’s up to you.
Vedanta is perfect for this transfer, as you will see if you want to “lean into” this option, to use another awful Americanism. It’s got the right words, which make your job enjoyable, to say the least. You may have figured it out already, but we…proper Vedanta teachers…are not dicking around. Our lives are centered around our *sadhana*, not the other way around, so you get professional counsel, should you care to avail yourself of it. Which includes personal attention…up to a point…which means supporting the teaching…ShiningWorld is a non-profit charity…with regular donations according to your means, not just for the sake of the tradition…but for the benefit of your own self, which includes everyone.
I don’t know what you know about Vedanta so far, so I suggest you go the home page, locate the New to Vedanta link and follow it leisurely. Think of yourself as already free and take your time. The devil is in the details. You can write to me and I will tell what you can and can’t profitably skip. You don’t have to like me…some say I’m an acquired taste owing to the fact that an essential part of my duty as a teacher is to see that student’s views conform to scripture. I can ask this of my disciples because my life conforms to the dharma of a teacher, as does Sundari’s. I suggest that you attend the Sunday Zoominars and join the Youtube upgrade section as well.
Love,
James
