Dear James,
I hope you and Sundari are well. I (the jiva, if you prefer) have been keeping up my study, reading The Value of Values again, very slowly, spending several days on one value sometimes to really let it sink in. Otherwise, karma yoga is karma yoga 🙂
I’ve been very active on the worldly front, recently, looking for a new job, while still at the current one. I feel less of a need to justify wanting to leave. It’s like an exploitative, co-dependent relationship where it can be very hard to leave, but you feel it’s necessary. So maybe, I think I’m still justifying it!
James: All choices are zero-sum which imply a third option…seek the Self.
Anway, what I’m trying to say is that there is less of an emotional charge attached to the decision to leave (less or no resentment and/or fear). It feels like taking care of the jiva, just as I take care of this person’s physical health by eating well and avoiding harmful substances, I can take care of her emotional wellbeing by removing her from toxic situations (and hopefully not get into another one!). It also feels like simply taking responsibility so that if I continue to live on for many years, I will have done my part to provide for this person (myself) financially, so I don’t have to work till I’m 100 (at a job, that is).
Some days, the busyness of the job search just seems so pointless. Working at a job seems so pointless. Making a contribution can be done without a job, but we usually need the job to finance our various living expenses and I’m glad that I have one. This isn’t a complaint – I just notice that I’m not expecting happiness from a new job either. I’m actually feeling pretty good (except when I think about going in to work) and even when I don’t feel good, that’s OK too.
James: This is a sensible point of view, Lacy. The important info is the reduction in emotionality that’s unfolding. Good for you.
My identity doesn’t feel so caught up with the job search, although I am looking for something more in line with my svadharma, to keep the jiva happy, and for a job that does not disturb the mind unduly (too rajasic or tamasic, for example). I don’t know if such a job exists in “the world”.
James: Well, ultimately action is just action. It goes on and on ad-infinitum but, if it is harnessed in the service of the Self it eventually ends when Self knowledge negates the doer and you see that nothing every happened.
“Life” is moving through me – or I get an image of myself as a string threading through all the lovely or misshapen pearls of experience. And even when I think of myself as a person, things seem lighter. If the new job (when I find it) turns out worse than the old, so what? I’ll look for another one. It feels a little existential at times, like I really could not be bothered with all this frantic running around to sell, to buy, to do this and that.
James: I love the way you express your experience, Lacy! That sense of motionless in the midst of motion will keep growing. Good for you.
And underneath it all, I do feel a kind of solidity as I go about my life and my various more vocational projects (eg writing, body-mind training), which I am quite engaged by.
It’s a strange experience. I recently got some glowing feedback from a mentor about a personal project I’ve been working on. On the one hand, I felt the jiva very thrilled by the words of praise and encouragement, reading and rereading them, and on the other, something felt so detached from it all, not indifferent but like a kind of benevolent observer. Which I know is also me – or simply, me.
So, I just wanted to let you know I’m taking care of the jiva I still sometimes think I am, and wanted to check in to see if you think I’m on the right track.
James: That feeling of solidity is the experience of you, the Self. it is existence shining as consciousness. The non-attachment I you, existence shining as consciousness. I guess I didn’t write back right away because your report is so good. No squeaky wheel, no grease is necessary. There is really nothing to add. You are in Isvara’s capable hands! Not to worry.
Much love,
James
