CC: Where/ when to say no to Isvara is (to me ) basically a matter of unhealthy, often silly vasana’s, likes and dislikes in the mind. I also know that dharma and adharma are in mithya and so it is circumstantial – even though ahimsa is universal. The way ahimsa plays out may look adharmic at times; but such is maya. It is all Satya and so there is no problem, not actually.
Sundari: Yes, well put.
CC: But to see adharma (and also dharma ) as prasad in relation to saying ‘no’ I find difficult. My question comes from a specific family issue – but this question is older. I think it is the peculiar but seeming difference between acceptance and standing; in this case between adharmic behavior of a family member and the need to take care and keep an eye on the whole, while casting him out would (maybe ) be best for all. But maybe not.
Sundari: Sometimes we have to cause injury (or seem to) in order to follow what is dharmic for us, and for the other. Tough love is hard to dish out, and hard to receive. But it is often the deepest. If someone we love is not following dharma, injuring themselves and others, and we allow them to do so, we are causing the most injury to them. And to ourselves.
CC: How this will develop remains to be seen – I can only do what seems best and leave up the result to Isvara. So that is not the issue. But I cannot help someone who doesn’t help themselves. He is not able to help himself, survival mode is full on and misplaced pride/ insecurity lead to bad choices. I feel some fear to cast him out for then I have no idea what may pop up out of nothing. It is also hard and super unkind to do so; but maybe not.
Sundari: We cannot save anyone from their karma, it is a fool’s errand to try. Once you have done all you can, if you are truly practicing karma yoga and trust Isvara, know that whatever the outcome, even death, will be merciful.
CC: I have no solution in this case, which is what it is. I have a lot of compassion. But I cannot allow for crooked behaviors. Saying no is also saying yes and vice versa. So I am trying to see what taking things as prasad means. This also means to deal with problems without having a solution for it – or that is how my thinking is going.
Sundari: See above. Compassion is perhaps the most important emotion we can have towards all life, especially those who are caught in this downward spiral of self-destruction. Everyone deserves our compassion without exception, as James pointed out in his satsang last night. If we can replace every rajasic and tamasic tendency that disturbs the mind with compassion, the mind rests in the bliss of the Self whether it knows it or not. However, as uncomfortable as it can feel, sometimes compassion comes in the form of a very firm, even brutal, NO! Or it comes in the form of a big whack from Isvara, whoever it is delivered by.
The most unhelpful form of compassion is what I call ‘idiot or ego compassion’. We never do anything for anyone other than ourselves because this is a nondual reality. So true compassion comes in the form of selflessly and disinterestedly caring for others, respecting them and their process in life, in seeing the beauty and love of the Self in all. Giving where we can, just witnessing is often enough. This is how Isvara loves, without blame, shame, interference or indifference. This compassion is free and unconditional. It does not require validation or even recognition. It just is.
Whereas idiot compassion, when the ego co-opts the love and is really out to add to its own importance, is just self-serving. It often comes in the form of virtue signaling, and we see a lot of that. ‘Look how caring I am – I feel for everyone!” that kind of thing. It’s just another false identity.
In your case, you love this family member. But what seems to be required now is tough love. It’s hard, but it is often the loving thing to do, for all concerned. It’s your call, you know the situation.
CC: God knows best – and the karma’s playing out are in mithya; so maybe that is the answer and I need not think much further. The more I let go ( internally ), the better I can ‘act’. But it may well be that I miss out on something, the depth perhaps, of prasad and so I check with you.
Sundari: If you truly know without a shadow of a doubt that God knows best, then you do have your answer. And maybe the action you need to take is inaction. Enough is enough.
Hope you are ok
Much love
Sundari