Sandra: I went to visit Carol and it was not a good experience. A bout of intense paranoia and a giant “hairball” unworthiness low-self-esteem vasana emerged. Thank God for Vedanta. The Instant Crap Reducer, the ultimate colon cleanse for the mind…!
Sundari: Vedanta is the ultimate colon cleanse for the mind, that is for sure. But it is far from instant. That is an expectation jivas have which is seldom satisfied even when worldly desires are quickly met. In Vedanta, unless you are a highly qualified inquirer, there is no such thing as instant enlightenment. Those giant hairball unworthiness and low self-esteem samskaras are universal, and highly resistant to destruction, something like the giant fatbergs found in sewers. The Communal detritus that must be blasted with explosives to remove.
Vedanta can explode most of the unconscious programming pretty quickly, but it’s the cleanup that takes time, persistence, and determination. It is amazing how tenacious ignorance is, and how difficult it is to finally be free of it. Only people who are qualified for self-inquiry will see it through as it is often far from fun. We know many long-time inquirers who have never done any real work on their (not)selves, and they remain stuck. It is unavoidable if freedom for and for the jiva is your aim.
Sundari: This is an astute observation, but it sounds like you are talking about your(not)self, not only Carol. Have you truly faced the messy duckpond of your life? Being ‘enlightened’ as the Self and as an ego are two very different things. The former is just knowledge, you are it, and it is permanent nondual vision. The latter is an enlightened ego minus enlightenment, and it comes and goes.
As inquirers, if we are still unconsciously identified with being a person, we are blind to the remaining binding programs, and they contaminate our lives in innumerable ways. Yet, Vedanta is not about making the person wrong; it is to understand who and what they are and the forces that condition them, to be free of the identification with the jiva and not modifying to the gunas. Once we see how Isvara has conditioned the jiva/ego, it is up to us to make the adjustments so that the jiva lives happily—and so do the people around us with whom we have contact. To no longer be a burden to yourself or others.
If moksa is truly your aim, there is no room for making excuses for or protecting the jiva identity – it must be seen for what it is to be dismissed. Only the brutal truth will set you free of the jiva – and then we can truly accept it as it is, flaws and all. All jivas are flawed, we all have our little issues, nobody is perfect. Who cares? This is not about being perfect, quite the contrary. It is about paying attention to what is, to life as it is presenting itself to us, and managing the gunas for maximum peace of mind. Or the gunas manage you. As you know, the gunas are not personal, they play out the same way for everyone. They have nothing to do with anyone as the jiva. They belong to Isvara.
This especially applies to inquirers who are glued to their jiva identity and unaware of it, which is not their fault. Deep samskaras are inaccessible until they are ready to be dealt with. We are all made a certain way and are not to blame for our psychology until we know. When we do, the buck stops there. As an inquirer, it behooves us to understand the jiva and its impact on those around us, how protecting the jiva identity impedes our growth and moksa, freedom from and for the jiva. The greatest service we can do for those around us is to not project our issues onto them, which everyone does, all the time until we truly see it for what it is and stop doing that.
The ego resists, of course, it never likes to hear about the less than fabulous aspects of being ‘human’. But the knowledge makes it clear that there is nothing to feel bad about because you never made your (not) self/ego like it is. In fact, there is only one ego, and we all share it as jivas, if you think you are a jiva, that is. There is nothing special or unique about anyone, all vasanas are universal. The point is, do we want to continue being jerks and suffering, or do we want to apply this amazing knowledge to the jiva? You can say you like yourself the way you are and so does everyone else and that’s perfect. Bravo. Only you will know if this is true or not. There is nothing wrong with the ego and nothing right with it, either. It’s a construct, nothing more.
Sandra: It’s about the shame thing. I think the drama that happened recently is just deflection and the Subtle body’s not so subtle way of saying “I’m not ready”! Not sure if that baby is ready to come out and it’s nobody’s business whether it does or not.
Sundari: True, it’s nobody’s business, and the timing is up to Isvara, so karma yoga is the only sane approach. But the thing about toxic shame is that when it’s buried in the subconscious it’s creating a lot of unspecified pain which never stays buried; it causes endless drama. The mind will try to find relief by projecting onto unsuspecting prey, like a poisonous spider. It can’t help it; the mind has a drive for wholeness and is trying to rid itself of the pain. That’s just how the psyche works, Isvara set it up that way. This is what happened recently and has happened many times before, as you know.
Sundari: Well put. The ego with terminally low self-esteem is blind to how incredibly self-absorbed and narcissistic it is. It is so busy feeling hard done by and sorry for itself that it cannot take others’ needs into account. The shame/drama story has two extreme aspects to how it tends to play out. The one extreme and perhaps the most common is the ego that hides by being sweet and demure to deflect attention while a malignant mind is perpetually gnashing its teeth in the background, comparing, criticizing, envious. The mouse/monster act. The other extreme is the ego that employs the opposite strategy – by standing out beaming dazzling high voltage energy to cover up what it’s protecting and trying to hide.
But either way, the result is that the mind is stuck in the deep dark terror of nothingness that is always waiting to swallow the small self. At the core of all our human problems and mental health issues is indescribable loneliness, a terrifying kind of “naked existence”. It poses such a deep threat that psychiatrists themselves avoid talking about it, firstly because they do not have the tools to deal with it, but mostly because they fear being contaminated by it, too. It is the void, the fathomless abyss of ignorance.
So, it is not surprising that the jiva requires protective mechanisms. They are understandable, Maya being what it is, the ultimate deceiver. Life can be so brutal when you are stuck in duality. You are not unique or alone in this issue. Most people, despite success or failure, fame fortune, or penury, have erected fortresses of bloody battle disappointment, within and without by the time they reach puberty. To protect and defend what cannot be protected. The wolf at the door, ignorance, is already inside, devouring hope in great big gulps.
While Vedanta offers the only solution to the terror of our human condition, opening us up to the true gift of our existence and the beauty of life, it requires that we face our worst demons. However, nididhysana is the toughest part of inquiry. There is no easy way to resolve what is hidden in the unconscious—and no way to stop it from emerging when the time is right. Nobody said that the road to freedom is easy for the ego.
Remind yourself that this samskara is universal. This is the original sin that religion talks of – this fear is the ‘wound of humanity’ as I sometimes call it. It is the king of all vasanas, also what we call free-floating anxiety. When it appears in full force, it’s like looking into hell. It is especially worse for people who have suffered abuse in some form or another, but then, who has not? When the foul smell of the fear/need samskara snakes its way into the mind, it is utterly repellent, especially when Self-realization has occurred, but is not yet hard and fast. All inquirers must pass this way – and there be dragons there. What to do but face them because they won’t go away any other way.
If only Self-knowledge could be an instant panacea, but while it undoubtedly works to end suffering, the jiva must walk the talk and apply the knowledge to every aspect of its life, no excuses work anymore. If we want to be free, peace of mind will never be permanent until we have transformed all our mental/emotional disturbances into devotion to the Self, AS the Self. Not as the jiva/ego. It is only through Self-knowledge that we find ‘the Kingdom of God within’, which is the Self, uncontaminated by the world (gunas) and free of it, incorruptible and totally Self-confident.
No longer bothered by or a prisoner of the endless mind noise generated by the Causal body. Nothing else can wipe the slate clean because nothing else explains what the slate is, what’s on it (apparently), or why. Permanent absolution – no more mysteries, no more void, and no more ‘others’. This is non-dual reality, and there are no others. Everyone we have contact with in our lives is the Self, exhibiting slightly different versions of the same influences, the gunas, as the one universal Jiva, who is the Self.
This issue played out for me too, even though I had realized the Self. My problem back then was an unconscious thought remained that as the jiva never disappeared, it had to be catered to as it is. This is true—the jiva will remain as Isvara made it, for the most part—even with moksa, and we must love it unconditionally, even the ‘bad’ bits. Nevertheless, satya & mithya is duality if you think the jiva is as real as the Self. Taking a stand as the Self the jiva is as good as non-existent. You are Self. You are not The Self and the jiva. So, when jiva appears, dismiss it on the altar of karma yoga. Watch it like a hawk. Give it back to Isvara to whom it belongs. And take note, here I am talking about the conceptual jiva, or small self, not the eternal Jiva who is non-separate from You, the Self.
Sandra: This samskara is like one of those guinea worms working its way out of the system. I find it interesting to view all of this as just the impersonal jiva program expressing itself: mithya with no bearing at all on me. The so-called “others” are a gigantic boon – just a little peek at what seems to be disturbing me leads to understanding of and liberation from limiting ideas that would normally have taken me down the road to suffering; cutting false views off at the knees before they have a chance to create the illusion of whole new worlds of ignorance and pain.
Sundari: Yes indeed. Ignorance is like that, a ‘living’ entity eating you alive from the inside. What’s so interesting about ignorance is unlike everything else in mithya, it does not die a natural death. It must be ‘killed’ by Self-knowledge, nothing else works. If by the grace of Isvara you can crack this one, it leaves you pretty much with a ‘clean bill of health’ – no more ignorance worms! Understanding what the jiva is and not catering to it makes it as good as non-existent.
Sandra: I feel so ashamed of the way I behaved towards you and Ramji. I am sitting with the knowledge and though it has been very hard to see the jiva for what it is, I am so grateful to both of you for standing as the Self and not letting ‘me’ get away with it.
Sundari: Apologies are important, not because we need them, but because you do. They must be allowed for healing to take place and a healthy disgust for the jiva is part of it. But remember not to add it to the shame that you already carry and that has dogged you all your life. A bit of doormat sadhana is good for the ego but remember that the tendency to feel so low about yourself is Isvara given. So, forgive yourself and hand it all back to the creator. Keeping in mind, as I said above, there is a BIG difference seeing the jiva as a jiva (ego) who thinks it is the Self (with the emphasis on thinks) and the Self who knows it is the Self, observing the obnoxious Isvara program. A world of a difference. If the ego is watching the ego, however apparently enlightened it may appear to be, you can be sure that the jiva program remains alive and well. It is still binding. In your case, I think (hope) you have broken through, and hit ‘bottom’, as it were. Our prayer for you is that you are forever free of the jiva program, while accepting it as it is, with a few permanent behavior modifications!
Yet even when Self-knowledge has destroyed the last binding samskaras, the tendency is usually still there, but thankfully, it no longer has the power to bind. It is a burned rope and does not cause a karmic reaction. Thus, compassion for the jiva is important, but not too much! Assimilated Self-knowledge is necessary to make the whole façade collapse, though it usually is not a pleasant experience for the ego when it does. But what a blessing. Good for you for not shying from it.
Sandra: When the deep vasanas emerge like gangbusters it’s a total gift that begs gratitude even though it feels like absolute crap emotionally. The “love whore” vasana, the almost zombie-like impulse to get some kind of love and approval from others, aka the duality-o-meter.
Sundari: We all come in stamped a certain way which most likely will never change that much. With Self-knowledge, what changes is how we relate to it, which changes everything. The hungry love/whore-vasana combat ends eventually. One day you will notice that it is just gone, and you never saw it leave. These are the fetus in the womb samskaras, and they leave only at Isvara’s behest.
With much love
Sundari
