Dear James,
I’m sorry to bother you and if you don’t feel like answering me, it will be fine.
We met 10 years ago in Tiru, during one of your courses on Vivekachudamani. We exchanged some emails soon after, but I doubt you can remember me.
James: Well, you could solve that problem by getting jabbed. I suspect, however, that is just an excuse to stay in Thailand and enjoy the lifestyle, which some might classify as a kind of corruption. Most of the Western spiritual types that are attracted to Thailand are Zorba the Buddha cake-and-eat-it-too guys and gals who are at least as fascinated by their privy parts as they are by the spiritual mysteries of the East.
When I moved to Thailand, not knowing enough about the local mindset and culture, I wrong the investment of my savings in a business that failed after a few months, leaving me flat. From that moment on, for 3 years now, everything I tried to do has gone completely wrong and it’s from then that I’m struggling to survive. But isn’t this the problem.
James: It would be a problem for me if I lost all my money and ended up stuck in a foreign country, but then I’m jabbed (four times) and an American so I can always figure out how to go home and make a buck if money is an issue.
The consistent failures of any trial I have made and the continuous loss of money, the majority of which, sent to me by my sister and friends, have slowly demolished my ego. I finally had to give up trying to control my life. I’ve been pulled out of my character’s skin like toothpaste from the tube, but like toothpaste does, there is still something that, in an extremely painful way, cannot come out. A last resistance that I’m unable to understand, or see.
James: I love your toothpaste metaphor. And I love the idea that you are revisiting Vedanta. Sometimes we have to hit bottom before we understand the full value of this great means of Self knowledge and commit seriously to it. It’s always good to do things professionally, particularly self enquiry. I should warn you, however, that I get the sense that you’re not particularly sold on self discipline and renunciation, so working your way out of this pickle might be a tad difficult. Hopefully, you understand the alternative…more of the same…is definitely not an option.
I’ve changed a lot. I’m not anymore the one I was only six months ago, something big finally has turned my mind in and my perception of the world is very different now. The main compulsive behaviours and thoughts are gone or under control. I’ve cut off the behaviours, once automatic, of which I’m aware, pretty much all of them, and I’m doing my best to keep my energy high, to keep clean and still my mind. I know, mentally, all the theory. Advaita’s paradigm is totally clear to me, I could hold classes about this subject.
James: I’m waiting for the “but…” because I’m not sure that your statement that you have demolished your ego is actually true. Normally, the ego doesn’t demolish itself. If it did it wouldn’t be around to enjoy the result.
But something holds me back from being, finally, liberated. From being happy and free from any worries. I’m constantly experiencing a deep sadness, fear, anxiety, of course of the character, because of the completely unstable life situation.
James: That’s not true. Life lesson #1: Life is always unstable. The real reason is that you haven’t understood the very first Vedanta teaching, so I don’t think you should begin teaching Vedanta just yet. Smiley here. And what is the first teaching? Karma Yoga. If you had assimilated the knowledge 12 years ago, you wouldn’t be writing me now because you would be worry free, money or no money. What holds you back is a fearful ego.
In short, notwithstanding all I know, I mean not merely to a mental level, I still identify with my character, except for brief random moments during the day. It is a continuous up and down, an alternation of perfect clarity and peace with pain and fear. I am often perfectly centered while in pain and I can’t understand how it is possible!
James: It is possible because you identify with your character. The whole of Vedanta boils down to (1) transcending your guna-driven character and then (2) transforming said character into a more or less accurate reflection of what you really are. It sounds to me like you might be ready to actually start on the spiritual path. With this in mind I recommend that you go the ShiningWorld website, click the Start Here button and familiarize yourself with the Vedantic big picture. You need a clear idea of what is involved before you commit yourself.
Take your time, work patiently though the material. Vedanta is not one of these so-called, dare I say chicken-shit modern Advaita teachings. There is no quick fix. You have to do it right. Then get back to me with your questions. You’ve probably figured out by now that I love what I do and I do it professionally because I completely respect the teaching tradition. I don’t waste my time on whiners and wankers, which is most of the modern “spiritual” world.
Sorry if I’ve been this long. But I don’t know what’s going on and if there’s something I still have to do as an ego/mind/character or if just wait for something to happen…James: Don’t wait for something to happen. That’s the wrong mentality. It sends the wrong message to the power that makes things happen. Do what I suggest. It will kick-start you sadhana. If you sit around twiddling your fingers, God will just give you more of the same. You need to let the Self know that you are serious by doing something. Only the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
A warm hug to you and Sundari,
James: A warm hug to you too! I know I’m sometimes a bit difficult but think of this email as tough love.
