Ramji,
I recalled a thought I had long before discovering Vedanta. Assisted by peyote during a ceremony I always noticed a point at which the mind would let go of its egotistic focus and would rest in what I call “the basic quality of my own awakeness.” This was the point at which the peyote ceased to have any effect. You could take as much as you want and the only result would be more clarity.
It is like the experience of fasting without food or water during the Sundance ceremony. Somewhere around the third day my mind would finally accept defeat and cease to complain that I was too hot or too cold or so thirsty I couldn’t speak. Low and behold, the same “awakeness” would reveal itself and all a sudden I was very happy. Energy would return and I could have easily continued the fast, but the ceremony would end.
Why am I telling you this? Until this point I only applied the idea of the Self as a salve for my constantly externalized mind. I logically overcame the tendency to be stuck on objects. It was like telling a puppy not to shit in “that” spot indoors and the puppy eventually learns to shit outside. The metaphor is a little backward because in Self inquiry you are taking the puppy mind inside its own self through logic rather than sending it outside to find another place to shit. The point is that my approach to self inquiry so far has been to gain relief by recentering on my Self, but it didn’t really work because my vasanas would only rest for a hot minute before the mind started bouncing around like a slobbering puppy looking for something else to play with.
Watching TV is another perfect example. I always click around looking for the next exciting thing to watch. I find myself looking through the thousands of shows but lately nothing interests me. What am I looking for? I am looking for happiness in the form of temporary relief. Pleasure and entertainment. But the only reason I am not happy is because I am looking for happiness. I already know nothing is more enjoyable than the “basic quality of my own awakeness.” I used to think of awakeness or awareness as a quality of mind that I could access through the ceremonies but now I know it’s just me. This is the end of the road. When you subtract everything else. Here I am.
It’s so fucking simple nobody gets it because the mind is a puppy looking for a toy. Action in inaction. I can act in the world but it better not be for happiness because then my mind is externalized and I have forgotten the truth. I can enjoy the world but don’t forget about the one without whom enjoyment is not possible. I may suffer pain or hot or cold or thirst, but making avoidance of pain my top priority does not lead happiness either. It is akin to the desire to avoid boredom. It leads to a weak pleasure seeking mind that thinks that action is necessary for happiness.
You can’t get there through external action, which is what you were trying to tell me at lunch that day when we were talking about “what to do.” Why ? Because your already there! When you stop whining like a little bitch puppy that life is not gonna give you what you want, or is gonna give you what you don’t want, or you might lose what you already have, then there you are. A warrior. Not a brawler against this action or that. But a mature person. Wow, what trip! What a journey!!! Thank you. A million times. Thank you.
Love
Jason
