Mike: Hi, James.
My karma yoga and inquiry have not been the best lately. Illness, troubles at work and other minor difficulties left me more tamasic, and my focus and energy have been poor. No big deal, life is like that sometimes. I am really conscious that I have a fortune and a blessed life.
I don’t know if this is a good time for you to take any questions, so please don’t worry about getting back to me if it is any trouble. In case you are able, here is the question. Sorry in advance about the length.
I have a question about my practice. This is something that I’ve spoken with you about over Skype more than once, and for me at least, it’s subtle enough that I feel like I have a difficult time communicating about it clearly. I think I also have trouble retaining the answer when you explain it to me. It is hard to express with words.
Here goes:
We talked about how I have practiced self-remembering for almost 40 years, after having read Ramana Maharshi and Gurdjieff all those years ago. Now after these decades of practice all I have to do is hold my attention a certain way (that I don’t know how to describe), and immediately my internal dialogue ceases and I enter into a state of profound stillness and silence and what seems like limitless non-dual awareness. Everything seems to come into focus: awareness, my body, the world, everything. This feels so right to me, perfectly good, whole, complete and a feeling of uncaused well-being. I can do this any time I remember to do it. I go into the state immediately. This seems like moska to me, absolute freedom and well-being. It usually only lasts a couple of moments until I get distracted, but if I hold my attention on it deliberately the state will last as long as I remember to hold my attention, and the experience gradually intensifies until, first, the sense of existing as an individual ceases; second, the sense that the world and everything is just fine as it is comes along; and finally the sense that everything is all one thing becomes really clear.
So, as we’ve talked about on Skype a couple of times now, this experience is intermittent and only happens when I deliberately trigger it, and usually only lasts a couple of moments, although it has lasted for as long as three weeks at a time; and despite being a wonderful experience, all of that has not resolved the issues of suffering in my life; for example, my lifelong procrastination and general low opinion of myself. Because, as you say, it’s an experience, not knowledge, and I haven’t really correctly understood the meaning of the experience.
When I first started studying with you I stopped doing that self-remembering technique because I understood that it was heading down the wrong track, and I used the opposite-thought and the identity-mantra techniques instead as you instructed, and that got me out of a lifelong habit of intense self-reproach in just a couple of weeks.
Wonderful.
I did miss the nice experience though, which seemed like everything anyone could want, except that it didn’t last. Also, I’ve started to feel kind of “wrong” when I am not in that silent state, the relentless mental talking to myself, self-criticism, complaining, habits and desires have become just wearying and disgusting now; I prefer the silence.
So in summary my life is great when I am in that state but it doesn’t last or solve the problems of suffering permanently. Finally, after all that background review, here is the question:
As an inquiry, should I negate that wonderful experience? Like “this wonderful peace and well-being is also not-me”? I would just try but I think my head might explode. ☺
Man, sometimes I have to laugh at myself and how wordy and earnest I get, and sometimes I feel like “dammit, I know I am so close!!!” Too funny.
I regret a little bit having sent this pile of words yesterday; it seems foolish and a little abusive of your time. I know the answer is to continue with the inquiry and yoga. I hope all is well with you.
~ Love, Mike
James: Hi, Mike.
I regret telling you to stand in the queue until your email comes up. But since I am an ocean of compassion and can’t stand that you suffer for even one more day, here is the short answer.
There is no need to negate that wonderful samadhi. It negates itself, as it ends. It is temporary freedom but temporary freedom is bondage. It is a state of mind, a disassociation from the world, but what disassociates, associates – the law of karma. You, awareness, are the impersonal factor that observes Mike in the samsaric state when it appears and the moksa state when Mike induces it. If you understand what it means to be awareness, then Mike and his two states – suffering and freedom – becomes just another object, a person, a doer, with ups and downs like everyone else. You don’t care about what the guy down the block is thinking and feeling right now, so why do you care what Mike is feeling right now?
This leads me to conclude that you think you are Mike and you want Mike to be happy all the time, which is more or less possible, if you are willing let go of the habits – you know what they are – that bother you. And at the same time develop positive thought patterns, which you are attempting to do now with the help of Vedanta. So the only solution is karma yoga. Offer the anxiety to Isvara, roll up your sleeves and get to work. And wait for the result, which in the fulness of time, will definitely be a more or less happy Mike. We don’t know how long it is going to take for Isvara to deliver the result, so you might as well be happy while you wait, since the worry doesn’t affect the result. In fact the worry is the result of worrying. So if you can stop worrying, the worry will stop. You can of course sit in samadhi all day, but as soon as your concentration wavers, the sad old Mike appears. Alas, alack.
It is a big joke and you are much closer than you think. However, when Mike’s low self-esteem, which is just another habitual thought, kicks in, it seems like your goal is very far away. I hope this helps. Yes, sometimes people get caught up in my energy and fail to hear clearly, so maybe it is best to write it all out so you can think about it. Memorize this train of thought and call it to mind the next time you are anxious or depressed.
~ Much love, James
