Shonia: As for the art, for some time I’ve noticed much less motivation, even interest. I think it’s a general shift but could also relate to becoming weary after 15 years of the commercial art gallery experience, which can range from mildly annoying to depressing. It has provided a moderate income, but the past year sales really slowed down, as everything did. It brings up the age-old insecurity about making a living as an artist jiva. But now it’s run through the practice of nididyasana, as is everything. It’s the only thing that makes sense to me now.
To be honest, Sundari, there are moments when I actually stop and catch my breath from the awareness that I truly don’t experience a sense of purpose in the world as I once did. It’s been like this for quite a while, and it seems to be enduring. I liked the satsang you wrote about a month ago to someone expressing a similar thing.
Sundari: As an advanced inquirer, you are well aware of the requirements for self-inquiry, especially in the nididhysana stage. This last stage is no walk in the park, and it is more important than ever that knowledge is applied to your life. What we find many inquirers forget though is to take a full inventory of their guna management. I call it doing a ‘guna audit’. While you know that the gunas are objects known to you, eternal vigilance is still the price to pay for freedom, even when you know who you are. Remember that freedom is for the jiva, you as the Self have always been free. The gunas in the nididhysana stage can still take the mind places that are not conducive to peace of mind. So, take stock of what is going on in the mind and practice good guna hygiene.
Karma yoga too, is as important as ever, though at the nididhysana stage it becomes a different kind of mind management. It is managing the mind’s involuntary as well as habitual thoughts and feeling patterns (which are bedrock duality and can survive moksa) with jnana yoga. What you are aiming for in managing the gunas is deliberate thinking, which, as Self-knowledge firms up, becomes spontaneous thinking. When this happens is by the grace of Isvara, and then karma yoga and discrimination are no longer practices as such. They are the default position of the mind, it never ‘slips’ back into ignorance. The doer is negated and the mind no longer conditions to the gunas, though it manages their relative proportions always with reference to sattva. Vedanta has only one agenda and that is that suffering is bad. What use is Self-realization if the jiva is still being jerked around by the gunas?
Therefore, a cautionary note about the gunas may be necessary if you are stuck in a certain thought pattern, like a car stuck in low gear, without the power to go far or the impetus to get out of it. Even in the late stages of self-inquiry, if your guna hygiene has slacked off, it is quite possible for rajas or tamas to run wild and take over the mind. In which case, it is very difficult to practice karma yoga or taking a stand in Awareness because these mischief-maker’s block or dull discrimination in the case of tamas, and extrovert the mind in the case of rajas. Unfortunately, for most inquirers, even though Self-realization is firm as it is in your case, there is almost always still some purification to do on residual identification with the jiva program, i.e., there is still some duality in the mind. Because of this, ignorance can still stand in the way of the appreciation of your true nature as the Self, and thus the jivas’ sense of perfect satisfaction is greatly diminished or does not take place at all.
The ‘all is emptiness/purposeless’ stage the self-realized jiva goes through is created by tamas, which presents another Self-actualization problem. It usually (but not always) affects more mature people who have families and/or careers. Jobs, families, creative careers solve the problem of financial and emotional security, as well as a lending a sense of purpose. But they don’t take care of the doer problem. The tendency to act has no place to go when you realize the zero-sum nature of life. What then, for the poor doer? The risk here is that the doer slips into depression because you cannot in good faith distract it with the mindless samsaric pursuits that previously occupied it. Recently the pandemic has made this much worse because the mind is forced to face itself and has nowhere to hide or seek distraction. Now more than ever things on the world stage can seem pretty gloomy looked at through the lens of tamas.
But as you do know this, yet the pointlessness persists, ask yourself, why should mithya have any point or purpose to it? It is inherently pointless because it is not real. If the last vestige of the jiva still hopes to find meaning or purpose, it still suffers because the only true purpose of life is to realize the Self. There is nothing else. Once you have started on the path to freedom, the emptiness of objects is a fact you can no longer escape. Freedom starts with the realization that all objects are value-neutral. They only have the meaning you give them. Nonetheless, if the jiva program still lingers at this stage, the experience of the meaninglessness of life is not an easy one to get through. Take heart in the knowledge that everything will pass as all things do in mithya. It’s just the ego getting on board with the idea that it is not the doer, that nothing in this world is what it seems. Surrender the tamasic feelings on the altar of karma yoga, give them to Isvara to whom they belong, and no matter if you must fake it, keep taking a stand in Awareness as Awareness stoically practicing the opposite thought.
Shonia: I’ve been doing what you told me to do…taking a stand in Awareness and thinking the opposite thought but I still have this overwhelming sense of pointlessness, I cannot shake it. I negate that as well. I am not this pointlessness, I observe it from my true nature, the place beyond thoughts, feelings, actions, words but it just seems to continually return. I also seem to be losing interest in my normal activities. In work, sex, exercise etc. Is what I’m doing normal or is this approach flawed in some way?
Sundari: I addressed this in my last email to you. What you are experiencing is ‘normal’ in that most inquirers go through this stage of ego-death. It is not necessarily a bad thing to lose interest in samsaric activities. Self-inquiry involves examining our relationship to everything in our lives. Some things remain, others change or leave us. It is not an easy time for the poor ego, but as I said, it passes. The answer lies in guna management and karma yoga. This last year since the pandemic changed our idea of “normal’ has been tough for many. Even with Self-knowledge, if it is not firm, life has taken a turn into unchartered, anxiety-inducing waters. Isvara put life as we knew it on pause, which for some has been great, a much-needed respite from rajas, a time to be still and to reflect. But for others, it brought on tremendous tamas, an awful feeling of being becalmed, directionless, of languishing, and fear of the unknown. Humans do not fare too well with prolonged uncertainty. Especially uncertainty as to what to do about life or if they will survive. For most people security is the main motivation in life, and there has not been much of that for a long time now. Not that there ever was really though samsaris like to believe there was.
But it sounds like your problems are not pandemic-related. It seems you really have fallen into the pit of the void. It happens to many qualified inquirers who are Self-realized but not Self-actualized when the truth of life being zero-sum sinks in. Though it should be really good news, for the doer, it is often the worst news. So, the doer ‘hits the wall’ so to speak realizing that there really is ‘nothing out there’. Or it just seems to run out of steam, and everything stops, confronted by a great big blank. Particularly when the person they once took themselves to be is revealed to be no more than a construct, a mirage, a guna-generated program. What to ‘do’ when you realize not only that you are not the doer, but that there is nothing you can do?
When this tamasic state of mind takes over one must requalify and start at the beginning, taking stock of all the qualifications and foundations for self-inquiry that need strengthening. Many advanced inquirers get stuck at this point because though they understood the big picture of Vedanta very quickly, they skipped some of the foundations. Vedanta is a very precise and progressive teaching for a very good reason. The jiva program, what we also call System 2 Operating System (S2OS), comes in preprogrammed by Maya. Ignorance is hard-wired in all jivas bar a very few highly qualified souls. Would that we could just delete or uninstall the OS as one does an app one no longer needs or wants on our computer. It doesn’t work that way. The Operating System will run in the background by default unless it is removed by Self-knowledge. Nothing else can remove it. And if it is only partially removed, then you are not partially free. Partial freedom is not freedom.
We call falling into the pit the ‘void’ because all objects are finally truly known to be devoid of substance and meaning, which of course, they are. That is the whole point of self-inquiry. But sadly, knowing that we are the Self does not magically translate into the disappearance of the jiva with all its stuff. Isvara embeds the duality OS quite thoroughly into the mind/body instrument of every jiva. What tends to be hidden from view for inquirers stuck in the void is that the mind has not relinquished the desire for objects to matter. There are still some hooks that have not been negated, which is why the last stages of self-inquiry can take years and years for some. Most advanced inquirers know only too well that nididhysana is the purification of the remaining vestiges of mental/emotional patterns. But it is quite a different matter to complete this final stage so that Self-actualization can take place naturally.
What all serious inquirers dedicated to the last stage of self-inquiry are aiming for is to transition directly from jiva dissatisfaction to perfect Self-satisfaction. The beautiful Sanskrit term for this is tripti, and everyone wants that. It is non-dual love, parabhakti, where love is known to be you, your true nature, meaning Consciousness. It is having all you could ever want and knowing that it will never leave you. It is love loving itself. It is limitless satisfaction, parama sukka is another word used in the texts. The nature of the Self is parama prema svarupa. Parama means limitless; svarupa means nature and prema is the love the makes love possible. When I know I am the Self, I am prema, limitless love. This love is knowledge because Consciousness is intelligent.
Sadly, Prema is only known when Self Knowledge has completely negated the doer, and you are totally qualified when Self-realization takes place. I.e., all binding vasanas are rendered non-binding. This is seldom the case, which is why nididhysana for most inquirers, is the most difficult and the longest stage. Swami Paramarthananda, calls nididyasana ‘requalifying.’ You never know when, during the manana phase, firm Self-knowledge will take place and you never know how long nididyasana will take. In fact, if Self-knowledge makes you a perfect spontaneous karma yogi, it doesn’t matter because time doesn’t exist for you. You are still the Self, before, during, and after.
My favorite saying about this is that the steps (of self-inquiry) to ‘get there’ are the qualities of “being there”. Meaning? There is never a time when you are not the Self. There is no ‘there’ there because you are the there. There is only a time when you don’t fully appreciate this. Therefore, if you don’t experience perfect satisfaction when Self-realization takes place, you need to remain humble and keep up the practices that qualified you for understanding, as they will, eventually remove the obstacles to limitless bliss. Karma yoga in particular is really about aiming for the bliss of the Self because you give up the burden of doership to Isvara, whom you trust to take care of the life of the jiva.
At the same time, the fact that you are not Self-actualized does not prevent you from appreciating that you are the Self, even if sometimes, some residual jiva ignorance arises out of the Causal body obscuring this fact. You cannot forget who you are at this stage. It is highly unlikely that you will fall back into total lack of discrimination, though we have seen this happen on a few occasions. But even then, you cannot become more or less the Self, you can only have more or less ignorance preventing total satisfaction. It is also important to note that total satisfaction does not mean the jiva never has another bad day. Self-knowledge does not inoculate the jiva from the challenges of life, it just means it does not identify with them. So, in truth, you never have another bad day once Self-knowledge is firm, because though the jiva is you, you are not the jiva.
There is a way out of your current state of mind even though there is no magic wand, and it is to keep your mind on the Self and keep up the practice of Self-knowledge. If you do not have one, start a practice of devotion, very important as a way to show appreciation for the great gift of life. As homage to Isvara, to the Self, especially when the jiva does not feel gratitude. It’s easy to be grateful when everything is going your way but not easy at all when the jiva is very present feeling depressed. Gratitude is one of the most powerful weapons we have against purposelessness, and it is a gift given to us by God/Isvara for our sake, not God’s. God does not need our gratitude but the jiva does. There is no happiness for the jiva without gratitude.
A devotional practice is encouraged as part of your sadhana as an essential way to manage the childish wilful ego. All the elements are worshiped, deified, and given great homage in the Vedic tradition. Chanting, pujas, and rituals can be helpful for energetic rajasic types who need to be occupied with something worthwhile instead of wasting time in gratuitous egoic pursuits—such as an addiction to social media, for instance. They are also great for tamasic types to lift tamas into balance with sattva. We love chanting and do so several times daily.
Chanting mantras is the same as praying and a great way to keep the mind on the Self. As Vedantins, we chant what are called ‘identity mantras’ – we understand the meaning of the words. We chant mantras because we enjoy the bliss of the Self, but we know that the bliss is who we are. We do not chant or perform any other ritual to gain anything. The purpose of the mantra is to deliver knowledge, not to have a blissful experience, and though it can do that and usually does, it is not the aim. So when you are feeling down or purposeless, start chanting. You can even make up your own chant, or find a part of the scripture that is particularly meaningful to you and chant that. It doesn’t matter what you chant as long as your mind is on the Self.
Take a fearless moral inventory and see what patterns you are neglecting to negate with Self-knowledge. Treat the mind like a recalcitrant stubborn child and keep at your sadhana. It may be a grunt and not a whole lot of fun, but as long as you still have some objectivity about your tamasic state of mind, you will get through it. Don’t waste time beating up on the jiva or judging it. All Jivas are a flawed bunch thanks to the gunas, and nobody is doing anything, there is no blame. Our jiva program plays out the way it does, and we are either tied to it or not. At the same time, being free of it does not mean we stop thinking and feeling; all that changes is the import we give to our thoughts and feelings. To be truly free the jiva must be free to feel down, sad, upset, disappointed, angry, etc., as well as happy and peaceful.
But if negative feelings loom large and take up residence in the real estate of the mind for longer than it takes to recognize that they are there, I am clearly, not that free. Freedom means I see my thoughts and feelings as they arise and the knowledge kicks in instantly to dissolve them. While at first this discrimination may not produce the true and permanent satisfaction I am after, it is much better than being sucked into the depths of rajas or tamas. Knowledge is power, and there is nothing that compares to Self-knowledge. So, hang tight to the scripture, it is your lifeline!
Life under the spell of Maya can be hard and heartbreaking; Maya is relentless in its daily grind. Nothing is permanent, everything in life is always in the process of decay, of entropy, of leaving us, which is why freedom from dependence on objects for happiness is the only true salvation. Give thanks that you have the greatest gift of all at your disposal, the Vedanta means of knowledge. The jiva may be feeling a bit lost, but in its hands is only the map out of the dream of Maya. When you are free of the dream, then you can see that life is actually benign and inherently beautiful because you, the knower of the dream, are the beauty that makes it beautiful. You are what brings meaning, joy, and purpose to everything. And you never fail because you never change, and most importantly, you are always available. Your fullness never begins or ends. Then, there is nothing to fear or feel depressed about. Let that be your mantra.
It is good that you seem to be objective about the repetitive bad feelings appearing in your mind and discriminating them from the Self, even though they keep returning. Keep it up. Nobody said freedom from and for the jiva is easy which is why faith in the teachings is such an important qualification. If that fails you, Maya is right there waiting to take over the mind. Don’t let it. Hold fast to the knowledge and keep discriminating.
You have the only security that matters in this life, and that is Self-knowledge. You can trust it.
Much love
Sundari
