Tom: Thanks so much for your response. Yes, I think that may be the truth. As time moves on, it can be difficult to see what we are adding to each other’s lives. I hoped that this could be the one, that I could check out of the relationship game. We have a lot of similar interests as I mentioned, particularly Vedanta, but we are just so different in many ways. Yet Clara is the most loyal and loving partner I have ever had, but it comes at a cost. The relationship can be isolating as she struggles to connect deeply with others, and I miss the interaction with friends. I understand some part of my manas is nourished by the many friendships I have, but it is a struggle to maintain them in this relationship.
Sundari: Being the same as another person is not necessarily a recipe for a happy or unhappy relationship. There are many factors involved in why anyone comes into our lives, and if we have a modicum of emotional intelligence and maturity, we can accommodate where necessary. Relationships are all about accommodation, as long as we are not going against our svadharma and values to do so. Having the same values is what matters most, and at least you do both value self-inquiry, which is the most important value anyone can have.
Tom: It brings up a lot of sadness anytime I think of breaking up. A lot of paternal and maternal projections. We have been sleeping side by side for 3 years now, and I’ve become accustomed to her loving touch and cuddles. But I do believe her vasana for touch is probably quite binding and I’m only reinforcing that vasana by letting things continue. On the other hand, there is a clear benefit to touch, oxytocin, and so on, and in the end, they are just different forms of ananda emanating from that one Brahmananda.
Sundari: All jiva’s have a bunch of parental projections to deal with, it’s hard to avoid as it is the most powerful programming. This is why dealing with our childhood issues is at the heart of self-inquiry and the qualifications to develop for it. It’s human nature to want to be held and touched, most people have this desire. Jivas are primed for touch from the time we are born, and if we do not get it, we do not develop healthy psychologically, physically, or spiritually. Some abandoned babies even die if they are not held. There is nothing wrong with this desire unless you are in unhealthy bondage with the other person. If you see the other as non-different from you, that their body and yours share one guna dance, and that the bliss this brings comes from the essence of you as the one Self, bring on the oxytocin!
Tom: So, I’m not ready to give up on us just yet. There has been great learning for the jiva by sticking with it thus far. I realise that the free-spirited ego is somewhat just an excuse for a somewhat damaged/neglected child that’s been unable to look at itself in the mirror. Committed relationships really highlight the jivas undesirable vasanas as they come up again and again, there’s nowhere to hide. As opposed to friendships; when the jiva sees a vasana it doesn’t like in itself, it projects it onto one friend and then indulges another friend who reflects a more desirable vasana. But it’s all good, I’m still a free spirit whatever be its maker is not so important. We will continue enquiring openly and honestly, so then if we do part, at least it will be knowledge and not ignorance that makes the split.
But yes, thanks for points on adharma and sadness/anger. On the one hand, the relationship may well be adharmic, on the other hand, it could be Isvara asking the jiva to step up and assert itself and its values, not to become enmeshed in the story of other jivas such as parents, partners or even my very fine self. Time will tell the truth.
As always, thanks for your time, guidance, and friendship. Keep up this great work that you do. It’s true gold.
Sundari: Thank you for the feedback., much appreciated. As I said previously, you have a good handle on the psychology of the jiva and are well aware of the pitfalls of dependence, from what you say. Mature people realize that being a ‘free spirit’ does not mean much, and there is not much freedom in it. It usually means that you are what you are rebelling against, or are too selfish to consider anyone else’s needs, or you are just plain afraid to love.
Relationships are tricky things, all come with their downsides, all come at a cost, even the best ones. There is no way around this, really, other than karma yoga, and of course, non-dual vision. Even when you know who you are, as you do, being in a relationship with someone who does not know means you gain intimacy but lose personal freedom, space, and time. When you are in a relationship with someone who has realized the Self, this tension does not arise.
This is a problem if know you are freedom as the Self, beyond time and space. In some cases, though, as a Self-realized person the cost of being in a relationship with someone who is needy and demanding, even with karma yoga, is too much. Karma yoga works perfectly to manage difficulties in relationships, but it cannot make up for one that constantly disturbs your peace of mind. Then the problem is a conflict with your svadharma and your values. If this is the case, it can usually only be solved by moving on, even if it is hard.
We know Vedantins who have eschewed having a relationship for this reason, they do not want to have to manage another person’s likes and dislikes. There is nothing wrong with choosing a life that is not focused on anybody else, living free of expectations and sovereign unto yourself, to do as you please, especially if your main focus is self-inquiry and moksa. For many true inquirers, this may well be necessary especially if there has been a tendency towards dependence.
For the dedicated inquirer, having a relationship means that you need to confront why you are in it, what binding desires are keeping you in it or driving you to seek the ‘other’. If you need to take another person’s needs, likes, and dislikes into account, often at the expense of your own, as you have found, this can be a good sadhana with the practice of karma yoga. But it can also not only seriously impact peace of mind but self-inquiry too.
That said, freedom from all accommodation is not freedom. What is overlooked by people who refuse the downsides of a relationship is that it is in accommodating your own likes and dislikes and the endurance of hardship, that satisfaction develops for the jiva. True happiness and satisfaction come only from Self-knowledge of course, but jiva happiness and satisfaction come from growth, and growth requires sacrifice.
You cannot improve you’re the jiva’s life by hoarding it, by never giving it away; there is a price to everything in life and self-protection offers no exemption. This does not mean that everyone is suited to be in a relationship, or even should be in one. Certainly, this is an area that requires tremendous honesty and objectivity, especially because of the mind’s tendency to project and deny. But it is true that if one is committed in love and not co-dependence, a relationship can bring enormous growth, even if relationships cannot give you happiness or freedom. That’s and inside job!
True freedom is freedom from our binding likes and dislikes, freedom from dependence on anyone or anything for our happiness. An independent life is one where you take care of your jiva dharma happily (whatever it is) because freedom and happiness are already assured as you are the source of both as the Self. As the Self, you are free of the jiva, and the jiva is free to be anything it wants to be, which means it is free to have a relationship or not because it is not looking for fulfillment or happiness through it.
As the jiva, much of our happiness and satisfaction in life depends on the reasons we make the choices we make. Many people are in relationships for the wrong reasons and suffer the consequences. But others confuse freedom with no responsibilities, an escape from conforming to the rat race, and the insanity of social and cultural expectations. While there is undeniably great value in not chasing objects for happiness, and in refusing to allow others to determine our values, worth, or obligations, running from sacrifice can end up being just as much of a prison as conforming to outside pressure.
A life without sacrifice is a life without growth, and such a life is empty and ultimately, boring. I said this recently in another satsang, but some of the emptiest and most narcissistic people I know are those who pride themselves on never having succumbed to societal pressure to ‘settle down’. Whatever that means. What is hidden from these people is the fear that underpins the fact that they have never faced their inability to truly give and receive love.
As stated true freedom is only found in the Self, but life is a complicated dance. It is a process of giving and taking. Though you are not the jiva, to live a fulfilling interesting life we need to reach out to life, to ‘others’, to risk giving of ourselves, to make a contribution to the whole, in some way. Maybe your relationship is your opportunity to do this.
There is no right or wrong answer to the choices we make in life, only consequences. Everyone has their unique svadharma to follow. It is up to us to make choices based on what is true for us, and nobody can tell us what that is. Only you will know if you are clinging to a partner through fear and dependence or holding them in the open embrace of the love that is your nature.
Much love
Sundari
