This will be the text that Lucua will teach on this Sunday’s Online Zoom on the Psychology of Relationships
Nondual relationship, you dont see the other person as something other than yourself. That is only possible if you subtract the person’s body from the relationship.
You focus on the shining being that is in the body. You understand that what you love in that person is that shining light, shining awareness, that loving Self that is in that person and you understand that it is the same being that is shining in you.
And that is reciprocated from the apparent other too, this being which has no particular characteristics.
As soon as you start paying attention and relating to the differences that pertains around that shining being inside, your communication suddenly becomes dualities.
And then you have to transact…
That is evident sign that you are having a dualistic stance to relationships, if you try to extract from others.
Then your particular individuality needs to interact with their peculiarities.
In nondual you always focus on the oneness, sameness of the two, not differences.
When you transact, you don’t know you are whole and complete and thus try to obtain: Attention, Love, Care, Deeds, Acceptance
Thus you don’t offer these willingly, but look for ways to extract them from outside. As always this is just ignorance, lack of knowledge of who you are.
When we bring an extracting mindset to relationships, other jivas can feel it and naturally pull away.
Nondual means you are devotional and offers every action freely to the apparent other as they are just you anyway. Therefore serving not extracting or transacting.
Energy flow must be balanced in the field and subsequently in the jiva system, as part of the field.
Out Throat Chakra 🡪 🡨 in Solar Plexus Chakra
When we are needy all energy flows out 🡪 and the participant unconsciously immediately lets it flow in 🡨 to balance the energy
This account for the Avoidance, and codependent attachment styles.
The co-dependence view will only feel ok if the other person is ok, where avoidance style, just focus on feeling ok and dont care about anyone else.
The nondual attachment style is Secure. You know you ok and serve from fullness, the saucer of your overflowing cup, as you know they are the Self, and am therefore whole and complete and always ok.
Meaning because I know I am whole and complete, I don’t need anything and am already satisfied. Serving and paying attention to the other, looking for opportunities to serve, very positive. So the attention is on a higher idea.
I do not try to extract from others, as there is only the Self – what could I extract that I don’t have.
Thus, when they are in your presence they can breathe, as you are looking for ways to contribute to them, not extract, unconsciously they feel that nothing/no one is pulling on their subtle body.
The whole and completeness is communicated – and there is a great sense of lightness.
Helping those around you is a great danger – if it is your need for virtue and therefore not necessarily for their greater good – just for you to feel good.
And the need to be needed goes hand in hand with this, if you are aware that you are whole and complete and therefore – being needed does not add to you.
Unless we are honest with ourselves, we will not face this aspect in relationships. If you look to others to solve your problems, know you are projecting your limitations onto them.
Be mindful, it is easy to bypass and deny, and then Tamas have you in its grips.
Be fearless, ask the people around you, where do try to extract from them, and then take an honest inventory of the feedback. Don’t just believe because they said so, but be honest. Apply discernment and dispassion.
If you get angry in a relationship – you did not get what you wanted. You had a need that was unmet.
If you want freedom, you have to be willing to give it to all other jivas too.
The fullness of our nature makes needing anything from your partner unnecessary, even practically.
Ishvara takes care of life, and we participate when needed, thus I do not need to extract my partners time and energy, if will show up and work as needed as it always does.
The cure is always karma yoga – when we show up and do our best, offering our actions to Ishvara and not expecting any specific results.
By default, we unhook others from our demand on them to provide a certain outcome.
Whatever we receive, we are grateful for as it is a gift from Isvara.
Taking the karma yoga attitude to our relationships free the relationship from the having to provide fullness, which it cant as you are already whole and complete.
I use involved detachment at the practice, I am intimately involved with others when they are there (apparently) as I don’t go anywhere and nothing ever changes/happens for Self.
And yet have no expectation of what their session and apparent journey will bring.
I merely facility that they may find their own fullness and therefore do not need anything/anyone anymore.
I know they are complete and whole, needing nothing, and by holding that space for them, they can claim it if and when they are ready.
Practicing from completeness gives them the opportunity to feel that it is possible, even when it is not always verbalised.
When I receive them, I do tell them,
I do not need to fix/heal them, for they are already whole and complete,
I just need to help them to find that for themselves.
Sometimes that implies simply applying karma yoga (without knowing it), as they focus on giving their best moment to moment without expectations on the results is sometimes the simplest yet freeing practice.
That does not constitute Karma Yoga per se as the offering to Ishvara is not included but is a good starting point.
So, for a moment – lets pause and reflect –
Where do you transact in your relationships?
What is on your shopping list to obtain from others?
A good practice – when you feel unhappy in your relationship, ask yourself, where am I not getting what I want? What need is not fulfilled.
This will bring the focus to you and your dualistic view and remove the focus from blaming others for what they MUST give you, most often what they did not even agree to.
