Rachel: Your answers provide clarity. Thank you for unfolding Vedanta. It’s very exciting to me. May I respond? I greatly appreciate you taking the time with me.
Here is my confusion/resistance: When I inquire into the jiva’s current mindset, I relax and “feel” whole and complete, standing as Awareness and glimpse subtly the truth of Tat Tvam Asi. It appears to me as both knowledge and experience. I don’t believe it is not experience, and that is my problem.
Sundari: Firstly, who does ‘I” refer to in your statement – who inquires into the jiva’s mindset, and who relaxes? Is it the involved split mind observing itself and feeling good about it, or is it the uninvolved and neutral witness of the mind? As Awareness, you are never not relaxed; it’s only the jiva who gets stressed or relaxed. However, taking a stand as the Self and disidentifying with the jiva will reduce stress and relax the mind. These are subtle points, and they relate to your problem. Both knowledge and experience are involved, and they are not in opposition to each other.
As I said to an inquirer this week: Nondual truth is always an apparent both/and, which when reasoned out, cannot be, unless we are talking mithya. Only in mithya can a thing be both true and not true at the same time. But you, the Self, are not in mithya. Nondual means nothing other than. Everything drops away when you take a stand as Awareness – the witness who ‘sees’ only itself because there is only itself. Is there actually anything to see/witness? This is confusing because you as the nondual witness must be both the non-experiencing witness and the experiencing witness. To witness means to experience. So, how can this be?
The discrimination is always between that which is always present and unchanging, the Self/Awareness, and that which is not, everything else. As this is a nondual reality, there is only one principle, so experience is you, the Self. But you are ‘experience’ with a ‘big’ E, which is constant, and not discrete experiences, which are not. You are not dependent on experiences. You seem to experience when Maya appears, but you do not condition to Maya (that which changes) and only ever experience yourself. Can that be called experience, then, if there is only Experience? Words fail here.
Rachel: I also know I am resisting knowing who I am without an accompanying experience. I sensed the resistance when Ramji was teaching this past Sunday. I have listened several more times to the video.
Sundari: You can rest easy knowing that there is nothing wrong with experience with a big ‘E”, and nothing essentially wrong with discrete experiences, either. It’s only identification with discrete experiences, or chasing a SPECIAL experience of Awareness that keeps us trapped in mithya. As stated above, you are never not experiencing Awareness, so why not just accept it?
Rachel: I came to Vedanta as a practicing yogini in a Shaktipat tradition, a Shiva lineage. I sat over 180 days of silent Buddhist Vipasanna and Dzochen retreats to strengthen chit and not be overwhelmed by shakti. By grace, traditional Advaita Vedanta shone when I met Ramji in Tiru in 2008.
Sundari: Yes, your long time vasana for experiential enlightenment still comes through.
Rachel: Ever seeped in experience, I feel like Vedanta is the chisel and I am the stone. Ramji chisel’s away at my ignorance.
Sundari: This is a tough vasana to crack because so much of your identity is steeped in it, both professionally and personally. You are indeed blessed to have found Vedanta and Ramji as a teacher. But you need complete faith in both to break this vasana. Maybe that is a qualification you have not yet quite mastered? This resistance seems to be an indication that the vasana from your long time as a seeker is still binding, even if it is much less so now. Becoming a finder will mean you must drop everything that does not square with Vedanta.
Rachel: I raised my daughter in the ashram, primarily . She is now very successful, and an incredibly fine person. Several years back, she estranged herself from me for a period of time, and I depended on Vedanta and self-care to find my way, to live with clarity and intention.
Without that much pain and suffering, I probably would not be where I am today, forever grateful to the teacher and the teaching. The relationship gradually smoothed itself out as I focused on knowing who I am. I would like to write about it some time, because without knowing “I am the unflickering light of Consciousness” life would have been much harder. I am rooted in Vedanta, no matter what. When I weighed in on the conversation with John Baxter and the value of psychology, that was where I was coming from. Thank you again for taking the time with me. I am extremely grateful.
Sundari: I have spoken with other Self-realized people who were in the same situation because they raised their children in an ashram. It takes a long time to heal the hurt that caused them, and forgive oneself for inflicting it. Karma is karma, and things played out the way they had to. It’s nobody’s fault. Even with Self-knowledge, this must have been extremely hard to get through. You clearly do know the value of Vedanta and of a teacher like Ramji. It’s just that the deep experiential samskara will not give up without a fight, it seems.
Rachel: As a side note, Ramji’s “podcast” Audiobook of THE YOGA OF LOVE, located on the YouTube channel, is exquisite. I haven’t seen it for sale on ShiningWorld. Yet, it’s seemingly perfect. Perhaps it could be for sale on Shiningworld? When you complete your book on Likes and Dislikes, I would love for you to also make an audiobook. Your reading voice is very pleasant to listen to.
Sundari: I will get the audio of YOL on the website, thanks for pointing that out. And thanks for the feedback on my next book, I intend to do an audio version of it.
Thank you again for your feedback, always a pleasure talking to you
With much love
Sundari
