Santos: Ouch… awareness is aware of this jiva suffering a headache.
There is a very existential feeling of being caught between two realities at the moment.
On the one hand, everything studied (Hermetic lore, Sufism, Christian mysticism, Kabbalah, blah, blah, blah) points to the truth that Vedanta so beautifully and directly points to, so it must be Truth. And I am that to which all these teachings point.
On the other hand, there is a wife who scorns every part of this aspect of my life and two beautiful little twin daughters. Other that there are no friends, no other family (either dead or incommunicado), no hobbies or social life.
There is a burning desire to be free but being a householder is without doubt part of this jiva’s dharma… unequivocally. I feel ripped apart and yet I am also the witness of the feeling of being ripped apart. Still so much identification with the former and not enough self-knowledge to understand clearly I am the latter. James book The Essence of Enlightenment is on its way. This jiva needs to start from scratch.
It has been granted a gift of the intellect to understand, but none of the qualifications are in place. It is lazy and clever enough to trick itself into continual ignorance by virtue of spurious arguments and parroted knowledge.
How to truly let go and surrender all to Isvara instead of falsely saying I surrender all… but secretly only to get something for myself.
Ouch. Headache.
Thank you for the wisdom and the honesty, Sundari.
~ Love, Santos
Sundari: Well, you can count on us as your friends and as your own true self. I am glad to hear that you are truly serious about self-inquiry and have realised you need to start at the beginning. There is a very clear methodology and progression to the teachings because that is the only way to do battle with ignorance and win. As I said yesterday, we can help you to unfold the teachings correctly without interpreting them, if you do your part. Or we can continue making jokes and having a good time but that does not serve your purpose much, other than to make you feel good, for a while. Nothing wrong with that, but I am quite sure you want more.
Your life karma is not easy to manage, but it can be done with the right attitude – karma yoga of course. Even as the scornful wife, your wife is the self. Ignorance is what it is and she cannot be blamed for being the way she is. Trying to please her clearly does not work and puts you in a compromised situation, as the pleaser/joker who perhaps uses humour to diffuse situations, smooth others and avoid the real issues. Self-deprecation is fine if you are applying it in service of a rock-solid self-esteem, but if not, well, it is another nail in the coffin of your credibility to yourself and others. I would suggest you stop pleasing everyone, especially your wife. Just stop. See her as the self, honour who she is, but stop taking her seriously. Who cares what she thinks about, Santos? It only matters how you see Santos and what you think of him.
If you want to build your self-esteem, and especially if you really want to make progress with self-inquiry, forget about what anyone thinks of you. If you try to explain to your wife what you are “into,” stop doing that too. Do not disturb the minds of the ignorant. It is a waste of time. She is your wife and mother of your children, and if you feel that the best course of action to honour your svadharma and karma is to remain married to her, then play that part to the best of your ability. Forget about any reward other than the knowledge that you do this because it is true to who you are and you love your little girls. Leave the rest to Isvara, consecrate every thought, word and deed – before you think, speak or act, as an act of love to the whole, to Isvara, to you. Trust that Isvara takes care of everything and everyone because that is the truth. Fake it till you make it, if necessary.
If you apply the teachings, signing on to the logic step by step without skipping, they work to remove ignorance. And you soon will not be faking it because by analyzing the unexamined logic of your own experience you will see that you cannot argue with the logic of Vedanta. Not even a very good intellect like yours is a match for it.
We are here for you, when and if you need guidance. We will hold the mirror of yourself (Vedanta) up for you to see your Self, to the best of our ability. You are a great guy, believe that. Would your gurus lie to you? ☺
~ Much love from us, Sundari
