Dearest Sundari,
I took a break from a lot of things for a while (although my jiva roles of parent, grandparent, healer etc have continued unabated!). I needed to ‘do’ something “for myself” so I started a daily writing practice to express my understanding of this knowledge to myself, for myself – self-love. I follow the injunction that I heard from Swami Dayananda to meet each day with whatever Isvara brings and respond to that, rather than seeking to find something to “do” with the rest of my time here.
Partly this has come about as I am working less in my healing practice now and so have more time. I didn’t want to just fill up time with more of the same rajasic worldly activities, but to find a way of being that more reflects my understanding – a lifestyle shift that I didn’t know how to formulate – after all I’m not a sannyasin and life is well- just life…
I love the writing practice because it is a way of propelling self-inquiry to a deeper level. I don’t think I am a particularly good writer, but this exercise is only for myself, so it doesn’t matter. Every day I explore topics that interest me and sometimes I will go and study a particular text or teaching to get more direct teaching on a topic if I don’t fully get it. Vedanta is such a profound and subtle means of knowledge!!!
It is the journey from understanding in the mind to integration in the Being as the self, surrender of the jiva to Isvara. Along with this is the continuing dance with Parkinson’s that brings new conditions and unexpected changes that require acceptance and adaption – sometimes easy and sometimes a bitch!! Sometimes I feel helpless in Isvara’s hands, and I just must pray for grace.
All things considered, I am actually doing really well, having no serious limitations or restrictions in the body so far. I do lots of exercises to keep things in shape as much as possible. I feel like the little Dutch boy with his finger stuck in the dike, to keep the water back – if I stop it will all come flooding over me! It’s a good incentive to be active every day.
Anyway, I really just wanted to reach out to you, give you a virtual hug, and stay in touch. I am forever grateful to Ramji for bringing me home, and to you for your dear friendship.
With much love,
Sundari: I can imagine that your jiva life is pretty much predicated on what the body can manage from day to day, even though that is true for so many people. The body may not be real, but it is quite a responsibility to have one; it takes a lot of work to take care of it, and energy to accommodate whatever karma unfolds for it. This must be most difficult with conditions such as yours, and though you flow with the karma, I imagine it must be very hard at times. We so admire your dispassionate karma yoga response to it; it is where putting the knowledge into practice counts the most.
What else can one do but be helpless in Isvara’s hands? We are anyway, whether we know it or not, regardless of how easy or difficult is our karma. When our life karma forces us to abandon all pretense to the contrary that the jiva is helpless, the frightened little Dutch boy in us can remove his finger from the dike at last. I love that expression, it so vividly and aptly describes how all jiva’s experience life, like if they don’t keep vigilant and keep doing, everything will get out of control, and life will swallow them up.
But the truth is that the dike of ignorance must be broken down to allow the floodwaters of knowledge to wash away the fearful clinging burdened jiva. What you have is the opportunity to do just that, facing Isvara and your mortality, as we must all do. And you are doing it as one who is wide awake and unafraid because you know that there is nothing to lose and nothing to gain.
I loved receiving your insights about your sadhana and writing. Well, it’s not a sadhana anymore really as you have nothing more to assimilate of the essential teachings, it’s just a honing of the knowledge. Like polishing a priceless art piece, except you are the art piece! It is a great practice for keeping the mind on the Self, one to be recommended to all inquirers.
Even though life is just life as you say, and we live in the world with householder duties, we are no less sannyasins in that sannyas is an internal orientation on the Self, regardless of our outer life or duties in the world. The ultimate renunciation, of course, is to renounce the renouncer. In which case what you do in life makes no difference whatsoever.
There is no need to take an oath, don the orange cloth, and head for the cave forsaking our lives and loved ones. How can it make any difference to the Self who is untouched by the life of the jiva? Renunciation is helpful if the one renouncing is renounced too, but if not the idea that total renunciation is required for moksa becomes an obstacle for many. It’s just another doing really, like any yoga. All the same, though Dayananda does not refer to the ultimate renunciation, I love his description of Sannyas, particularly his description of what it means to give up the clinging to objects, the pleasure, and pain:
“In Sanskrit a renunciate is called a sanyassi. There are four types of sannyasa based on the nature of renunciation, ranging from partial to total. The highest form of sannyasa is paramahamsa sannyasa, which is the renunciation of everything, and there are ‘lower-grade’ sannyasis who still have an interest in something worldly. Paramahamsa sannyasa is further subdivided into two types: vividisha sannyasa and vidvat sannyasa. Vividisha sannyasa is undertaken for scriptural study.
Vividisha means desiring to know. Vividisha sannyasa is a step toward vidvat sannyasa, in which a sannyasi is no longer interested in anything. He has attained the knowledge and does not hold onto anything, not even to the idea ‘I am a jnani.’ He does not even have pride in the knowledge. Thus, the aim of vividisha sannyasa is committed scriptural study and the aim of vidvat sannyasa is total renunciation. According to the Vedas, vividisha sannyasa is the ideal means and vidvat sannyasa is the ideal end in life. Why is this the case? If someone wants an empirical model for brahman, a sannyasiserves as such a model because brahman is free of all actions and duties.
He does not have family duties, social duties, religious duties, a duty to earn etc. Second, the Vedas say that brahman is free from all relations. Similarly, in taking sannyasa, the sannyasi breaks all relationships. Third, brahman is behind everything, supporting everything. Like brahman, the sannyasi supports the whole creation. He does not belong to anyone; he belongs to everyone. Nothing belongs to him; everything belongs to everyone. Fourth, brahman does not depend upon anything for security and neither does a sannyasi.
He does not have a bank balance, a house, etc. He finds security in himself. The beauty is that he gives security to others and the irony is that the other person to whom he gives security could be a very rich person while the sannyasi himself is a pauper. This vividisha sannyasa is the ideal means. Sannyasa is also the ideal end. In renunciation alone does one achieve mastery. A sannyasi gives up everything that will inevitably be snatched away in time or death.
The only unsnatchable entity is the Atma. The Vedantin’s approach is this: when something is snatched away from us, the sense of loss is intensified; when it is given up or given away by us, the pleasure is intensified. There was a lady who, while visiting the temple, lost a gold ornament. She thought somebody had stolen it. She became very upset and took an oath that if the ornament were to be found, she would offer it to the Lord. As it turned out, she found the ornament and offered it to the Lord, which made her very happy. When she had lost the ornament, she lost the benefit of wearing it and was very sad, but when she gave the ornament to the Lord, even as she lost the benefit of wearing it, she was very happy.
This example illustrates that both in loss and in giving we are without an object, but whereas in loss there is pain, in giving there is pleasure. So, we hand over to time before time takes away from us. This way, when things go—whether money, relationships, or our hair and teeth in old age—we do not feel any pain. A renunciate is not worried about losing anything, including his body. He knows that time is going to take everything away. He holds onto just one thing that time cannot take away: Atma. He can even challengedeath, because he knows that death cannot touch him. So, what is the ultimate renunciation? Giving up everything that can be lost or taken away and finding security in what cannot be snatched. This is called Paramahamsa sannyasa or vidvat sanyasa.”
