Dear Sundari, while I’m writing you this email we are still on our weekly satsang. You’re talking about the zero sum game, neutralizing likes and dislikes, and how Self-knowledge is the base for radical acceptance and trauma healing of Jiva.
While you’re talking about this important subject, in my mind pops what I’m passing through. As Jiva: I’ve been taking the slow decision to break an almost 20 years old relationship with my only partner in life. I have been thinking of this since last year because I realized that there is no more possibility for self-growing as partners. As someone that is looking to become free of bondages and apply the principles of Vedanta in my own life, is there any clue to know if I am doing the right thing? Since it’s a huge decision to take, with a lot of heavy consequences, I sincerely want to know your opinion on that subject.
Something that was said on the chat box just hit me: Let go and let God. I know you will be super busy these days since you have your Bali trip, but I’ll always be grateful for your responses, I wait for whatever you need.
I can’t stop feeling this is of minor importance, since it is a Mithya subject and clearly a zero sum game. But I really want to know my teacher’s opinion, and if you need me to elaborate more, please let me know.
Thank you so much.
Sundari: The zero sum of mithya applies to everything in mithya – as I know you are well aware. All relationships have their own dharma based on the two parties involved and the values that underpin their relationship contract. Ending a long term relationship is always difficult, especially when the reason for it is that you have outgrown it, or can no longer grow in it, even though as the Self, you are never in a relationship with anyone. All relationships are ‘in’ you.Â
Freedom from and for the jiva is about ending the bondage to the false idea that you are the doer and that you need any object to be whole and happy. Again, as you know. But this does not mean you should or should not be in a relationship. It’s about why you are there and/or why you want to leave it. If you are in a relationship because you are already happy, and know that it cannot give you anything you do not already have, you are in a good position to be in a relationship.
This does not mean that you should stay in a relationship in which you cannot be true to yourself as a jiva, and as the Self. The jiva is actually the Self, which is real, and it does not care either way. The Self cannot ‘grow’ and it cannot ‘shrink’ because it does not condition to anything. Though the jiva as a conceptual person is not real, it has a God given nature or svadharma, to which it needs to conform, if it wants to not have peace of mind. To follow dharma and be true to ourselves, honesty is our top value. Therefore, the dharma of ending a relationship may or may not concur with what the other party wants. But ultimately, we are not here to do the dharma of another, only our own.
It is a difficult choice to make to end a relationship when the person you want to separate your life from has been part of it for so long, especially if there is still love for them. There must be a lot of good with the bad, as in any relationship. However, whether or not you are an inquirer, but much more so if you are, to be true to another, you must first be true to yourself, both as a jiva and as the Self, in case you still see a separation between the two. The Self automatically follows dharma.
If you can no longer do this and stay in this relationship, it may be mithya, but the dharmic thing to do is to end it. It will not be honest or kind to you or to your partner to stay because this will be dishonest and going against your svadharma, and therefore, against dharma. For you as an inquirer, your first duty is to be true to your dharma and your sadhana as your main goal in life is to realize and live as the Self.
Even if you were not an inquirer, to stay when you can no longer be truly true, honest and present in a relationship would be adharmic. Karma yoga does not work when you are supposed to take appropriate action but avoid it in the ‘name of karma yoga’. Sometimes karma yoga means we must take action, but we do so in the karma yoga spirit. Meaning, you know you are not the doer, and you are not responsible for the results, whatever they are. You may have to ‘injure’ another to be true to yourself. In this way, yes indeed you need to let go and let God. But remember that God, or Isvara, is both dharma and adharma and it has no problem with whichever decision you make. You can never be any less the Self no matter what you do or do not do.
As moksa is for the jiva to have peace of mind and a wonderful life, you need to make the choice that supports dharma, if that is what you want. Nobody can advise you here. There will be consequences, upsides and downsides either way. The choice you make must be based on being honest about what is dharmic for you, and then taking the hard road to act on it, no matter the cost. Remember, the cost is not actually a cost for you, as the Self. But the cost of not acting when you are meant to is loss of peace of mind and possibly, an impediment to your sadhana. Only you will know what is true and dharmic for you.
I hope this helps
Much love
Sundari
