As inquirers, especially those of us who are Self-realized, the tendency to believe that we have seen and understood our childhood psychology sufficiently is common because by this stage, we are usually highly qualified and have done a lot of work on negating binding tendencies. Or, we may believe we don’t need to because the ‘inner child’ is ‘not real’ and it’s not ‘me’. It seems almost beneath us to ‘dig through the mind vomit’, or acknowledge the person. After all, our true nature is the Self, which is whole and complete, always good no matter what is or is not going on with and for the jiva.
Why bother, if you are the Self and the jiva is you? While that is the truth, it’s not quite so simple. The jiva is the Self, but the Self is not the jiva. It may not be real but it does exist. If there is a pattern in which the jiva identity blocks love flowing, even in seemingly minor ways, it will block access to Self-knowledge, and you will suffer. It will be very difficult to apply karma yoga, although you may fool yourself into thinking you are doing so. Karma yoga does not work when we are in denial of anything. Taking a stand in the Self may be our refuge, guna yoga and meditation will manage the mind, but permanent satisfaction will still elude us.
Depending on how much of the two approaches mentioned above is true, either way can amount to a spiritual bypass. A bypass is anything where the truth is ignored, unacknowledged or simply not seen at all. Denial in the form of tamas is operative. Which usually means that we do not know we are denying anything.
For me lately, the process of identifying the core of a deep childhood samskara had elements of both. I did not recognize (see again) the spiritual bypass because I thought I had understood and negated the program in light of Self-knowledge. And to a large extent, I had. That my true nature is the Self is inconvertible knowledge. I was perfectly satisfied, with almost no desires except those in harmony with dharma, and happy most of the time. But not entirely.
What I found still operative was the universal defended inner child, resistant to receiving love, and how that played out in my relationships. Instead of protecting the inner child, it created the appearance of exactly what she wanted protection from. I refer to her as her, but she is genderless and applies to everyone. The inner child is an archetype – an overarching type – that forms the adaptive child program in all of us. It is the armor we all put on as children to protect the child who must face its fate in this world and learn to adapt to life, with all its many challenges, however good or bad our karma.
If you think this does not apply to you, think again. Are you ever passive aggressive, withholding, suspicious, irritable, depressed, angry or anxious for no reason you can easily pinpoint? Do you have a pervasive feeling that nothing is ever quite right no matter how good things are, or that you are inauthentic? Do you sometimes feel hatred for others, especially those closest to you, or afraid of them but hide it because you know those feelings are unacceptable? Do you find yourself defending yourself because you feel attacked even when you aren’t ? Do you project friendship and intimacy onto certain people in an attempt to turn them into allies to support your unconscious denied pain? And through no fault of their own, they will let you down because they are not only unable to help but not meant to help you deceive yourself.
I have never met anybody for whom all or some of this does not apply to some extent. Perhaps the only exception is James, because he is the only fully Self-actualized person I know. But that does not mean he did not have an adaptive inner child. It comes with the territory of being human. He is just truly free of it.
If you ever feel like an imposter or a phony, but you muscle that feeling back down into the unconscious, or coat it with the veneer of psychology or Vedanta speak, you have an unacknowledged inner child in pain. I did this. Because I have Self-knowledge, I can easily negate the person by discriminating satya from mithya. But that does not make them go away. Lucky for me, Isvara sent me two good friends whom I didn’t know were friends. Wise and formidable ladies, Lisa Baxter and Susan Barlettani. In their specialized knowledge and infinite compassion, they saw the pain of the inner child and called me on my spiritual bypass. Lisa called it Vedanta ‘double speak’. When I first heard that, I thought – well, Lisa clearly does not understand that Self-knowledge is the dominant lens through which I view everything jiva related.
And so, even Self-knowledge can become a block to rendering the jiva program non-binding if denial is at play. As much as I knew the inner child program, she had not been fully acknowledged, heard, seen or claimed. For that part of our psyche to feel safe and to allow this deep pattern to dissolve in Self-knowledge and be released, this must happen first. As unreal as she/he may be, they will be holding us back from living fully, and will block access to Self-knowledge when triggered. Certainly this pattern will prevent us from actualizing Self-knowledge. Without this radical Self-acceptance, to live truly free of the jiva and free as the Self, to accept that our true nature is always auspicious and perfect, to live undefended as the undefendable Self – moksa – cannot obtain.
I finally saw the cost to peace of mind of this childhood wound. Isvara made it crystal clear in recent events in my life that finally broke down the egos protection mechanism of this pattern. And the ego does protect it ferociously. Yesterday, Isvara, in the form of Susan Barlettani, put how the child program works perfectly into words, when I thanked her for her teaching on Zoom last Sunday, which I found very moving because of the recognition that took place. If anyone would like to write to Susan, she is a professional psychologist who specializes in identifying the inner child and balancing the masculine and feminine. Her email address is: susanwbarlettani@gmail.com
Below is the satsang we had on this issue.
Susan: It’s always fascinating to watch and safeguard the process of visiting the inner child. Most of us think we are aware of her, but we don’t really know her except by the way she acts out in our primary relationship. She tells the truth. Actually she can only tell the truth and on some level we know that and so we are afraid of her and keep her out of consciousness. But she tells the truth anyway by acting out in our relationships. She will not tolerate our deception and she will not tolerate a spiritual bypass. She wants to be seen and loved and when we deny her, which seems to be somewhat of an unconscious process, she seeks to find love “outside” of herself. Why? Because the psychological birth of an infant/child is a process of extroversion and connection with the world outside. And so it goes on and on. She cries and we experience her pain as a free floating depression, anxiety or rage. She won’t be denied. At best we have a story about her and about our past which often changes as the egos concept itself changes. But the wounds to her don’t change until we make the visit and reclaim her. This is not an intellectual process. It is a vital and visceral process that doesn’t care what we think. The only requirement is all of your courage and all of your love.
Sundari: I experienced this play out recently, that deep part of the psyche that won’t be denied and has been silenced most of its life. It demands to be loved and heard. It won’t settle for less. As you said on Sunday, she wants to know that she will never be ignored, given away to someone else to be loved, or be silenced. So true that ‘she’ tells the truth, relatively speaking, and can only do so in the way the pattern plays out in our relationship. Isvara is merciful. But how much trouble comes her way if she is not acknowledged. I felt that connection and sadness emanate for her as you spoke on Sunday.
It was so interesting to hear her out and also observe her story as the Self, which is the only ultimate truth. It makes it possible to both accept her story without a bypass, and at the same time, see it dissolve as an object known to me, the Self, in light of the Love that has no story. This is the only way we can truly have a narrative upgrade. Anything less and that ‘virus’ in the system goes with the so-called ‘upgrade’. So tricky, the both and of duality/nonduality. But it is a path we all must walk if we want to live authentically, and certainly, if moksa is our aim.
Thank you for your wisdom and kindness, you have been a great help
Much love
Sundari
