Recently I had a lovely chat with my daughter about relationship mantras. Her best friend is getting married, and she is making up a special book with memories and pics from her friend’s childhood collected from people close to her. She wanted me to help her put into words some of the things I taught her over the years to share with her friend.
The thing with a mantra or any good saying is to have an impact it must not only be relatable but applicable to your life. It does not have legs if all it does is inspire or induce nice warm fuzzy feelings that are soon forgotten. These quotes below are all relationship mantras to live by, though they apply in general to life. Each one is capable of bringing about transformation if correctly applied. They are all based on my life experience and are distilled from the Yoga of Relationship and my next book on Lifestyles and the Gunas.
Relationship (or Life) Mantras
The basic rule of love is mutual respect. Without respect, love is not enough.
Manage your likes and dislikes. They should be flexible preferences, not commands set in stone. Satisfying all your desires does not equal happiness. Accommodation does.
Love is paying attention. You do not love what you do not pay attention to. Which includes really listening without waiting to speak.
It takes so little to show you care, and it means so much when you don’t.
Happiness is not possible without gratitude. It is easy to be grateful sitting at a banquet with the love of your life. Gratitude counts when it’s hard.
Practice goodwill. Neither you nor your partner is obligated to understand what the other is feeling. But be willing to be uncomfortable and see the situation from your partner’s viewpoint, to feel what they feel, to walk in their shoes. This is true compassion.
It takes two to tango and two to tangle. For my relationship to work I need to take responsibility for my contribution to the conflicts.
When conflict happens between two sincere people both are “right” as far as the analysis and resolution of the conflict are concerned because both have come to their points of view honestly.
Don’t avoid anger but don’t indulge it; conflict is not necessarily bad, fighting per se doesn’t cause problems, only lack of understanding and respect does. At least a good fight means you care. Sometimes it is necessary to assert yourself when important conflicts arise. But constant blaming and bickering means the relationship is already dead.
Tackle hard issues but apologize immediately for bad behaviour. Do not defend it!
Just say no to the immature part of your brain that wants to be right at all costs. It is NOT your friend.
Conflict is inevitable as no two people are the same. Life is transactional, the devil is in the details. Establish and commit to non-negotiable values you both agree to upfront, and regularly revise. This will be the compass that resolves conflict and helps you navigate life’s unequal challenges.
In times of intense conflict and disappointment, I need to find good reasons to love my mate and hang onto them as the truth, especially when my ego dislikes my partner the most. When the dust settles, which it always does, rational discussion based on mutual respect and values will resolve any important issues and allow love to resurface.
Problems arise when dedication to my needs is not as firm as my dedication to your needs, should they conflict, which they inevitably do. Do not be a martyr, you will serve no one least of all yourself. Take care of your needs before those of anyone else or you will be running on empty, blame your partner, and not be a happy person.
Nobody can process your emotions for you. Don’t burden your partner with them or expect your partner to resolve them for you. Nobody is in this world to make you happy because it’s not possible. Only you can only make you happy.
Do not project or own your projections if you do! Avoid the law of attribution, the tendency all of us has to interpret situations and to project/attribute what we think is going on to the person or persons involved. Do not assume that you know what your partner is thinking or feeling. Be humble enough to assume you could be wrong, which you probably are.
Be prepared to be vulnerable. Living and loving fully take courage. You will never lose. You cannot save your life by never risking it and you cannot be brave if you refuse to be vulnerable.
Bridge the perspective or empathy gap which arises when something challenging comes up and your first impulse is to jump to conclusions and attack. Do this by connecting first to your feelings and then connect your partner to them by describing simply and honestly what you are feeling, without theatrics or embellishment. Get real.
As much as possible do not hurt each other’s feelings. Compassion and empathy are vital, but so is enshrining reason over emotionality. When emotions rule, discrimination and rationality flee. Hurt on both sides is inevitable.
Honour your feelings but remember that what you ‘feel’ ‘in’ the moment is only momentarily and subjectively ‘true’ ‘in’ the moment. Feelings are not ‘the’ truth because your feelings are always changing. They are not who you are. Who you are has nothing to do with your feelings because it doesn’t change. The truth of any transactional situation is always complex, layered, and never one-sided. Resorting to emotional abuse erodes trust and creates resistance.
Happiness boils down to emotion management and impulse control. Count to a hundred before knee-jerk responses in emotionally heated situations.
Value non-injury in thought word and deed above all else.
Do not give advice unless it is asked of you, and even then, assess if it is necessary or helpful.
Practice speech kindness! Ban all violent words such as always, should, never, etc. Honesty without compassion is hostility. Share your true feelings when it is productive for both of you to do so and when the pot is ‘off the boil’!
Practice the fivefold Emotional Intelligence Checklist before dispensing advice or saying something that will be difficult for your partner to hear:
Does this need to be said?
Does this need to be said NOW?
Does this need to be said by ME?
Will I regret saying this/not saying this later?
Is this statement kind, how will it be taken?
Hanging on to grievances is a waste of energy. Forego the moral high ground, it’s a lonely place. We all make mistakes, nobody is perfect. Decide, and stick to it: “Would I rather be right or happy?” Forgiveness strengthens relationships, grievances destroy. As does the need to always be right.
Ban blame because it destroys objectivity, exacerbates conflicts, and produces nothing useful.
You don’t need to be a saint, only sane. Everyone is flawed. So What? Sanity is not about perfection but the freedom and confidence to be fully human.
Never normalize abuse in any form, however mild.
Love is as love does. This is the fine print.
It is impossible to love or be loved if I refuse to love myself. I need to discover the things I love about myself, or I will get stuck in the belief that I need to be fixed before I can love or be loved, which will never happen. I will lose confidence, start picking on my partner and blame them for my misery. A certain recipe for relationship death.
The heart that gives love gathers it in spades.
Never withhold love! There are no good reasons not to love. It is the simplest thing. To ignore or resist love’s dictates is a straight path to self-punishment and unhappiness. Never allow hard parts to form in your heart, root them out! They are death to the soul and to love.
Love is its own reward. If you are going to love, do it well, give 100% and reap the benefits. Serve your partner with all your heart.
True love has one primary aim and great joy and that is to always contribute to the well-being of the beloved. It wants to add water to the river of love, not take from it more than it returns to it.
Love does not confer the right to advise, fix, criticize, change, or control your partner because you “care.” Respect differences.
Life happens in the details. Grand gestures are lovely, but it’s the small daily things that count in the end.
Love
Sundari
