Dear Sundari,
I hope that all is well with you and James. Remember me? I’m the guy with the Ayahuasca experience. We had an insightful email exchange on that.
Since that experience, I’ve exposed myself continuously to the teachings. Right now, I’m reading Rory’s interpretation of the Gita. Wonderful.
I don’t feel that burning desire for enlightenment though, it’s more of a permanent thirst for knowledge and wisdom that keeps me reading and learning. Is it possible that I’m not suffering enough? I feel rarely anxiety, anger or excitement.
My emotional life is more or less unspectacular, sometimes I even believe I suffer from a schizoid disorder. But I’m far away from suffering- on the contrary- I live a disciplined life with good habits and routines, daily exercise, a healthy diet, and a harmonious relationship. To make it short: I enjoy my life and myself pretty much.
But still, my goal is moksha. I try to attain it with steadiness in my sadhana. What can I do to ignite the fire of Mumushukva?
Much love and thank you so much for your invaluable service!
Sundari: Good to hear from you again. You really do not have a problem if you are happy and perfectly satisfied! If you have the ability to discriminate between satya and mithya 24/7, are not identified with the doer, apply karma yoga naturally, and experience a constant and unfluctuating satisfaction, this is defined as moksa. It sounds like you have lifestyle discipline and live a dharmic happy life, these are all prerequisites for self-inquiry. It is not that uncommon that people who come to Vedanta are already happy in the way you describe. Vedanta is for mature people who have developed enough of the qualifications for self-inquiry. This was true for me, I was not looking for anything, I knew the joy was not in objects and had already figured out Isvara and the gunas, though I did not call them that at that time. What was missing was something I did not know was missing, and it was the most important bit, which was the identification with the doer. For that, you absolutely need a teacher and to be properly taught. To find Vedanta and a qualified teacher requires grace and grace is earned.
As you must know, ‘enlightened’ is not an object to be obtained. It takes place through the removal of ignorance by Self-knowledge alone, and not by any doing. It sounds like you are aware of this, though you feel that your desire for moksa is not strong enough and would like to do something about that. The only thing to do is to keep up the steadfast commitment to your sadhana and trust Isvara to do the rest. Here is a beautiful prayer from Dayanandas’ Bhagavad Gita that you can use in conjunction with karma yoga:
“Surrender to me alone with your whole heart. By my grace, you will gain absolute peace, the eternal abode. Being one whose mind is offered to me, one whose devotion is to me, one whose worship is to me; do salutations to me. You will reach me alone. I truly promise you. (Because) you are dear to me.”
Even though you are happy, for most people who have realized the Self but not actualized it, this perfect satisfaction comes and goes, which is why the last stage of self-inquiry, nididhysana, can take quite a while. The last stage is not so much a stage as a combination of all three stages, srvanna (hearing the scriptures) manana (contemplation), and nididhysana (negating remaining emotional/mental conditioning).
Swami Paramarthananda, calls nididyasana ‘requalifying.’ You never know when, during the manana phase, firm Self-knowledge will take place and you never know how long nididyasana will take. In fact, if Self-knowledge makes you a perfect spontaneous karma yogi, it doesn’t matter because time doesn’t exist for you. At no stage are you not the Self. But if you don’t experience perfect jiva satisfaction when Self-knowledge is unshakable, then you need to remain humble and keep up the practices that qualified you for understanding as they will eventually remove the obstacles to limitless bliss.
It sounds like this is not a problem for you, you are clearly dedicated to the teachings. It is sad that we have such a strange idea of what ‘normal’ is in mithya that we consider the lack of emotional fluctuations abnormal! It happens quite regularly that people mistakenly believe they have disassociation, or other mental disorder when what has happened is that Self-knowledge, nondual vision, has replaced the typical samsaric dualistic perspective.
Non-dual vision is simply the return to what is normal. It reverses the reversal that Maya imposes on the mind so that you can see things clearly, from the viewpoint of the Self, first and foremost. If you are doing just that, then acknowledge that when you feel untouched by life’s typical triggers and challenges you are the Self. You cannot be the jiva and the Self in a nondual reality, so being rooted in Self-knowledge means you do not identify with the jiva (the doer) or its story, you simply observe it dispassionately. And remember, freedom means that the jiva (doer) is as good as non-existent.
This does not mean that you never act or do not allow the jiva’s full humanity to express, you just don’t get caught up in it as real because the jiva is always changing and impermanent. You know that you, the non-experiencing witness, the one who is always present and unchanging, i.e., is that which is real. And this is automatic and spontaneous knowledge/discrimination in action.
Keep up your sadhana, read some scripture every day, maintain a simple devotional practice and trust the teachings to guide every aspect of your life. Enjoy the bliss of the Self!
Feel free to write anytime
Much love
Sundari
