Samuel: I’ve been studying Swami D’s commentary on the Gita and finding it tremendously helpful. A few hours ago I read a paragraph that really struck a chord with me. I would love to listen to you expand on it since it’s probably the biggest problem I’ve been experiencing for the last 3 years. I feel that fully assimilating this knowledge would free me from lots of insecurity, fear, and self-disapproval. I’m speaking as jiva, of course.
I’ve included the previous paragraph for context, but the idea that resonated with me the most is the inner split between an ideal-I and an actual-I:
“If you think that you are different from Isvara, you will think that you are different from the world and from everyone else in the world. And in this world of duality, you are an insecure person; therefore, the fear of danger from another source will always be there because the other will always be there. Fear comes from duality only. Any fear means that duality is there because you recognise the source of fear as something other than yourself.
You can even be afraid of yourself if you have created a split in yourself. There is an ‘ideal I’ and an ‘actual I’ and the ‘actual I’ is always frightening to the ‘ideal I.’ This is also the reason why you are afraid of an insane person, provided you are sane, of course! Similarly, you may find that you are afraid of a person who is sad”.
Sundari: First thing to ask: Who does the ‘you’ refer to? As the Self, you are not the same but not different from the jiva/Isvara/ the world. In which way? The jiva/Isvara/world are different because they known to you, they are always changing and not always present. And they are the same as you because your true identity is the nondual Self, which means everything depends on you but you depend on nothing because you are the only factor that is ever-present and unchanging. Remember: Satya/nonduality, that which is real, and duality/mithya, that which is only apparently real, do not exist in the same order of reality and never meet. But they are also not in opposition to each other.
The identification with the body/mind (conceptual jiva) and the inability to discriminate (or even be aware of) the difference between duality and nonduality is where all existential suffering comes from, and where all the teaching of Vedanta takes place for all inquirers.
When the small self is idealized, it is rooted in duality, therefore fear will be ever present because in duality, there is no perfection. It will fear imperfection, insanity and sadness, among many things. Such an ego will therefore fear the ‘actual’ Self because it clings to its own impossible existence, even if it means continuing to suffer. Thus, if the subject/object split is operative, you will be afraid of ‘your Self’ because even THE Self is thought to be an object to obtain, and to lose.
Samuel: There can be no fear if there is only one vastu. A second thing is necessary for fear to occur. Therefore, the one who has no duality is not only free from rāga-doesa, but is also free from fear”.
Sundari: Yes. If the vastu is known to be Atman, then there is nothing other than you. Freedom from fear is only ever possible when Self-knowledge removes ignorance of your true nature as the unborn, ever present, ever whole, unchanging or changeable Self.
Samuel: When he says that ‘the actual-I is always frightening to the ideal-I’, does this mean that the latter feels a dislike for the first? Are “fear” and “dislike” synonyms here?
Sundari: See above. Fear and dislike are brothers of the same mother, the offspring of ignorance only.
Samuel: Before, I would have thought that the actual-I was frightened of the ideal-I, since it would feel inferior in “its presence”. But now I can clearly recognize the split and the deep dislike (even hatred) the ideal-I feels towards the actual-I.
Sundari: Again, who does the ‘I’ refer to? The nondual ‘I ‘ knows only itself, so hatred is impossible. But the ego, the small ‘I’ that seeks to be ideal, hates the idea of negation as the way to freedom, why would it not? There is nothing to gain for it, only its own demise. Therefore, the idea of destroying the personal identity is anathema to the ego.
Samuel: Does he mean “frightening” in the sense that the ideal-I doesn’t want others to find out about actual-I? I don’t fully understand the examples the Swami uses to illustrate his point (the insane person and the sad one).
Sundari: The insane and the sad person are proof to the ego that the ideal self is unobtainable, and both insanity and sadness could happen to it. It’s the ultimate negative ego fantasy. You are trapped in a satya-mithya confusion again. Ask yourself from what perspective ae the question and the examples, being presented?
Samuel: I know all of this is ultimately mithya stuff, but it’s still in the way of knowledge and produces lots of pain and shame in me. Like we’ve talked before, I’ve often felt guilty when even thinking about teaching meditation. Living with this ideal-I in mind (“Me the spiritual person”) makes life very painful and frustrating and I’m tired of this.
Sundari: And as I said to you, if you are practicing karma yoga when you teach meditation then you are not teaching meditation. Isvara is. So why the guilt? Guilt is there because you are identified with Samuel, the imperfect, unideal one, who longs to be ideal but never can and never will be. The one who is convinced of his unworthiness. The doer.
Freedom is the ability to discriminate between satya and mithya and to always take your identity as Sat. The teachings of Vedanta can be confusing because to teach us how to think from a nondual perspective requires teaching from both the dualistic and nondualist perspective. To destroy the notion of duality, Vedanta provisionally accepts duality. If the inquirer is sufficiently qualified, motivated and properly taught, eventually Self-knowledge scours away the duality.
It takes time though because deeply rooted beliefs in our inadequacy are very hard to negate. Vedanta does not give us a new identity as the Self, but in removing ignorance reveals the Self as our ONLY true identity. The ego is no longer a problem when it is understood to be an object known to you, one that can never be perfected for the simple reason that it is not real.
Samuel: This split-samskara is very much alive but I’m determined to recognize it clearly as pure ignorance. Thank you very much in advance.
Sundari: Freedom means freedom from identification with the ego/doer/conceptual small self – the one that would like so very much to be ‘ideal’. The Self has no such need because it is all there is. Be patient, it takes as long as it take to train the mind to think from a nondual perspective. Maya does not give up easily and the hypnosis of duality is highly convincing.
Just keep reminding yourself to press pause whenever you use the word ‘you’ ‘me’ or ‘I’ and ask yourself who is talking here? You cannot be the jiva/ego and the Self, so which one are you? You are the one that does not need to be idealized, that is who you are. You are fine the way you are.
Samuel: I guess unworthiness will dissipate at its own pace. I’ll just stick to my sadhana and inquiry and keep praying.
Sundari: Unworthiness is the scourge of duality, one that affects almost everyone to some extent. If there is such a thing as ‘original’ sin, that is it – the inborn fear of inadequacy, lack, loss etc. That we are flawed. Such poppycock, but there you go. Maya is a great trickster!
Only Self-knowledge can remove it, so stick with your inquiry. It is the only trustworthy protection and freedom from Maya.
Much love
Sundari
