Sandra: What is true freedom, is it a result of the choices I make in this lifetime? For instance, though I come from a happy background, I do not choose to marry or have children. This is not because I do not want to be a mother or a wife, but because I have seen the enormous sacrifices having a child or a partner entail. I am lazy, I have a simple, easy life without much stress, and I like it that way. I often feel guilty about this choice and my family does not understand it. But I prefer to have the freedom to do as I please without having to consider anyone else’s needs.
Sundari: Marriage and parenthood or the absence of either have nothing to do with true freedom or the lack of it. Many people are not cut out for marriage or parenthood, and it is a sad fact that society places such importance on these factors to qualify as a supposedly happy and functioning (as in conforming) member of society. The fantasy of the idealized marriage/family as the answer to all needs is so often disastrous for all concerned.
So much misery and unhappiness result when we place absurd expectations on an outside party to provide us with wholeness and happiness. And although the upside of having a partner or a child is the reward of giving and receiving love and intimacy, the downside is the sacrificing of personal space, time, resources, and energy.
There is nothing wrong with choosing a life that is not focused on anybody else, to live free of expectations and to be sovereign unto yourself, to do as you please. It is undoubtedly true that having a relationship with anyone, especially as a parent of a child comes with particular dharma and responsibility. As a partner or parent, you need to take another person’s needs, likes, and dislikes into account, often at the expense of your own.
As a parent, you have the responsibility of taking care of the needs of your child until they are old enough to look after themselves, a good two decades or more. Not to mention that raising a child to be a balanced human being can be enormously challenging and requires many sacrifices. Not everyone is up to the task. I know many people who desperately wanted marriage and children who definitely would be better off without either.
That said, freedom from all responsibility is not freedom. What is overlooked by people who shun marriage and children for the reason you do is that life satisfaction is not about escaping all responsibility. While that may work while you are younger, in the long run, it is in sacrifice and endurance of hardship that satisfaction develops. Happiness comes from growth, and growth requires sacrifice.
You cannot improve your life by hoarding it, by never giving it away; there is a price to everything in life and self-indulgence offers no exemption. This does not mean that everyone is suited to marry or have children, though those two things can bring enormous growth, even if they do not necessarily result in happiness or freedom.
True freedom is freedom from our binding likes and dislikes, freedom from dependence on anyone or anything for our happiness. A free and independent life may or may not have dependents and the attendant responsibilities that come with roles such as wife/husband or parent. But those roles are not who you are, they are only relevant to the jiva.
An independent life is one where you take care of your jiva dharma happily (whatever it is) because freedom and happiness are already assured as you are the source of both as the Self. You may have many responsibilities as a parent or spouse but as the Self, you are not identified by any role, nor beholden to or depend on anybody for anything. As the Self you are free of the jiva, and the jiva is free to be anything it wants to be.
As the jiva, much of our happiness and satisfaction in life depends on the reasons we make the choices we make. People confuse freedom with no responsibilities, an escape from conforming to the rat race, and the insanity of social and cultural expectations. While there is undeniably value in refusing to allow others to determine our values, worth, or obligations, running from sacrifice ends up being just as much of a prison as conforming to outside pressure.
A life without sacrifice is a life without growth, and such a life is empty and ultimately, boring. Some of the emptiest and most narcissistic people I know are those who pride themselves on never having succumbed to societal pressure to ‘settle down’. Whatever that means. What is hidden from these people is the fear that underpins the fact that they have never faced their inability to truly give and receive love.
True freedom is not freedom from anything other than the bondage of dependence on anything outside of you for validation and happiness. But life is a complicated dance, it is a process of give and take. Though you are not the jiva, to live a fulfilling interesting life we need to reach out to life, to risk giving of ourselves, to make a contribution to the whole, in some way.
There are so many ways to get damaged, lost, and broken in this world. It is understandable that people who come from very unhappy and toxic families reject repeating the patterns. It is wiser to do so in such cases. But though we can build defenses to fortress and protect ourselves from hurt or discomfort, by shutting others out in solipsistic cynical little worlds, the price we pay for such small self-absorption is that we end up miserable.
There is no escaping the fact to be known to ourselves we must develop empathy. To do so we need to care for something other than our own protection, which requires us to be open to the thoughts and feelings of others, a risky business. But without empathy, our shriveled inner world is barren, our desires and needs buried but stronger, and we break far more easily.
There is no right or wrong answer to the choices we make in life, only consequences. Everyone has their unique svadharma to follow. It is up to us to make choices based on what is true for us, and nobody can tell us what that is. Only you will know if you are trying to save your life by never risking it, or whether your choice is correct for you. There are many ways to give of yourself and contribute to life. Certainly, marriage and children are not the only way. Find your way to give back.
Much love
Sundari
