Hi Sundari,
Hope you are well. I had a family situation recently & it brought up I suppose some unfinished business, i.e., unforgiveness of myself. I know I cannot forgive myself on the jiva level, so I turn it over to Ishwara & ask for help etc. I know I’m carrying a load of guilt because I feel I should have known better etc.
How can I forgive myself & be free? I know I’m not using Vedanta language here but it’s the best way for me to express the situation. I know you have addressed this type of situation but cannot find it on the website. I am happy to have a session with you if you are free sometime. If not, maybe you could point me to a satsang which addresses this or a similar issue.
Sundari: Though you say something has recently transpired that brought up the issue of non-forgiveness, it seems to be something you have carried for a long time. Like most people, you have scars from the past that have not healed and have become what Vedanta calls pratibandikas—deeply engrained samskaras resistant to forgiveness and thus, to Self-knowledge.
You say you cannot forgive yourself on the jiva level and that is true because the jiva is the Self. The Self certainly does not need forgiveness. The conceptual jiva is an object known to you, an imperfect construct or idea born of ignorance. That jiva definitely needs forgiveness. Forgiveness of yourself as a jiva, or anyone else (there is no one else) comes with compassion for the jiva. Remember that people are the way they are for reasons they do not necessarily understand or know how to change unless they have the good karma to become true inquirers.
Nobody is really doing anything. Under the spell of ignorance (duality), people do awful things to themselves and others that cause untold suffering. But if people under the spell of ignorance could be different, they would be. They are trapped by their conditioning, by ignorance, and can only operate from their lack of Self-knowledge.
Whatever you did that caused harm to others or to you is in the past. You cannot change it. You did not know better, or you would have made a better choice. All jivas live with regrets because all jivas are flawed and most live with shame as a result. If the shame monster rises, the first step towards freedom is to see the program for what it is, where it originates from (beginningless ignorance/the gunas/Maya). It does not come from ‘you’ or ‘your’ past. Everyone is a product of their karma and vasanas, until and unless Self-knowledge obtains. There is no blame.
Shame about anything and its handmaiden, guilt, is tamas at its worst. There are many reasons why people feel ashamed and all of them are destructive to peace of mind originating from and building on the lie that we are ‘flawed’ and unworthy. I am pretty sure you must have had a Catholic upbringing, which more than most religions, uses guilt to great effect. But even if we were never indoctrinated by religion, shame seems to be part of the human condition. It causes an ugly, dark, and thoroughly negative psychological condition attaching itself like a parasite to everything good about life or about who we think we are. Shame is the voice of the inner judge, of self-diminishment.
It becomes the filter through which we experience life. It whispers constantly in our ear with the sucking us dry of confidence, of trust in ourselves and life, of goodness, of joy. Though shame is always a lie no matter what caused it, when it is the root cause of a samskara it is very difficult to eradicate by transforming it into devotion for the Self. But it can be done when we have the courage to face it and so allow Self-knowledge to expunge it.
Self-knowledge will not work until we see it and love ourselves anyway. Practice mind-management and karma yoga on this negative thought pattern every time it arises. Hand it over to Isvara to whom it belongs. Do not tolerate it, not for a moment, pounce on the internal critic and silence it with the opposite thought. Just applying the knowledge, one thought at a time. Live the life of an ant, one day at a time. Today is the only day we ever live, so live it without holding onto the past with regret or desire for the ‘future’. There is no past and no future. Just a string of todays. You will only ever be as happy as you are willing to be today.
Taking responsibility for your actions and forgiving yourself requires the ability to respond appropriately to what Isvara has presented to you. While we are not to blame because we are not the doer, ignorance is the doer, we are responsible for our impact on those around us. This is a lawful universe that operates on natural laws. If you made a mistake and broke dharma, make amends. If you cannot do so for reasons not in your control, see what happened in the light of the scripture and consecrate the bad feelings on the altar of karma yoga. Isvara cannot forgive you because Isvara sees you as perfect, as the Self. So, it is up to you.
I have attached a beautiful satsang that James wrote recently, called I Am an Ant. It is so simple; put the advice into practice. Dare to love Sarah as she is, imperfect, as are all jivas. Though moksa is not about perfecting the jiva because it belongs to Isvara and is not real, nonetheless, it is unpleasant to live with a tamasic mind tormented by shame and regret. Make small changes if you can but know that it really is Ok to like yourself as you are, flaws and all. As the Self, you are perfect.
Much love
Sundari
