Q: Is there anything I can do to see or feel existence? I know I am existence shining as awareness, but I am frustrated because I am always experiencing separation and duality. Also, I am not sleeping well because of the constant stress around me. Is there anything you can recommend for me to do?
A: I feel for you. It is difficult to imagine what it is like to be under the unrelenting threat of physical harm. That environment is not conducive to a sattvic mind, but existence shining as awareness is whole and complete whether the mind is peaceful or disturbed. That means whatever happens, you are just fine. Even your disturbed mind, worn out from fitful sleep and non-stop agitation, is fine as it is. I am not suggesting that you should find the experience pleasant, that is a spiritual myth. It only means that you are unchanged by whatever you experience. This may seem like cold comfort to a suffering Jiva, but to you (awareness) it is the warm crackling fire of truth.
There is nothing you can do to see or feel existence, because all experience is you. As long as you are experiencing, you are never feeling anything other than existence in the form of experience. The separation you feel, and the frustration, are bound together in a closed loop comprised of the unavoidable circumstances you find yourself in and the idea that the unwanted experience affects you. You can’t change the circumstances present at the moment, they will change on their own in due time, but even if you did the fear would scurry back into hiding awaiting the next unwanted circumstance.
Knowledge, which you have expressed clearly, is that you are existence shining as awareness, but the value of knowledge for you lies in taking a stand in awareness. The effort of continually shifting attention to knowledge no matter the circumstances is what taking a stand in awareness looks like. You have to fight for it. The frustration you feel is energy, and you can make good use of it to power the sword of discrimination. As you do so, that frustration gradually transforms into confidence in your own understanding. All the energy that was previously bound up in fear driven ideas is released and available to you once again. This is discrimination in action.
Q: It is just so hard in these circumstances. When I try to apply the knowledge, my mind says “you’re just hypnotizing yourself” or “who are you to make such claims?” Sometimes the feelings are so strong that I worry I will lose the knowledge I have gained since I found Vedanta.
A: If you gained something then you could lose it, that is true. But you did not gain anything, really. You noticed something, when it was pointed out, that was there all along. The difference is everything. Vedanta is knowledge, self knowledge. As such, it is impervious to loss or destruction because it is knowledge of something that was never born and does not change. If that something was not you, you could forget it, but it is you. What you can lose, albeit temporarily, is your peace of mind, perhaps more easily than before you found Vedanta. When that happens, see it as a great blessing because it is owing to the presence of conscience. The same conscience that stops you from harming others or wracks you with guilt when you do, cares for you equally. It will not allow you to rest comfortably in ignorance. Suffering becomes a gift.
Q: Ok I get it, that helps. The worry is less already when you say that, but I know it will come back. Is there anything I can do about that?
A: Yes, keep using that sword. Take a stand in awareness, and with time it will become natural to view experience neutrally. And, keep the karma yoga attitude of gratitude in mind always, every day. Experience is a freely given gift of Isvara, over which I have no control. Why worry? From that viewpoint, it is OK if worry comes and it is OK if it goes. You are always OK, so what’s the difference? Notice where you are in this scenario. You are worried about forgetting when your attention is driven outward by fear towards the objects in your mind, specifically the thought, “what if I forget this?” You are the knower of the fear thought, which will pass soon enough, so what to do?
Shift your attention to your ever present self and allow yourself to relax. That is taking a stand in awareness. Do yourself a favor and make the distinction between yourself and objects once and for all. Settle that with yourself, and recognize what it actually means: you are unaffected by anything that ever happens. In a very real way, that is the only knowledge you require, because the implied meaning is “I am” which is not subject to remembering and forgetting. “I am” never began. Prior to Vedanta, the intellect does not appreciate that “I am” is me, owing to the conviction that something is lacking. That ignorance never interfered with “I am.” Think of any experience in your memory, and you will notice the unmistakable presence of “I am” shining brightly. Ignorance was never a problem for you. Once you know that “I am” is you, and that no object ever was, it is game over for seeking and game on for guna management.
Q: Wow that is awesome. There is no problem then, even when I’m struggling. I think the idea that I can lose the knowledge actually came from my “failures” with other spiritual teachers and teachings. I got used to failing! They sound like they are speaking about the same thing but somehow they leave out the importance of “I am.”
A: Yes. Most teachers and teachings do make a big deal about the “I am,” but “I am” is merely an experience to them. They cannot admit that because they do not recognize it. Their knowledge is not actually self knowledge but dualistic experiential knowledge. It looks like self knowledge because “I am” is taken to be knowledge, but it is not. “I am” is beyond knowledge and experience. It is you, as you are. This is a very subtle point, and unless it is understood, there is no freedom from experience.
Discovering “I am” does solve half the problem, which is better than nothing, but it does not address or incompletely addresses the other half: the world. The world, which is another word for experience, implies the presence of Jiva (and in turn, Isvara) to which fear and desire exclusively belong. When the world is not accounted for, Jiva is left out in the cold to fend for itself without any tools to do so. To be sure, isolating “I am” as myself is an essential start, but that is only the beginning of the process.
We all do what we can to feel OK in the world, and managing the energies of life is how we do it. Clinging to the experience of “I am” without knowledge is an inherently fear driven approach, disguised as a spiritual identity. It perpetuates a dualistic relationship to life by reinforcing the illusion of separation. Vedanta is a toolbox of thoughts that demonstrate non-dual thinking from the point of view of fullness. The fun begins when guna management shifts from being a means of coping with life or getting what I want, which are the only options available from a mindset of lack, to self expression.
The aphorism “someone who enjoys their work never works a day in their life” comes to mind here. The “work” of a student of Vedanta is joyful because not only has the goal already been “achieved”, but duality – including the sublime and the mundane, the pleasurable and the painful – itself has resolved into “me.” There really is no need anymore to distinguish between the real and the unreal, Jiva and Isvara, or any pair of opposites. I am both and neither because “I am.”
If these words are inspiring it is because they ring true. If they ring true it is because they are yours. They contain no practical implications for the self, because as self you are beyond implications. However, they benefit Jiva immeasurably by relieving it of the burden of acting for results. There really is only one result we desire, and that is the removal of desire and fear. The result of that is a contented life, ease of being, and the end of second-guessing myself. Is everything going to work out? Will I be OK? Take a stand in awareness no matter what and that question will never arise again.
