Mary: I thought I would share some recent thoughts with you regarding desires and aversions. An argument with John over a very insignificant matter (what time to meet a group of friends for lunch) revealed a tendency with which I am all too familiar but had never shone the direct light of self-inquiry on. This time an alarm bell went off in me so I investigated. The situation was that I preferred to cut short my workout to accommodate a lunch plan that had not even been fixed. I imagined that if I requested a late start that it would upset my friends. This infuriated John who stated that I insist on accommodating others needs at the expense of my own wellbeing. Rather than retaliating by calling him out as more selfish which I have done before, I had to ask myself -what is the origin of this tendency in me?
I found that underlying it is a strong desire – to avoid upsetting people; to avoid rocking the boat. I would rather suffer discomfort myself than “cause trouble” to others. I can hear my grandmother’s scolding voice , calling me “a little trouble maker.” So I adapted and rather than insisting on my own needs/desires I would accommodate myself to others’ stronger needs (as I perceived them). Underlying this was, of course, a deep fear of punishment, rejection and loss of love. My grandmother was a very demanding woman whose needs were prioritized in our household. If her needs were not met she threw an unholy fit and so my parents who were kind but weaker, gave in to her and hence I adopted similar coping mechanisms (samskaras)
This is an insidious tamasic shadow that has been underlying for most of my life, under the guise of me seeing myself as a more selfless person because I could renounce my needs better than others. This is the dark hard knot inside that leads to a feeling of spiritual superiority. “I” am a better renouncer than you!
Although a tendency like this is very understandable in the realm of psychotherapy for the ahamkara, once Self-knowledge is realized it is seen as an obstacle to freedom because it obscures the pure love of my own true nature. It casts a shadow over joy, and seeing that effect inspires the change of behavior that is required for perfect, consistent peace of mind. This samskara was necessary for the jiva but is definitely not wanted by the jivamukta. It asks to be surrendered into the fire of purification. Now that this samskara has been revealed, it is uncomfortable but also wonderful to be learning to live without it.
With love and gratitude,
Sundari: This is a beautiful account of how the “Durodyhana Factor’, that hard unrelenting part in the psyche we all have, can manifest in seemingly benign ‘soft’ ways. And seeming is the right word, because those ‘got to be nice at all costs’ samskaras are as damaging as any other.. As obvious as they usually are to others, these tendencies can be very hard to see ourselves. And boy do they keep us stuck in unhealthy patterns that scream low self-esteem, which often poses as morally superior. John Baxter was dead right that we need the courage to be disliked, to not give others what they want.
Being free of the jiva persona does not mean we do not take its needs into account – quite the opposite. Love is paying attention, and it is in the small ways that this counts most, to ‘others’ and yourself. I always say that it takes so little to show you care and it means so much when you don’t. But we must take our needs into account first and foremost, because if we don’t, we cannot really pay true attention to anyone else. Love starts ‘at home’, meaning, with you.
I had a similar problem in that I had to help my mother cope with taking care of a very big family, we all did. It is hard for me not to put others’ needs first, but I have learned not to when it is appropriate and necessary. Discrimination is always key – even though being kind and unselfish is part of my/your nature. Being a doormat is not part of the deal. It really is ok to show some teeth and some backbone and say no to Isvara when the situation requires it.
I am so happy for you that you got to see this unhealthy pattern and bust it – good for you!
With much love
Sundari
