Diana: I wrote to Ramji last week as something had come to light for me that had been there in the shadows for a while, stealing my joy and peace of mind, much like you expressed in your Duryodhana Satsang that you posted a few months back. I copied you to the email so you may have seen what I wrote. Anyway, it all began to reveal itself after you and I were exchanging emails back in July when you were still in Bali. You had responded to a situation that caused an emotional reaction and you wrote to me with your understanding of what unfolded.
You went on to inquire more until you uncovered what you described as your Duryodhana factor- and you wrote about it very vulnerably to everyone, including me. That was when I knew something was lurking for me – my own Duryodhana factor in the form of a weak and cowardly little demon. But it has taken me a while to uncover what that was about. I actually wrote to you back then, but the email sat in my drafts, and I couldn’t send it. I hadn’t got to the bottom of the avidya. For a couple of months, I went along knowing something was not right – I did not have peace of mind – but it wasn’t clear why.
The final trigger was reading Ramji’s satsang entitled The Role Model. I saw that it was fear of completely standing in my true identity as the Self and absolutely trusting in Isvara, unconditionally. I was hiding, lying to myself and it played out as dishonesty and cowardice which denied me the peace of mind that only comes with an absolute renunciation of all identification with a jiva with a story.
This is what you wrote to me: “Of course, one must be compassionate about the poor troublesome beleaguered jiva, but it can be a bit dangerous to be too compassionate! What I realized is that it is actually as important to have a healthy and humorous contempt for it! Yet I also realized how sensitive the ego is, and how important it is not to take a sledgehammer to it, mine or anyone else’s, even if the ego is not real. Ruthless honesty is never required. Gentleness works every time. This is why you inspire me.”
When I read that, I was SO uncomfortable because somewhere I knew that what you perceived as gentleness and humility in me was partly an adharmic taint that was rooted in fear. Like Arjuna refusing to stand up and fight. This jiva is gentle by nature but must also be willing to take up a sledgehammer if that is what Isvara requires! There is a fear of doing so, of taking that stand. It is easier to be kind and humble and let things pass. But this is not always the dharmic thing to do.
So, thank you, dear Sundari for your example which always inspires me. I only desire to serve Isvara in whatever form that might take. I have no desire to be a spiritual teacher and in terms of Vedanta, there is so much to know from the scriptures in order to teach well. I have only the deepest respect for you and Ramji who have so much to respond to in your work every day. However, in whatever days I have remaining to me I want to give back in whatever way Isvara requires. Ramji’s satsang highlighted a remaining “doer notion” who thinks they have to do something to, what ? – justify my existence by being a good person? Make amends for past mistakes??
That idea contains within it a fear that if I am true to mySelf I will make a mistake, hurt somebody, alienate somebody – succumb to enlightenment sickness again. Therefore, I have been afraid to stand as the Self IN THE WORLD, even though I know who I am, and therefore I am not actually fully available for Isvara, as Isvara – it is conditional. Even writing about it scares the bejesus out of me which is why I had to say something to you. Phew. That sense of ‘not-enoughness’ is an adharmic part of myself that must be completely negated. That is the only way I can protect the dharma which is the only thing left to “do”.
Sundari: Rare indeed is the person who does not go through this turmoil as they face their inner ‘demons’. Do not be distressed because even the most qualified inquirer must face the terror of the ego’s ingrained fear of insignificance. Vedanta is no fun for the poor ego because it will end the false imposter persona—the phantom that hijacks ‘the theatre of the mind with its productions of hell’. You did not make it this way, this is Maya, beginningless ignorance. Thankfully, freedom is not about perfecting the poor jiva, only understanding what it is and why it operates the way it does, which the teachings of Vedanta are perfectly designed to do.
Maya makes it is so hard to accept the magnificence of being the Self, it’s too much for the poor limited ego, conditional as it is because it is only conceptual and therefore, never enough. How can anything so small and limited take a stand in Awareness? It cannot. The voices of diminishment are always there, vicious. We cannot do battle with the small self because do to so only reinforces the ego. Somehow, we must keep negating the jiva program and trust the scripture to ‘do the work’ of removing the ignorance, that smallness. The practice of discrimination between satya and mithya and surrender to Isvara is the key, there is no other way. Remember that you cannot ‘stand in the world’ because the world stands in you, though I understand what you mean. When you are the Self there is no standing necessary anymore because the subject/object split has dissolved. You serve Isvara by your very presence, with your wisdom and truth that touches all you meet.
I so appreciate the way your mind works, it’s honesty and clarity. I loved the email you wrote to Ramji about the Role Model satsang he posted, thanks for copying me. I added a small portion of the email you sent to him to the one you sent me, in the last two paragraphs. As always, you are spot on and perfectly clear in your understanding. That satsang of Ramji’s wrapped it up for me too, it really hits the nail on the head regarding the last vestiges of stubborn jiva ignorance! It highlights how easy it is to wrap the cloak of Self-knowledge around the remaining (albeit subtle) avidya once you know who you are. After all, it’s not you, so why go there? Yet, the remaining ignorance does indeed steal our joy, little bites at a time, all the time. There really is no escape from Isvara, resistance is futile. And thank goodness for that.
I had many people write in thanking me for the Duryodhana satsang I posted, which is why I am doing a follow-up. Thanks for your feedback and for sharing your story. I am glad it helped you. What has become crystal clear for me is how all jiva’s share the same issues, that we struggle in similar ways and are also all brave in our own ways. Maya may be seemingly endless in the permutations of ignorance it configures, but it all boils down to one big ignorance pot, the Causal Body! Facing up to the less than fabulous parts of the jiva program is not easy for anyone, even if it’s not who we are. Ignorance is so hard-wired and tenacious it does not let go without a fight. It’s a bit like David bringing down Goliath, but it can be done because David and Goliath share the same identity as the Self. And lucky for us, we have the scripture for that. But realizing the Self is the easy part because it is self-evident, assuming at least a few of the qualifications for self-inquiry are present. It’s what comes after Self-realization that is ‘where the rubber hits the road’, as Ramji so famously says.
Most inquirers who find Vedanta already have at least some of the qualifications for self-inquiry, though some move along too quickly because they skip the first stage, srvanna (hearing the scripture). This does not apply to you, and though I needed little teaching to realize the Self, this did apply to me. I needed to requalify, especially in dispassion (karma yoga) and control of speech (sama and dama). Skipping establishing a firm foundation in the first or second stage (manana) causes problems down the line. Yet, most inquirers move into the second stage of self-inquiry, the manana stage, pretty quickly, and then from there to nididhysana, which is the longest and the most difficult. (I know you know this, and I mention it only for others reading this satsang).
For some who just love to hear the teachings, it’s enough to get through the first stage, or maybe the second stage, contemplation, meditation, and devotional practice. Their main aim is sattva, so they practice karma yoga religiously and live a reasonably happy, dharmic life. Nothing wrong with that. But if there is still suffering, it is not enough. When the fire of Self-knowledge burns hot, there is no other option but to keep at it because Isvara will keep your feet to the fire. Certainly, that has been my experience, especially since I live with a Mahatma! As I said, it’s not much fun for the poor old jiva, but then, what price freedom?
Apart from being the subtlest stage of inquiry, nididhysana is the toughest because from here on it is unchartered territory. The scripture, the map, can no longer help you because by this stage (if you really are in nididhysana), you know you are the map. You are the destination, you are home. But …and there is a but…something is still not quite right. If there is a residual troublesome transactional jiva, no matter how slight, there is a rat, a thief resident in the house causing mischief. It must go. So, out with the rat trap!
At this stage, it is perhaps more important than ever to have a competent teacher you can rely on to keep guiding your inquiry to make sure you don’t get stuck. Some inquirers mistakenly think they are home free and declare victory somewhat prematurely, but it’s not quite so easy. Yet even with the best teacher, what remains to be seen and negated in the Causal body is entirely up to Isvara, and our ability to allow the jiva to be vulnerable in total karma yoga surrender. This happens when it happens, usually taking many years. It reminds me of that lovely part in one of my favorite childhood books, the Skin Horse when the rabbit asks the old rocking horse if it hurts to be real. And he says yes, it does. But it never happens all at once and you don’t mind when you are real. It’s like that.
For me, the nididhysana stage has been going on since a short while after meeting James, and I am not done with it yet. Though I had to requalify as mentioned above, it is not like going backward at this stage. When you know you are the Self there is nowhere to go. Vedanta is not a journey nor a classroom where you are either at the bottom or top of the class. There is no class, just the Self, subject/object discrimination. The only problem is that the Self (satya), the subject, sometimes gets confused and identified (apparently) with the conceptual jiva, the object (mithya). Maya is an accomplished and very slick trickster indeed. I think Isvara goes rather overboard on ignorance if you ask me…
There is never any doubt about my true identity, that is unshakeable. But if there are remaining samskaras lurking, they can and will be triggered. And if they are not squashed immediately by karma yoga, they can temporarily block access to Self-knowledge. You cannot forget who you are at this stage because Self-knowledge is not a function of memory, but if karma yoga fails or if Self-actualization has not taken place, the jiva can still cause mischief and get ‘hurt’. And if there is a hurt jiva, there is ignorance, plain and simple. Sounds harsh, but it’s true. If we identify with the hurt, we identify with ignorance.
For me, the light of Self-knowledge shines brightly on the protection/suspicion samskara, this jiva’s Duryodhana shield. It is usually triggered by perceived unfairness and disloyalty. I have been well aware of it and how it operates for most of the past ten years. When a samskara is fully negated it remains dormant, with no power. It is a burned rope. I mistakenly thought the knowledge had vanquished it, and I was wrong. As I said in my last satsang on this, it arose very painfully when the full maturation time arrived a few months back, when I was helping my daughter settle in her new life across the world from her home, in Bali. It had nothing directly to do with being there or with her, it was just the perfect confluence of factors. And even though the (shiftless) shift since then has been wondrous, and I have been keeping the jiva on a very tight leash right at my heels like an obedient well-trained little dog, I had another opportunity to see the same samskara raise its head this week.
Though this time Self-knowledge caught it almost immediately and there was virtually no lag time, the elements were exactly the same. It is quite amazing how repetitive and predictable all jiva issues are, so much so that it should be easy to spot them a mile off. Yet Isvara knows just how to catch us even when we are on high alert and very vigilant. It just goes like that, as I said above. Ignorance never gives up without a fight. Eternal vigilance is the price of freedom until there is no price necessary anymore.
Though your issue is the reluctance to be hard when you need to be and mine the opposite, the problem is the same. There is a transactional jiva trying to protect itself by whatever means. You understood the point of my satsang perfectly, that though the experience was personal, it is also universal because all jivas have a Duryodhana Factor of sorts. It comes with the territory of being ‘human’, it’s built into Maya. And no wonder. Maya makes life so unpredictable and uncertain, it is designed to create anxiety, fear, and thus, the need for protection. To survive in this world all jivas develop a shell that can manifest just as easily in a fierce warrior part of the psyche, or the opposite, the humble gentle persona. The one that makes sure that they signal their virtue and kindness. This is not you, please note. From the time I met you, I was struck by your genuine humility and gentleness; it is plain to see that it is authentic.
But the gentle/humble persona can be as much a subterfuge, either for low self-esteem, or hubris disguised as humility, and it’s pretty common. The warrior Duryodhana shell is more obvious, more in your face, confrontational, and more ‘honest’. Or appear to be. It is not helpful either because honesty without humility and kindness is hostile and harmful. I developed the warrior shell and placed a great deal of importance on honesty; it is still a very strong value for me. But both personas are nonetheless protection strategies for the ego. As I said above, the ego hangs on to its stuff for dear life, because of course, its life does depend on ignorance. When you are no longer an inquirer but a finder, and thus know that you are the only true security, then to be free of limitation you must pass through the ‘eye of the needle’. The jiva (ego) must go, every last bit of it. Isvara is very strict; this customs checkpoint is very tough. There are no exceptions. There is no reserving a spot for weeds in the garden of our mind.
I think for most inquirers who are ready and qualified for Vedanta when it comes to them like we were, there is an immediate discarding of up to 50% avidya, upfront. Vedanta makes it clear that you are the Self from the get-go, so a huge chunk of avidya drops off, just like that. Over the next year, if the inquirer is totally dedicated and all the qualifications are developed, there will be a further 20- 25%% drop in ignorance. After which it slows a bit for the next two to three years. Some get stuck here and fall into the void of ‘emptiness’. For most qualified inquirers, assuming all three stages of inquiry are completed and assimilated, after ten years, ignorance is mostly gone, as much as 95 – 99%.
But then the last 1 – 5% takes the longest and is the most painful, strangely. It can take several more years. Even down to 1% ignorance can cause tremendous distress because by that stage the mind is so purified, ignorance disturbs it much more. It’s no wonder that the most stubborn samskaras are not at all welcome! Go away, go away! But you cannot outrun them, they will emerge from the Causal body, you can count on Isvara to make sure of that. What a pervert Isvara is…!
I am glad my satsang spoke to you and helped. We are all on this journey that is not a journey, and we are the destination. My favorite saying once again…the steps to get ‘there’ are the qualities of ‘being there’… which of course, is where we have been all along! We are never not the Self at any stage of inquiry, which is a big relief. May you feel the total lightness of being that comes with total surrender to Isvara.
Much love
Sundari
