Dear Friends,

As announced in our  previous Newsletter, we have introduced a new two pronged method to our online teaching, with the intention of facilitating the assimilation of Vedanta.  We will teach one format where Ramji and I, as well as on occasion other Shiningworld teachers, will impart the non-dual teachings in a more technical, scriptural format, as we usually do.  The other approach will be for all the Shiningworld teachers to join in to help inquirers, whether beginners or advanced, with issues pertaining to the jiva identity, i.e., duality, or mithya. As John and Lisa Baxter are both psychologists, their professional knowledge will be of great help in this regard. 

Though non-duality has no real connection to duality, the reason most inquirers get stuck at all stages of self-inquiry is usually linked to psychological issues, which impacts on or is impacted by lack of qualifications and correct values. This is in many ways, the most important part of teaching. But it is also the most difficult because egos can get in the way. It’s much easier to just teach the Self – but unfortunately, there is no way to get to that without addressing the individual first. 

It’s not that the scripture is not designed to do this – obviously, it is. But we want to target lifestyle/psychological issues, specifically – with reference to the scripture. We kicked this format off last Saturday, with John introducing us to his approach to mental health with reference to Vedanta, as well as talking about dispassion in more general terms. This was followed on Sunday with my talk addressing guna management, qualifications and values.  Both sessions were very productive, with excellent audience participation and feedback. 

However, we decided that holding two separate online seminars every week is too much – it will lead to saturation, and possibly, poor attendance.  What we have settled on is alternating the two approaches. We will do so on Sundays, at the usual time. One week we will hold more technical scripture based satsangs, and the next, more lifestyle/psychologically oriented satsangs.

This coming Sunday, we will once again focus on psychological issues, and the topic will be ‘Personal Relationships’. In this session, all the Shiningworld teachers have been invited to join in, though not all can make it this week. The idea is that this will be a collaborative effort. We also encourage anyone who has a question or a contribution to make, to do so as well. We believe that collectively we can offer many valuable insights that will benefit everyone. 

To read John’s post for this Sunday, you can access it on Shiningworld website, under Satsangs: https://shiningworld.com/healthy-personal-relationships-part-1/. We will have several other posts from Ramji and me as well as other Shiningworld teachers on topic before this Sunday.

Much love, 

Sundari and Ramji

1.     If you feel incomplete.

2.    You will seek completion in various ways.

3.     Seeking love from others is the most common way. 

4.     The more incomplete I feel, the stronger my desire for love.    

5.     Intense desire is dangerous.  I am tempted to break the laws of love.    

6.     I may gaslight, manipulate, beg, seduce, and coerce my love object.

7.     Which causes self-loathing and contempt in the love object. 

8.     Don’t expect or demand it.  No one is required to give it. 

9.     Don’t try to buy it with a promise.  No one is required to purchase it.

10.   Don’t expect good sex to turn into love.

How to Get Love

You will have no love problems if you…

1.     Know it is your nature.

2.     Know it is its own reward.   

3.     Give it without expectation.   

When I walked away, I predictably joined the ranks of the abusive authoritarians who provide easy hooks on which to hang projections, not that many old white guys are not responsible for a fair share of the world’s miseries.  I just don’t happen to be one of them.  He attacked me aggressively, which convinced me that letting Maya, an unforgetting taskmaster, teach him was a wise decision.   

When you are not working daily on uncomfortable tendencies because you are obsessed with security, pleasure, power, fame, status or virtue, you probably have no real friends because you don’t know how to love. 

In the end, the cause of most miseries is a lack of love, which usually starts in childhood because many parents don’t know how to love.  They “have” children as one has objects and madly set out to secure the child’s future with “generational wealth”, which translates as neglect here and now.  Parents’ primary duty is to model a loving relationship and show unconditional love for their children, which in turn allows children to confidently face life’s innumerable challenges. 

Life is only “personal” if you take it personally.  There is only one life-threatening virus…ignorance of one’s wholeness…and one reliable vaccine…Self inquiry guided by scripture.  What we call people is just blissful existence shining as consciousness momentarily bewitched by Maya.   Here’s what I said.

“Dear Self,

If you knew how to love, you would have seen that taking issue with my stance on the vaccine was inappropriate.  You would have taken it gladly as Isvara’s grace and learned from it.  Karma yoga is a loving conversation with Isvara.  Offer your thoughts to Isvara and let Isvara’s revealing words lead you to self-love.  If you knew how to love, you would have compassion for that neglected voice inside that is crying for love.  What use is a comfortable lifestyle if you don’t know how to love?

If you knew how to love, you would be so fascinated with a rich inner life unfolding within that you would be uninterested in changing the minds of others.  People would be attracted to your radiance and would long for the pleasure of your company. 

If you knew how to love, your life would be centered around your spirituality, not your spirituality around your life.  Only when you get a short break after “a long period of “demanding professional requirements” and “have some breathing space” you would take care of your friends first.      

You have studied enough Vedanta.  Now study yourself.”

Love,

James  

Sundari: Good to hear from you again, Gary. The recent satsang James gave on the candle light metaphor is a very powerful one, but all metaphors have their limitations. I see why you found it confusing because the analogy employed does seem to be dualistic. Bear in mind though that James did explain this, and emphasized that Vedanta provisionally accepts duality in order to negate it.  Where else can one start to unfold nonduality? Because nonduality is so subtle, and it is not an object of knowledge, the teachings start where everyone believes themselves to be – in duality. The scripture then ‘walks’ us through the impeccable logic of the nondual teachings, and if the inquirer is qualified, he/she is gradually and flawlessly lead out of duality.

In the metaphor in question, James uses a candle lit in a large dark room. The heat of the flame symbolizes what Self-knowledge, the eternal flame of love existing in all hearts, feels like for the jiva. And the light the candle emits represents Self-knowledge. He separates the heat/love and the light/knowledge and uses the containment of the room, its darkness minus the light, to represent ignorance. Though Vedanta unfolds that love is the true nature of reality, therefore it is knowledge, and there is nowhere the Self is not, it cannot be contained, so the metaphor is purely for teaching purposes.

It teaches that though feelings and thoughts are objects known to the Self, our true identity, we do experience them. And knowing you are the Self when the flame of Self-knowledge is burning, feels blissful for the jiva. Though Self-knowledge is not dependent on a feeling or a thought, to assimilate the nondual teachings, we need an open heart and a clear, sattvic intellect. Clear thinking is involved as is a feeling component to everything. James used the word ‘palpable’, which describes it very well. So though it does not serve us to identify with most of our thoughts and feelings and to apply dispassion to them, the feeling of deepest satisfaction and love that Self-knowledge brings is one feeling that is very good to identify with. As is the thought ‘I am the Self’. When you know you are the Self, there is no dependence on the feeling and no separation in the thought because neither comes or goes. It is a permanent state of satisfaction, regardless of whether or not the feeling of bliss or the thought of knowledge is present.

Before Self-knowledge obtains, both love as our true nature and Self-knowledge are hidden in the dark of ignorance, and not accessible to the heart or the mind. Though this metaphor seems to imply that lighting the candle brings something that was not there before to light, what it is actually saying is that something is required to illuminate the dark so that what has always been there can be seen and known. And that ‘something’ means the scripture, the nondual teachings of Vedanta. Without a valid means of knowledge for the nondual Self, it is almost impossible to lift the veil of Maya, the darkness, from the mind.

The metaphor appears to separate love and knowledge, but in fact, it proves that they are inseparable. Love is not a feeling, it is Self-knowledge, it is the light, and it is the true nature of the mind.  It does not reside in the mind or in the heart as it has no specific location.  Love/Self-knowledge pervades everything. It is not contained by anything. But if ignorance of our true nature stands in the way of the appreciation of this fact, we think that love and Self-knowledge are quite different and quite separate, and we need to do something to attain either of them.

As humans we experience what we call “love” as an indwelling and compelling feeling that resides apparently dormant in our hearts and awaked from time to time by the appearance of an external object of beauty, desire or compassion. The heart opens, love is ignited and rises up, overwhelming the lover with its powerful force. This kind of love comes unbidden, gloriously and then disappears like the melting snow, no matter how hard we try to hang on to it. We then believe that we suffer love’s absence, and again we seek to re- ignite it, to ‘find it’ so that we can experience that wonderful bliss again.

A human life is spent in search of this feeling, one way or another, at the mercy of its grace. But we are looking for love in all the wrong places. Mostly we seek it in the form of another person, that elusive soul mate whose very presence opens the floodgates of bliss. Perhaps when the search for the soul mate has not been successful or has resulted in painful loss, we turn to God or religion and try to experience love through religious or spiritual experience. Or through art, music, nature or any other promising object. These fleeting experiences, although joyful, do not produce lasting happiness but rather are like carrots on a stick before a hungry donkey, tempting us to keep going, keep searching, keep believing. Not to become cynical.

If we are very blessed, we stop seeking love and come upon the truth of our own nature –  I am the love that I seek. Love is me. Love is all there is. There is nothing else. The person we thought we were dissolves into the truth of love itself, our very being, the only reality, which we call non duality.  Why do we call it non duality? Because we realize that there is only me. Only one thing exists and for want of a better word we call it love because love is the only experience that comes close to what we now know to be the truth of Existence. Other words could be goodness, wholeness, fullness, light – but these words all have an opposite, and love does not. We can experience love, but in truth, love is not an experience. It is the only reality. This truth is that love as my nature, Self-knowledge, cannot be lost.

Once the heart has opened and is filled by Self-knowledge, love does not come and go as feelings do, because I do not come and go. I am not a feeling – I am Existence and Existence is love, shining eternally in my own light. This is the flame that lights the darkness, the eternal warmth of the love that is me. And it feels amazing for the mind, and anyone who comes into contact with such a mind. This is because the Self always recognises itself. With this understanding, all suffering ceases. Pain may arise, or loss, or the cruel dark expressions of human ignorance but none of these can recreate suffering because they are known to be mithya, not me. For the samsari love is blind but for the jnani, love sees only itself.

What is the effect of Self-knowledge upon life as a jiva? Of course I still have love feelings for my husband, my children, my morning cup of coffee – those feelings do not disappear but are experienced within the context of their apparent reality, namely mithya. Love itself is known to be satya, shining as every name and form, as every manifestation of Existence, meaning, me. So the love I feel for my husband/friends/children is the love of the universal wife/friend/mother of all children. At once personal and yet inseparable from love itself. I am not conflicted in loving this but not that. It does not make me sentimental or unfeeling but secure, peaceful, devoted, and happy in the knowledge that for all eternity and beyond, manifest or un-manifest, I am love.

The candle light metaphor can fall short if one takes it too literally in that Self-knowledge cannot switched on and off like a candle can. The bliss of the Self is always present whether or not this knowledge is available to the mind. It may be hidden by ignorance of my true nature, but it is nonetheless always present. It is satya, Awareness, that which knows ignorance and knowledge. This flame has no beginning or end.

Gary: Secondly, my second doubt is where James talks about becoming a slave to Isvara. I have heard both you and Ramji teach how important it is that the inquirer becomes the devotee of the teacher and the scripture. You are no longer the boss if you are truly committed to self-inquiry. That the whole quest for freedom is to surrender the ‘I” identified with its ego, individuality and its ‘story’ to Isvara, however you perceive that creative force behind the world. But I have trouble with the idea of being a slave.  Please help me to understand this as I get this is a big obstacle in my quest for freedom from limitation.

Sundari: Good point, and one that all serious inquirers will have to come to terms with if freedom from the jiva (the idea of individuality) is ever to take place. The ego hates the idea of subservience. Most egos hang on to the belief that we have free will and that submitting to anyone is weakness. But if we cannot do this, and we confuse the teacher or the people with whom we have transactions as being ‘people’ or ‘other’, we will not surrender to them. But as everything we experience in our lives is in fact, Isvara, surrender is the only sane option. Resistance is futile. Everything belongs to and is borrowed from Isvara, except me, the Self.

Speaking for myself as a jiva, I know how hard this is. I had to grow up and take care of myself in a hostile world, so I developed a fierce independence and suspicion of people’s motives, often with good reason. Everyone has an agenda in the world of duality. I put great store in trust and honesty, and often felt betrayed by those who did not demonstrate these qualities. Who has not experienced this? Until I realized that this only matters if you are identified with the egoic self. Life in the apparent reality is inherently untrustworthy; nothing is as it seems. And yet, paradoxically, freedom from this means I must fully surrender to Isvara. 

There is no way around this one. All the hard parts of the jiva identity have to go – especially those. If there is still the slightest vestige of individuality left, freedom will not obtain. I think this is true for most inquirers, even those whose Self-knowledge is firm. Of course it sounds contradictory because freedom and submission seem like oxymorons. But the kind of freedom we are really after requires freedom from who we think we are, the limited small egoic self in bondage to objects. The one that is so invested in having agency and free will.

Becoming a slave to Isvara therefore means you have surrendered to the fact that Isvara in the form of your life and all in it, is your teacher. Is you. So hanging onto the stupid idea of independence only serves to bind you more deeply to that which you are seeking freedom from. This only sounds contradictory and counter-intuitive if we are not qualified for self-inquiry. But even if we are, the ego does not give up or give in easily. The stamp of individuality in the blueprint of the jiva program is extremely hard to root out. Therein lies all the teaching of Vedanta!

Much love

Sundari

Dear X…

Here’s my analysis of your email to James. As we all live in a community, first as dependent children with our parents and relatives, the need to be loved is crucial for our emotional survival. As children we are loved, but as we grow we need to reassure ourselves that we are still loved and worthy to live among others. That‘s why you depend on the “opinion of others“ and the “desire to be liked.“

There is nothing wrong with that, but if you don’t deeply question your unworthyness, it will accompany you for your whole lifetime. It’s clear that feeling this way doesn’t serve you for the good. Shame is the flipside. Trying to please others to get love in return is shameful.

Applying the opposite thought is a good means to change your perspective. You can’t stop the unhelpful thinking…at least not at first…but you can learn to intelligently manage your relationship to your thoughts. And yes, there is nothing wrong with whatever thoughts occur. The secret is to dedicate them all to Ishvara…return to sender…let them go and expect nothing in return. Letting go is better than they result of any action. It is liberating. This is Karma Yoga. Intensify your practice and your mind will become pure and you will generate a sattvic bubble on your own. No need to wait for the satsang on Sunday night.

This unhealthy feeling is due to identifying with the body/mind entity’s likes and dislikes. Your gunas are managing you. You are sattvic in satsangs and tamasic/rajasic when you are on your own. If you practice the opposite thought…”I am unborn whole and complete non-dual love”…diligently, you will get more sattvic and you will notice what is already there…yourself, the witnessing consciousness. The witness is an inquirer. Witnessing is discrimination between what’s real (satya) and what’s apparently real (mithya). The process of discrimination loosens the degree of identification with the apparent objects, thoughts, feelings, etc. in the apparent world (maya is mithya). Dis-identification leads to the realization “I am not that jiva entity.” Ignorance goes. It unfolds your true nature as love.

Hey Sundari and Ramji,

As you know I broke up recently in the middle of work related stress. Initially, this email was me whining, but as the weeks have gone by and clarity has returned, it has become an inquiry into some ignorance that has been quietly fermenting these last few years. Like a fine mead now ready to be drunk. That said, it is still a bit whiny. 😉

Ramji: The whine wasn’t too bad. It’s also nice that irony hasn’t abandoned you. You seem to be in a pretty good place. I noticed that as self-aware as you seem, however, you’re not aware enough to catch the dualistic thinking. If you were it would have saved you a lot of words. I hope you haven’t mistaken mead for kool-aid. In any case, it is lovely to hear from you…I think.

I have had many vivid dreams lately. This first one reminded me of you somewhat, and is when the move from self psychoanalysis finally shifted back toward Vedantic inquiry.

Ramji: It needs to shift a tad more, I’d say. You mean not-self analysis, I believe.

I was with my ex-partner an abandoned town. She told me to go down a street. As I turned a corner, there was a beautiful, old, wise gypsy lady waiting for me. She told me her name was vidya (knowledge) and that I must renounce the person. Then I felt something tickle my leg. I turned and looked down and there was a baby staring up at me. This dream was very helpful for me. I have debated whether to send this email or not as it is somewhat contrary to renouncing the person.

Ramji: You think? I’d say definitely, not somewhat contrary. Anyway, it’s clear that you don’t want kids.

However, I came to the conclusion that it is best to renounce the person with the knowledge of Isvara. Thus, I am trying to comprehend why Isvara presented me with this experience, and to identify the tweaks in my chain. 

Ramji: Isvara presented this experience to expose your thinking but the you that’s writing doesn’t conclude that it’s best to renounce the person. It happens when the logic of seeking is assimilated. Maybe that’s what you mean. The self previously under the spell of ignorance renounces ignorance and the person goes along with it.

So I’ve had a rough year.

Ramji: I’ve got my hankies ready. Go on.

Soon after I broke up, my ex took up with this guy I know from around here. I knew I still loved her and cared for her…

Ramji: What kind of love was that? Sounds suspiciously like need. I think you mean you cared for her because it pleases you to care for her. What you would that be? Would it be the you you’ve renounced?

…and I thought she felt the same. Nonetheless, we had established that our values were not aligned and so we decided it was best to part ways.

Ramji: Good idea. Did you ever hear of courtship, by the way? Generally, intelligent people stay out of the sack until they are pretty clear about the values issue. If you’re not too bright it may take a few years to figure out that you and the prospective love of your life aren’t a good fit.

However…

Ramji: Here comes the downside.

…when I saw her walk out the front door of where I used to live with this guy, all of a sudden I wanted her back. The if onlys came up in abundance… if only she had given me some time to sort my head out at work, I would have realised that I still loved her and we could have worked on our values. If only she had the decency to keep her new relationship private she could have saved me a lot of pain and blah, blah, blah.

Ramji: A person who is incapable of spending a night alone is not generally interested in how the last warm body feels but I probably don’t have to point out that there is a certain confusion operating. It seems you’re not clear if you’re the one that wants her or the one that doesn’t.

Shut up Clarence, you’re boring me. 🙂

Ramji: I second the motion.

What I see here reminds me of Ramji’s story about renunciation in The Yoga of Love. When I broke up with Kathy I was giving something away and it felt good. However, when she got with this guy all of a sudden it seemed like something was being snatched away from me and it felt bad.

Ramji: Thank God you’re bored with all this mental masturbation. Perhaps you would benefit from practicing JOMO, the joy of missing out. FOMO is so yesterday.

Clarenceji is just paying the heavy price for slacking off on the sadhana these last few years.

Ramji: Isvara is merciful indeed! You need a good kick in the butt. I’ll do my best to deliver it as an instrument of God’s will, of course.

Initially, Kathy was all in on Vedanta. When she seduced me 4 years ago, she was just out of a relationship too, so I shouldn’t be so surprised. She sees herself as a pure yogi and she could not handle the directness and honesty of how Ramji teaches.

Ramji: Ah, yes, I was waiting for victimhood to rear its ugly head. She seduced you? I always thought that duality is a two-way street.

Usually, when they discover that I’m not up to their standards, they run off to India to get a “real mahatma” or they discover a dead guru that suits their fancy.

So this pure yogi gets into bed with you to gain liberation. Go on.

She went through a few other Vedanta gurus but they never impacted her.

Ramji: Like she’s gone through her fair share of guys, I imagine. Why am I not surprised?

I started listening to Swami P. more than Ramji, and half that time was when I was in bed about to fall asleep.

Ramji: I’m sure Swami P. would be happy to know he’s an effective sleep aid. Evidently, Ramji not so much. I take it as a compliment.

As time passed, the Vedanta chats became less and less…

Ramji: As they do

…and she became more controlling, and I could see that my drinking was a trigger for her.

Ramji: Mind like a lazer, Clarence! Wouldn’t that have been a value that cancelled the idea of a relationship from the get-go? Probably not, if you are a drinker yourself. Drugs and alcohol don’t work well for people with low self-esteem but on the bright side they provide a lovely reason to bond.

Due to the rajas of work and lockdown, I had started having a drink every evening.

Ramji: Only one?

Both Kathy’s father and my father were alcoholics, and this triggered a lot of anxiety in her. She is a very insecure person.

Ramji: And no anxiety or insecurity in you, presumably?

I believed I was trying to teach her something about her anxiety, and that if she wanted to be a free person, she was going to have to look at that and her inability to be alone.

Ramji: I’m sure her attraction to you included the idea that not only was she going to get the man of her dreams but a psychoanalyst into the bargain. And what about your ability to be alone? This brings to mind the old saying about the pot calling the kettle black. That wouldn’t include a discussion of your inability to be alone, would it?

However, in retrospect, it is equally true that I was spiritually bypassing and compromising my values by engaging in my slothful tendencies. I needed to stand up and say, I am going somewhere else today, or I am going to sleep by myself tonight, or I am going to get up and read scripture, but I didn’t, I became weak. What to do? Ah well, he who travels alone travels the fastest. 🙂

Ramji: That may be true, but only if you don’t confuse aloneness with loneliness. I wouldn’t say, you “became” weak. I say you were weak all along. If you are really committed to your spiritual growth, you will summon the courage to stand up to your neediness, sleep alone and enjoy it.

I can’t give you a gold star for copping to the spiritual by-pass, however. It’s a mystery why you think that this relationship had anything to do with spirituality.

Additionally, I realise that the relationship created a vasana for physical touch and affection, one that I didn’t really have before.

Ramji: After you are well through the sacred portals of middle age you suddenly discovered a vasana for physical touch and affection?

Unconsciously, my devotion toward the Self was slowly shifting back towards transitory objects. So here I am again, unlearning some tamasic habits.

Ramji: Presumably by learning some sattvic habits.

On a more positive note, I decided to sublimate my evening drink last week and it is fine. In fact I prefer it as I have more time for upasana, scripture, and inquiry and write to you. As Rumi said, the highest form of learning is unlearning. 

Ramji: I’m happy to hear that you survived the absence of your night cap. I’m glad you didn’t climb into a warm bathtub with a bottle of downers and razor blades.

Unfortunately or fortunately though, breaking up in this way has triggered some demons from my childhood that I spoke to you about 5 years back, when I had a similar but not as intense situation as this one. Back then I saw it primarily as jealousy. However, now I think perhaps my deepest samskara is around betrayal.

Ramji: Cool. One can always use a new red herring to obsess about. So, what is it, fortunate or unfortunate?

I do understand that Kathy is another manifestation of awareness.

Ramji: Mighty spiritual of you, Clarence.

However, I feel she has broken dharma and for me to pretend that everything is OK would not be dharmic either. I feel betrayed as we had agreed on certain conditions to prevent this situation arising, which she totally ignored. Probably because she was deeply wounded when we decided to break up as she was not only losing me, she was losing this financial security as well. I see now this samskara of betrayal has been there my whole life, when my grandma died when I was 7, I felt betrayed by God, and her passing smothered the sacred flame somewhat, until I began to rekindle it in my mid 20’s. Then being aware of my dad’s affair from 10 years old, and then relationship after relationship, where I would be extra cautious not to hurt my partner, but often they would end up hurting me, as my inability to express anger would become passive aggressive and so they would respond in kind. I have a good understanding of it now. Still though, it does not shut up the persistent voice of this samskara when triggered. Only time will, and persistent practice of karma yoga etc. It is interesting how the memory and emotions continually reproduce the same thoughts and feelings in me. It is almost as if some demon is churning out the same old thoughts. My ability to nip them at the bud and offer them back to Isvara is improving, but it is quite a wonder. I am grateful to Isvara for this story of mine that I know are just a bundle of experiences appearing in I the always present, unshakable consciousness.

Ramji: Whew! That was a hard read. I had to have a couple of stiff drinks to stay calm. It’s a tribute to your stubborn tamasic self that you didn’t give up the ghost and climb into that aforementioned warm bathtub.

I read this verse recently from the Gita and it took me right back to where I belong “All experiences enter the mind of a wise man through the senses, but they create no agitation because he is full in himself. Just as the rivers pouring into the ocean do not disturb it. Because he is full, he is not a seeker of experiences.”

Ramji: That’s one of my favorite verses too.

However, it got me thinking earlier this evening as I was observing the automatic demonic feedback loop. What about the experiences that enter from the mind and intellect? Does the wise man negate them and return to the senses? Maybe I am reading into it too much, at least I get the wisdom in the statement.

Ramji: Of course they recycle. That’s why you need to create experiences based on dharmic values.

It doesn’t help though that currently I am surrounded by triggers.

Ramji: There is always the option to surround yourself with non-triggers i.e. keep to yourself. Or associate with pure minded people, not slackers and sensualists.

But I know I am the one with the ammunition so I am diffusing the weaponry with discipline and re reading The Yoga of Love, such a great gem of a book, pranamas to you, Ramji, Swam P., and Narada! Already I feel the bliss of the Self shining through the clouds again as I shift my devotion back towards you and Ramji, the scripture, and the wonders of Isvara such as the sky and the sea.

Ramji: Good for you. Let’s see how long the discipline, not to mention the bliss, lasts.

Nonetheless, it is interesting to have witnessed the identified ego reappearing with all its self images, and comparisons.

Ramji: Forgive me if I’m wrong, but interesting doesn’t seem to be the best choice of words. Didn’t you say that all this ego stuff was boring?

It is extremely painful for the jiva, the suicidal thoughts. I have known these deep suicidal samskaras intermittently since my teenage years. They are what led me to spirituality. Ultimately, I know they are just a manifestation of an unloved, disconnected suffering jiva seeking to feel whole and complete again. And what better way to love the jiva than with the knowledge that I am love itself. I am not sure why Clarence has to look at these old wounds again. Perhaps it is to show him that this relationship had been adharmic for a long time

Ramji: You think? Anyway, the proof of the pudding is in the eating. Let’s see what you actually do about your lifestyle. Keep me posted.

…and I had been ignoring that fact due to my vasana for guilt, i.e., not leaving Kathy a year or 2 ago when I first started having doubts, but I couldn’t as part of me loved her and wanted to keep her safe too (the good old Mummy and Daddy issues). And also, for satisfaction I must stay on top of my sadhana, and do more inquiry into betrayal in order to free the jiva of its samskara.

Ramji: Betrayal is betrayal. I’m not sure what more you need to know. This reminds me of Swamiji’s comment: “Who picks through his vomit looking for clues. Vomit is vomit.” Eat right and you won’t puke. Anyway, you came to the right conclusion; stay on top of your sadhana.

Perhaps the first form of betrayal is when the ego begins to project the bliss of awareness onto objects, and until I tackle that samskara on a moment to moment basis at that level, consistently and persistently, will I be free of it? Recently, it has been difficult, but this last week thinking of you and Sundariji sitting with scripture once more it is as if I am being lifted out of a pit in which I was drowning. 

I have been thinking back as to exactly when things turned around backwards in the last few years, i.e., when did the ego start projecting the bliss of awareness onto the objects once more.

Ramji: When doesn’t it project bliss on objects? Anyway, we are all born into a world that has everything backward. Obviously, you still haven’t worked your way out in spite of all the Vedanta. However, there is no time like the present. Man up and get with it, O Mighty Arjuna!!!

Kathy Ananda is quite an attractive girl (Isvara gave jiva a very alluring object and Clarence fell for it), and she plays the damsel in distress quite naturally. I think at some point my Knight in Shining Armor began to believe she was real and so began some clumsy dance between us. No doubt the rajas work helped the magic show appear to be real once more too. When I started with her I saw no difference between jiva and Isvara and thought I was good to go.

Ramji: “It’s life’s illusions I recall.” – Joni Mitchell

As time passed, I stopped consciously consecrating every action to the Lord and slowly but surely, unbeknownst to me, right under my nose, attachment was setting in. Knowing that I am awareness, when the demons set in recently was double edged, I knew I could not kill myself which was good, however, it also makes it even more painful that the jiva is so resistant to its true nature as unborn, limitless awareness. Perhaps ignorance is the greatest betrayal of all. 

Ramji: Not only can’t you kill yourself, you can’t love anyone but yourself.

Additionally, a lot of crazy things have been happening, and sometimes I have felt there is an entity attached to me or the house or both. This may be because I am prone to magical thinking and so when my sadhana wanes back in come the ghosts and goblins.

Ramji: There is an evil blood-sucking entity drinking your blood 16 hours a day…Ignorance of your unborn blissful wholeness. It’s not magical thinking.

Still though, it is true that things haven’t been flowing. My life has always been a struggle. I think this is due to 3 factors.

Ramji: Oh, no. Give me a break! Must you keep picking through your vomit? What more’s to know?

Firstly, I did not adjust my karma yoga practice to the changing situation as I needed to during the last 2 years, and secondly, my work is only dharmic when I prioritize Vedanta, and finally, I don’t like asking people for help. Also, the fact that Kathy was a fake probably didn’t help. 🙂 I still remember Kathy saying “Why not see it all as Isvara and go for it?” Why the fuck did I listen to someone with zero knowledge?

Ramji: Beats me. Let’s hear the next excuse.

And my father was pushing too. I realized last year sometime that they both were subconsciously planning out a life for us with a few kids and the white picket fence. So I guess, in the end, I dodged a bullet.

Ramji: Ah, yes, a renunciate to the core. Chalk one up for freedom!

And at least I have a house.

Ramji: So much for renunciation. I thought it was Isvara’s house.

Still though, ain’t life a bitch sometimes? One of my friends has recommenced some shamanic type healer to come and do some clearing on the land. That said, as I invest in the teachings once more, I don’t feel the need to clear the ghosts and goblins as much, just let them be, Isvara will take care of everything. 

Ramji: I agree. Nothing as cheery as a few ghosts and goblins sporting on one’s property. Maybe the shaman will bring some ayahuasca and you can scurry down another rabbit hole..

I did have another dream recently, which may help describe the vasana this house created.

Ramji: I’m sure you mean, “the vasana Clarence created.” Houses don’t create, Clarence. They are just matter.

A man and a woman arrived at the front door of the house in a crazy-looking car. The lady seduced me a little bit, but then tried to take something from the table. Then I began to levitate and grow bigger and I said what are you doing, don’t you realise I am the spirit of this house. They became frightened and ran for the hills.

Ramji: That’s more or less true. You are the spirit of all things. However, it sounds like the lady seduced you a lot.

Ownership has caused me to become quite selfish, always wanting to try and get things finished. Before I started the project I always had time for other people, people that needed my help in one way or another. However, nowadays it seems to be all about me and this house. The funny thing is I have little interest in it. All I wanted was a small cabin somewhere to leave my stuff when I went away for the winter months. I guess that is what happens when I don’t listen to my own needs and values, something I find particularly difficult when in a relationship. I betray myself.

Ramji: You will perhaps recall the story about the sadhu who only had one pair of underpants who was convinced by someone that he needed to have a second pair so he wouldn’t be seen naked when he was washing number 1. He ended up with house, wife and kids, a cow, etc.

I am close to finishing the the project now but much of the time, I am struggling to work. I am fine if I have someone working with me, but on my own, I often struggle. At the same time, I have a feeling that I want to disengage with the community of friends around here now as I can find it triggering, the world has betrayed me, blah, blah, blah. 🙂

Ramji: You want to disengage or you have disengaged? If it’s all about the me self these days, what does the community have to do with it?

It is only if I prioritize my sadhana first that I have any hope of getting something done around here. Work happily, but not for happiness. Since I started writing this email to you 2 weeks ago, and reading scripture again in solitude, already I am noticing the rays of the Self raising me up. 

Ramji: Good for you. But you have to believe it totally. Keep it up. Slow and steady wins the race.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this. Hope it is not too whiny. Maybe I have said too much? I know Clarence a bit caught up in jivahood right now.

Ramji: It’s too long and used up all my hankies, but not too whiny. Perversely morbidly delusional is perhaps the right phrase. The idea is to analyze your thinking before you initiate action. Take your time. Think things through. Karma yogis are planners. Don’t gloss over the down side or romanticize the upside. Life is beautiful but it is not a mystery.

Perhaps you can add something to it. Also, I would like to reserve one of the smaller Ganesh sculptures, please. I might even come and collect it. 🙂

Om and prem

I did my best. I added a lot, I believe.
Much love
Ram

A

I just wanted to say hello and send love to you both! Did you enjoy your trip to Suryalila (or are you there)? I heard mention it on the prior Sunday zoom, and I was glad to here you were getting away for a little R&R! Not that life itself isn’t R&R 

So much gratitude to you both for faithfully and freely sharing yourselves, and Vedanta, though there is no difference. My meditation, or my self, or my experience – the difference isn’t there – is a continuous delight of knowing that I am whole and complete and never actually experienced anything other than this.

My great and only pleasure “these days” is delighting in delight itself, the delight of everything that seems to be since there is nothing other than that. Wonderfully – I would say “amazingly” or “surprisingly” or “incredibly” but it’s too neutral for that – that delight includes the flu I seem to be suffering, the “annoying” to do’s I seem to have to catch up on, and the various dreamlike blooms of experience that Isvara would apparently send a Jiva on. All of it neither attracts nor repels, and if it seems to, it still doesn’t. 

For this unearned bounty and undisturbed well being, and for your true and beginning-less friendship, thank you! 

How can I miss you completely and not at all? I do  

I was speaking with a Vedanta friend recently and we were discussing teachers. As we spoke about different teachers I told him that six years ago I asked you if you would be my teacher and you said you would as long as you got all the credit for my successes and no blame for my failures.  As I recounted what you did last summer at Trout Lake, I felt tremendous love and gratitude for you. We had a professional contract of sorts. You fulfilled your side as an apparent teacher and I fulfilled mine as apparent student. It’s really cool, a great blessing. God is great! Ramji is great!  Self-actualization is effortless continual worship of everything that is.  It is God loving God. The ice block of ignorance melts in the light of the sun just as it was meant to do.  I, however, am not great because there is nothing other than be to compare myself to.  Thank you Ramji!

Ramji:  Don’t forget to give your mind a little pat on the back for what it has done for you.

“Alone one evening in early spring, seated on a green park bench beside the Charles River in Cambridge, Mass., I waited for Deb. The sun was setting and the temperature falling, and I was wearing my softball jersey and knickers and wishing I had remembered to bring my thick flannel shirt.

Now, decades later, at my home in Iowa, I search for that bench on Google Maps. Here it is. Riverbend Park. Here’s the bridge. The John W. Weeks Bridge. Here’s our bench. The bridge arches. The still water. It makes my body ache to see it again. The place where we were young.

We had agreed to meet there, in that ratty little park. I waited for her. And waited. I imagined her getting off work at Legal Sea Foods at the Copley Plaza. Cashing out. Boarding the bus. Walking along the path. Approaching.

I imagined someone watching us as she arrived. Would they think we were madly in love? Mistake us for Harvard students? People with illustrious futures? The moon was brightening. The sun a slur of color in the west. I was cold. My thick flannel shirt at home in my closet.

I had returned to college at 26 after serving my apprenticeship in the refrigeration trade. I first noticed her in my selected authors class. On the first day, the professor asked if anyone could give him an Emerson quote, and she, blushing, raised her hand. Three months later, I asked her to marry me. She said yes.

We shared my tiny, overheated Cambridge apartment and fell into a nightly bar-crawl routine. From the Plough and Stars to the Cellar to Drumlin’s. The Cantab. After the first three rounds, I would accuse her of being in love with her cigarettes. Then she would accuse me of not being truly in love with her. And I would swear on the Bible how I loved her with the intensity of ten suns while holding up my hand to order another round.

We knew we needed to end this childish routine. We imagined a new town unsullied by the likes of us. Someplace clean and innocent.

After less than a year of squirreling away cash in a Mason jar atop the refrigerator, we allowed the lease to expire, moved our furniture (a futon and a lamp) to the curb, paid our parking tickets, climbed on my motorcycle, and with no ultimate destination in mind, left town.

We had enough cash left by the time we rolled into Iowa to rent a small brick house adjacent to a hog farrowing pen on the rolling Iowa cornfields. Soon we found work and started a family.

By the time Deb kicked me out for the first time, she had already given birth to our first two children. I moved into a duplex on East Washington in Iowa City. The inside of the place reminded me of a rustic hunting lodge. The shiplap walls and ceilings were stained dark brown. I remember sliding into my Coleman sleeping bag that first night, settling myself on my camping mat and thinking, “Ah, yes, this is how I’m meant to be. Alone.”

We reunited after a month or two. Then we had the twins.

Saturday nights we would walk down to George’s, where, three beers in, Deb would once again accuse me of not loving her enough. And I would do my best to drum up the old enthusiasm, but I wasn’t fooling either of us.

Over the 32 years of our marriage, she has kicked me out five times. One time, I sublet a basement apartment across the street from a small park with a basketball court, which was a big plus. The basement was crawling with little white worms, which, when they died, curled up like pill bugs.

Another time, I moved into Le Chateau, a low-rent apartment complex. There was an outdoor pool on the property, but it wasn’t open when I lived there. I don’t think it had been open for a long time, hence the black mud and leaves at the bottom. There was a laundry room, which was my favorite room in the place. A single coin-operated washing machine and a single dryer. It was always warm and brightly lit, and there was a metal folding chair and the air always smelled clean.

The last time, the sixth, Deb didn’t kick me out. I left. Weary of our accusation and outrage routine, I rented another duplex in a quiet neighborhood on the south side of Iowa City. I shared the place with little red ants. They really liked the sponge I used to clean my dishes. I would boil water and soak my sponge in it to kill them, then dump the floaters down the drain.

I didn’t do anything in this apartment. Didn’t cook, read or listen to music. If I got home from work early, I would go to bed. If I got home late, I would go to bed. I would lie down under my blue and white duck blanket, turn on my side and think, “Yes. This is how I’m meant to be.”

According to the landlord, the young woman who lived there before me had once dated the young man who lived across the street with his parents. After she broke it off, the young man continued texting her. He even knocked on her door at odd hours. When the young woman moved out, I moved in.

Sometimes when it was dark, I would look through my front window at that house and think about the young man. I would wonder how one is supposed to find love. Where to look? How to begin?

On weekend mornings, I took walks around the neighborhood. It was still cool enough to need a hat and jacket. One of my neighbors had erected a book exchange. I chose a collection of Kafka short stories and then, later that day, sat on my front cinder block steps and began reading it.

But I kept thinking of Deb. I kept thinking how she would like this quiet, working-class neighborhood. With the book exchange and the red ants. And the Sycamore Movie Theater close enough to walk. And no traffic sound. And big deciduous trees. And rickety front steps. And cool air. And warm sun.

I called her and asked if she wanted to stop over for coffee. We sat at my little kitchen table and drank our coffee. She said she liked my little house. She liked my rickety front steps.

I have always thought of Deb wherever I am. Whomever I am with. Whenever I experience something good. I want her to experience the same thing. I can’t stand to watch a good movie without her. I’ll walk out after half an hour if I can’t turn to her in the dark and whisper, “Isn’t this great?” I can’t ride my motorcycle up into the Rocky Mountains. I can’t enter a small diner with worn pine floorboards and an antique, curve-glass pie case with slices of banana cream inside. I can’t take a flight without wishing she were occupying the seat beside me.

I think we have the wrong idea about marriage. It’s not like running a business, where there are recordable credits and debits. Or buying a house, where you pay your mortgage or lose it. Or owning a pet, where, in return for companionship, you are obligated to feed them and take them for walks and clean up after them.

It’s more like learning, after a thousand hangovers, to stop drinking so much. Or learning, after often being false, to be true just once, in the hope that you can continue to be true. Or learning, after habitually hating yourself, to love yourself just once, in the hope that you can continue to love yourself. And then learning, through loving yourself, to love someone else.

I will always love Deb. Even when she hates me. Even when I hate her. Not because she’s especially forgiving. Or pretty. Or pleasant to be with. Or well-read. Or spiritual. Not because she may or may not be any of those things. Loving her isn’t transactional. I love her because I can’t help it. There’s something in her that makes me weak. Something vulnerable and unconquerable. Something fleeting and unmoving.

After a few months in the house with the rickety steps, I moved back in with Deb. Soon enough now, I’ll be alone on the edge of sleep. Just as I am alone on the edge of all things. It’s how I am. It may be how we all are. Still alone. Waiting. And still in love.

I also notice this very exuberant ‘I’ thought that keeps dancing with the idea that it has attained something.  It is incessant and I really have to keep it in check and remind the thought that it is not real.  That only the Actionless, Limitless and Non-dual state, the Self, is real.  This is where great care must be taken.  But when the ‘I’ thought is seen for what it is —apparently real — (mithya), then life opens the door to forever.  It is so stunningly beautiful. 

I had been hosting some friends over for meditation prior to coming to the seminar. I have been using Dyananda’s book The Value of Values as a starting point.  At this point I’d really like to share more about Vedanta. Not to be a teacher but to share out of my love and also my recognition of people’s apparent suffering. I don’t need to, but it gives me great joy to contemplate Vedanta. I would make sure people are pointed to both you and Shiningworld. If you have any thoughts or guidance, I would really appreciate it.  It really is the silence that we point to and the fullness of our infinite, actionless, limitless, awareness that is ever present. It’s amazing it can be so simple and yet so involved in terms of turning towards an inner life that can only be fulfilling. 

I send you both much love and again gratitude.

Great e-mail, Karen!  I loved it, tidied up the words a bit and will publish it on the website.  I’m so glad you came and that you benefited so much.  Of course you should share what you know with others.  The understanding you expressed in this email is excellent.   

Much love,

Ramji